Archive for March, 2013



17
Mar
13

credit where credit is due

I realize my last several posts have been a bit negative. The evolution of this blog has taught me that this is a great outlet when I’m feeling disciplined to write and share, and also when I’m feeling frustrated, lonely, snarky or am simply enjoying some solo time. However, when things are nice, fun, interesting, delicious, hot and I’m spending a lot of time in bed? Well, the best I can do is a quick tweet. (#risquedivorcee) When I’m getting goodly fucked, I’m not blogging. Subsequently, you guys are missing the good stuff and getting only the complaints. I think you should dump me. I’m a selfish whore.

No, baby, baby – I promise I’ll change! I’ll be good! You’ll like it from now on, I promise! I’ll do all those things you like!

Credit where credit is due – with R30 on Monday night…well, Tuesday morning. This was the guy that picked me up and pushed it pretty hard at the casino around 12:30am. I was seriously grubby and he was enraptured and kept calling me beautiful. His pitch was so strangely desperate – like he was overwhelmed by me and couldn’t possibly let me go without convincing me to date him, fuck him or let him give me a massage – that I actually wondered at its legitimacy. I was sort of waiting for his friends to show up and laugh or something sinister like that. But we exchanged numbers as well as kisses, despite his rather odd “used car salesman” pitches and his slightly effeminate manner. If I had to label, I would say that this guy was a pure cougar fan. Turns out, as indicated above, he’s 30.

Eventually, his buddies texted that they were leaving and he left me. A few minutes later, he came back, saying that they weren’t leaving yet and that he just wanted to spend a few more moments with me. We’d more or less made a date for the following night and it was quite late – like around 2am. He left again and I got up, stretched and moved to another machine at the casino. I was about ready to leave, but was on a winning streak and just enjoying playing a bit on their money. Then I got a text from him.

His friends and some girls are going to smoke out and drink at some lake that’s not too far from where I live. Would I like to come and hang out with him? Well, first, going to strange, secluded places with a bunch of men in the middle of the night is just an invitation for gang rape. Plus it’s late, it’s pissing rain and it’s cold. Why would I go to a lake – even if I was looking cute and more awake? I politely decline, saying that I am looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. He persists – can I just meet him at Shari’s for pancakes? He wants to spend more time with me. Well, that’s sweet and far less dangerous, but I’m not hungry and it’s nearing 3am now. Plus, how would that work? The logistics are confusing as he and his pals all rode together. Turns out he’s at home and has his own car now. Can we meet someplace and just talk?

Fuck it. He’s turned me on, he’s promised me a massage and it’s been almost two weeks since I had sex. I tell him to meet me at my place and I start driving. He’s driving right behind me, so I only have about 10 minutes to set the scene, have a little whore bath, put my hair in a ponytail, brush my teeth & put on sexy underwear and a robe. He’s at my door in no time. It’s almost 4am. I let him in and we kiss.

It took me awhile to realize that this guy is actually probably a bit of a sub. That could be what was up with the vibe I was picking up from him. But I’ve decided that since he offered the massage and since he has good hands, that I will enjoy the slow, languid, sexy massage that I hope to get. And he wants to do it – he wants to serve me and be my slave. We start making out and I lead him to the bedroom that is bathed in dim light and has a towel and massage oil close at hand – along with condoms, naturally.

R30 is very sweet and almost gentlemanly in the moves that he makes. He asks my permission to untie my robe. I let him. He practically faints at the sight of my body in the hot undies. He gasps, he pants, he tells me that I have a beautiful body. He asks if he can touch me. He asks if it’s okay, if it feels good. I say yes because it does. We kiss more, I let him rub me, he asks if he can touch my breasts. Oh god, you had better! But don’t hurt my pretty bra! He’s rubbing, kissing, sucking, licking, blowing (he’s got some lick then blow cold air on thing that he does – doesn’t really do it for me, but I get what you’re trying to do I guess.) He tells me to lie down. I’m just in my boy-short panties. He gasps at my ass and asks if he can touch it. He gets out the oil and rubs me in a very sensual massage. Before turning attention to my ass and other areas, he decides that my feet are cute and that he needs to rub my toes. He asks if that’s okay. Yes. Oh, wow – he’s going to suck them too. That’s only the second time that’s ever happened in my life. My brain thinks that the whole toe-sucking practice is gross but my twat thinks it’s really fucking hot and responds with a rushing river of wet.

