06
Mar
13

breaking bad…habits

Wednesday nights are for me and music. For eleven years I have been taking part in a group that is mine and not about kids, hubby, work, etc. It’s challenging, educational, social, invigorating and satisfying…and it’s not sex. Tonight, when I was driving home, I found myself on “autopilot” heading towards my old house. The old house where my ex lives – in the opposite direction of my new house. Curses! It was bound to happen at some point and habit and exhaustion decided it was tonight. Crap. It was only a five minute inconvenience, but it underscored something for me: sometimes I have to re-train my brain.

During the past four years or so I have gone from a full-time mother, cook, housekeeper, accountant & family manager to someone with a career, no kids at home, my own business and, more recently, someone who is single, living alone for the first time and dating. I can do what I want when I want to and I am the only person that I am responsible for. It’s sometimes staggering. I keep saying that I am waiting for the other shoe to drop – for loneliness, sadness, hurt, anger and depression to set in. It hasn’t. I have my moments – but they seem to be like tonight – when I forget. It’s like I need to reboot and reset myself to “single, fun person” instead of whatever the hell I used to be.

Don’t get me wrong – I don’t regret being the person that I was. I have very few regrets. I love my children and my ex husband very much and they are fine people. We had a lot of fantastic years together as a family and will have many more as a different kind of family. But it’s sometimes challenging to break the habits that I’ve been in for 25 years and evolve.

Sometimes I wonder if I am overcompensating for my “loss” and seeking validation from men that I fuck instead of from my family. I like to think that’s not the case, but I am acutely aware of the fact that I’ve been pretty slutty lately and wonder if it’s a phase or a lifestyle choice. I wonder if I will be this slutty a year from now. Right now it feels like another “hobby” that I do for myself. I like sex. I like socializing. I don’t have to. It’s not like I have to go cruise a bar and pick someone up in order to feel fulfilled. Sometimes I watch TV, go out with friends, write, play games, hang out, do laundry, do work, rake the yard…etc. I also tend to be fairly selective when it comes to men these days. I mean, I’m not looking for someone for financial support, to father my children, to marry or to be my soulmate. Therefore, my standards are a bit…flexible…but I’m still not just picking up every dick that makes a play.

I promise that I will soon get back to the evolution of my dating and sex for crying out-loud (when we last saw our heroine she was freaking out about some rape-y guy on a dating site and considering her “rules of engagement” to keep safe!) Meanwhile, I am contemplating bad habits, good habits and overall attitude.

Tonight I didn’t feel well. I would have loved to have stayed home and not gone to my Wednesday thing. But I needed to. I had to give an audition and I really needed to work on some complicated music. Not to mention, seeing my friends keeps me somewhat balanced. So I put on a happy face and brought the best self that I could muster. Sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. Or “be the change you want to see in the world” if we’re going to talk in bumper stickers. Sometimes just putting on some lipstick and a smile and forcing yourself to go out can bring positive results in your life. We’ll be talking about that more in coming posts, I promise!

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