Speaking of my pink parts, he finally got there – again, after asking permission – and when I was on display for him, breathlessly offered: “my God, that’s so beautiful.” You have to love such adoration and appreciation! All this was such a delight, but what he did with his tongue, hands & fingers was nothing short of amazing. I’ve had a few men who loved to eat pussy and get all up in there, but this guy took the cake. I think I still have bruises on my pelvis from his face crushing into my lady business. Eventually, after I had come a fair few times, we eventually relieved him of his pants and I found that he was endowed like a soup can. Oh yeah, I can work with that. Seriously, the girth was about that of a can of Campbell’s chunky style and the length possibly a bit more. Oh lucky, lucky me.

As part of the sales pitch that my new friend had offered earlier – he asked me “how long I could go” mentioning that he was a marathoner and could go back-to-back multiple times. Given that we started at 4am and he still had to go pick up his friends after their party, I didn’t expect a full demonstration, particularly because he mentioned that he probably only had an hour or so. He had also warned that it had been awhile for him so the first time would probably be quick but the second would be better. I fully expected him to “get a text” after the first quickie and run, but after all the fine, fine attention I had already received I wasn’t about to complain.

As it turned out, the first time was fantastic. The only problem was that he was slamming into me so violently that he would occasionally pop out because of his somewhat short length. I think we tried every possible position. After he came he was right back at me – keeping me warmed up for the next round that happened pretty quickly – especially after I gave him what he later referred to as “the best blowjob I’ve ever had in my life.” I also demonstrated my trick of applying a condom with my mouth. He was shocked, amazed, stunned and curious. I just explained that it’s a great way to keep a guy from losing wood while putting the condom on. So impressed was he that he asked me to do it again when we went in for round three. By that time both of us were flagging as it was after 6:30am and we had just had a mini-marathon of sex for almost three hours straight without stopping.

I’ve had a few texts from him since – one with a dick pic – and there was some talk about getting together today. I haven’t heard from him yet, but maybe I ought to take a nap just in case! 😉

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17
Mar
13

telling a guy to fuck off…before 8 am!

Arg. I think this might be my third cranky-ish blog entry in a row, but I know that some of you love me for my snark & bitchiness, right? Right? Say it! Say my name!

Last night I cooked up a bunch of corned beef and all the fixings and brought it over to my friends’ house. After we feasted, seven of us went out to a local Irish pub and started our St. Patrick’s Day revelry. Great band, great friends, excellent beers – a night of friends rather than men. In fact, one of my male friends asked if I didn’t have a date offer on a Friday night and I said no, I did – I just wanted to hang out with my pals! A most excellent, raucous time was had by all & we left around 12:30, grabbed some drive-in burgers & shakes & went back to my friends’ house & crashed pretty hard.

Side note, C43 finally “showed up” again yesterday via text and we actually had a playful, fun bantering, flirty text exchange from about 7pm, throughout the evening until around 1:30am. A rare treat for me. I love his brain and wish he wasn’t so confusing & weird, but he is.

The end of the night found me comfortably ensconced in my friends’ lovely guest room. They provided every comfort for my drunk ass! Then at 7:41am on a SATURDAY I received a text that woke me from my blissful slumber. I had a feeling that I knew who it was, but I couldn’t find my phone and nearly tore the bed apart – anxious to KILL the offender. Finally, I found it and yes, it was exactly who I thought – THOR! Asshole!

Now, I was going to write about this guy later and ask if it is possible to date someone who goes by a very stupid moniker. Who the hell calls themselves THOR, after all? He’s a POF contact – 33, tattooed & pierced, bigger guy, my type and seemed quite interested in me – and wanted to meet right away. He’s the one I call “T33” and I tried to meet last weekend but he was “busy” when it came down to it. Meanwhile, he would text me “hey mama” “hey sexy” all week and twice sent me dick pictures. Okay, so the guy has a cock like a can of Pringles. This is potentially worth putting up with some annoying habits, but he was starting to grate on my nerves. Call me old fashioned, but I guess I’d like to meet a guy before seeing his junk. Though again, nice junk. But I was getting a vibe from him that he mostly just wanted to exchange pictures and that’s all. Not my thing.

Back to the dumb name. I was trying to figure out how to reference it in the blog. I mean, seriously? How can I talk to him without sniggering? How could I refer to him to my friends with a straight face and how could I blog about his goofy name without using it? I considered calling him ZEUS or HULK or something in the blog, but now that he’s been an asshole and I’ve cut him loose, I feel fine using his “real” fake name. I mean, I’m sure it’s not the name that his mama gave him. And speaking of his mama, I’m NOT HER and him calling me “mama” was getting on my nerves as well. A fact that I had no problem sharing with him, but that he seemed to have a problem understanding. Not a big listener, this guy. Must be all his brains are in that big cock.

THOR (yes, it must be in all caps,) was also very slow to understand that our schedules are very different. We essentially work opposite hours. After an early morning text during the week I asked him not to message me before 9am. His response was to tell me how fucked up my schedule is. He’d been mildly to moderately irritating and was simmering way on the back burner because of his presumptions (that we would meet and fuck) and his inability to listen (friends before FWB, for instance.) So, 7:41am on Saturday comes a text from him saying “hey mommy” MOTHER. FUCKER. (Or not, in my case!) I finally found my phone so that I could send my livid reply:

What the fuck, man? 7:41 on a Saturday morning with that mommy shit?

Sorry, up and horny

Yeah? Fuck off! I asked you not to text me before 9. I asked you not to do the mommy shit. I think you’re not big on listening or respecting. And you woke my ass up!

Ha ha whatever bye

Yeah, whatever. BYE! What is it with guys who think that just because they are up and horny that you should be as well? This is a guy that I would have met and if we had hit it off, we could have had some nice, regular, no-strings sex. I was pretty clear about that too. But you blow it by being a pushy, immature asshole? Well, at least I found out before I wasted any condoms on him. Sheesh. Someone that self-involved and clueless is likely to be shit in the sack anyway. Not that I couldn’t get myself off on that big meat stick…but this is part of my evolution in dating: fucking vs. FWB. I have come to the amazing discovery that I can get laid pretty much whenever I want to. The thing is? I would also like to have some men that I can talk to, hang out with, see a movie, game or concert with and possibly, hang out with my friends on occasion without feeling ashamed to bring some fuck stick around. This is much more in keeping with the direction that I have taken in the dating world recently. The problem seems to be that the ones that are best in bed are not the most attractive to me as people and vice-versa. This is not always the case, but it’s sadly true quite frequently. Which is why I keep looking!

15
Mar
13

I don’t get it

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Technically I’m still married, so don’t need to worry about saving it for marriage. Also, I live in the Pacific Northwest so saving it for a rainy day isn’t tough either. Still, the practice of abstinence is something I simply don’t understand.

15
Mar
13

Follow me on twitter #risquedivorcee

Risque Divorcee Image

Follow me on twitter! I have been much more active there than on the blog itself. Enjoy a “quickie” with the Risque Divorcee!

15
Mar
13

why are the good guys worst in bed?

God.

I just spent the night with a very nice, fairly attractive, appreciative, complimentary man that I have a lot in common with. He loves to make out, snuggle, stroke, touch and manages to find the clit too. I feel like high school though. Lots of working me up, getting me hot and ready and…not bringing the goods! Yes, we had intercourse, but there were only about two satisfying strokes – the rest were shallow and slow – because he was trying not to cum. Okay, I understand this, but fellas, let me say this: when I’m that worked up and ready I would rather have 1 minute of nice, hard & deep pounding that 5 minutes of tentative & shallow strokes. Though five minutes may be a generous estimate on my part. To his credit, he did say that he didn’t want to give a bad first impression, so he went down on me for a good while. But it was again very tender and torturous. I finally had to ask him if he would finger me while tonguing me. Cripes! I wanted to call in a backup dick but felt it might be offensive to break out a big dildo and fuck myself with it at this point in the “relationship”. But I wanted to!!

I even managed to sleep well with this guy – a rarity! I awoke to him pulling me into his arms in a spoon position, kissing the back of my neck, rubbing me. Wet as hell, I settle myself so his dick is against the crook of my ass and give a little wriggle and moan. This usually does the trick for initiating morning sex. No dice. He went so far as to unwrap a condom and I went so far as to give him some oral stimulation, but he just never managed to get full wood. Finally I gave up.

Argh – there’s potential here, but I am afraid that I just set myself up for FWB with guy who is really into me and wants to be a regular but who doesn’t deliver in the fashion to which I have become accustomed. Just one of many reasons that I refuse to have an exclusive deal with anyone!

13
Mar
13

I know I’m slacking

With Internet down at home until Friday, a busy work week and a completely full social calendar, I’ve been slacking on the writing the past few days. Really the Internet is the biggest deal, but I think that my dating patterns sort of go in waves. I’ll have something like four men in an active roster at a time. Sometimes I’m managing 10 or so in various degrees of flirting, fucking & friendship. Then I find myself having a cold spell where there are none – I’ll write more then!

Meanwhile, when I don’t have time for a full blog, I have been trying to keep up with my twitter feed & tweeting @risquedivorcee. Please consider following my “quickies” on twitter!

Thanks for your patience!

❤ RD

12
Mar
13

too much of a good thing?

Oh my lordy, my little turtledoves! The “dry spell” of 12 days is over. And over. And over.

Unexpected. Unplanned. Unbelievably excellent.

Grabbing a salad & some free wi-fi at a local sandwich shop. Unlike last night’s guy, I’ve only got a few minutes!

After work I was bored. No internet or TV at home until Friday, so I spontaneously headed out to a local casino that’s about 20 minutes away from me. I was grubby. Hadn’t showered, flat hair, no makeup, jeans that bordered on “mom jeans”, a simple long-sleeve t-shirt, boots, glasses. I actually had the thought that I didn’t have to worry about getting hit on, I could just play and text.

An text. And text. A one point, I was texting three men at a time. One, my date for this coming Friday, is K36 – a guy I’m really enjoying being human with and chatting with. Great conversation, fun flirtation. Another is T33 – pretty cute, thinks I’m awesome on paper & can’t wait to meet a fuck me. He’s a little pushy. Dick pics, calls me “mama” – ummmm…maybe. I don’ like the “when can I get at you” assumption. Plus we were going to get together on Sunday but I wasn’t sure when because my kids were in town. I told him I would contact him around 5 or 6pm – which I did – and he was busy. Okay, by all means, don’t wait around for an uncertain meet with me, but it was a lame blow-off. He was cleaning & hi roommate was home so we couldn’t “have fun” – I was like “I’m not talking about fun – I’m talking about meeting for a drink.” He was sort of not listening. Anyway, he’s been texting but I’m getting some sort of weird vibe too. Maybe a girlfriend or ex or unfinished business? Something. Then hello there, in the midst of these two shows up S33. The guy who cancelled on me for Thursday. “Hey girl. How you been?” We chat a bit and then he tells me that he’s sort of interested in someone. Okay, did you hit me up just to tell me that, or are we still pals? No, we’re good. Okay. But not meeting up soon I guess. Bummer. He is crazy hot & has a really big dick.

So I’m cheerfully texting away with K36 (whom I am currently texting with, incidentally,) after the others have bid me goodnight. It’s approaching midnight or so, I’m up a nice little bundle…and just saying goodnight to K36 when this guy sits down two slots down from me and starts chatting me up. Did I mention that I am grubby and have no makeup on? He’s stone cold sober, pretty cute, very polite and selling it pretty hard. I let him buy me a drink.

AH! I am out of time! Gotta RUN! He was persuasive! By 4am we were at my house having pretty incredible sex (three times!) until about 6:30 or 7. I will fill in details next time I have internet!

xoxo  –RD