Archive for March, 2013



11
Mar
13

@risquedivorcee #risquedivorcee

In honor of my blog’s one-week anniversary I have made an effort to strengthen the ability to cross-post, share and find me. Therefore, I now have a Facebook fan page (with zero likes) and a Twitter feed. Find me, friend me & share me! (Sound like my dating strategy!)

https://twitter.com/RisqueDivorcee

http://www.facebook.com/therisquedivorcee

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11
Mar
13

Happy 1-week birthday!

20130311-113257.jpg

Jeez, I can’t even adjust the orientation of that picture from my phone! Sorry! The good news is that I am scheduled to have Internet back by Friday! Meanwhile, I am going to pull myself together & take my laptop to some free wi-fi for a properly smutty blog entry!

Happy 1-week birthday, Risqué Divorcée!

09
Mar
13

Ironic

Gee, remember when I said that I needed to call Comcast? Argh! Please enjoy the irony resulting from me starting a blog and having my Internet shut off in the same week!

Yes, I guess that this was a calculated risk that I chose to take. About 3 weeks ago I got a bill for nearly $600. Apparently they had stopped auto-deducting for no reason and I was in arrears. Well, shit! I wasn’t super excited about paying the delinquent amount all in one fell swoop. I also would rather get a Brazilian than call Comcast customer service! Ugh! I needed to cancel the cable & keep the Internet but after a week or so they cut my cable off but the web access remained. I knew I needed to attend to the issue but wondered how long I could skate by.

Well, my answer came today I’m the form of a sexy yet somewhat hostile cable subcontractor named Greg. He disturbed my afternoon blog writing with a sharp “cop knock” applied to my front storm door. No doorbell for this fella. Heck no! After giving him a good scan through the peephole and being satisfied at finding him standing in the yard rather than on the porch, I opened the door. Greg informed me in a rich, baritone voice that he was here to collect the cable box and modem and do my disconnect. Poop. Did we have an appointment?

I asked him exactly that and inquired if it was possible to return the equipment and keep the Internet hooked up. He gave me this sort of blowoff “I’m just here to do the disconnect unless you want to pay the account in full” response. I said “okay, so how much would I need to give you in order to do that?” This seemed to completely knock him for a loop. He said “well, you’ll have to contact customer service. I have to do the disconnect regardless.” Thus began a little back and forth where I pointed out that he just contradicted himself and asked whether he was doing the disconnect regardless or if he could prevent it if I paid the full balance. I should say that I was using my most polite and reasonable tone throughout the exchange.

Tough collector/disconnector guy Greg finally said “look, ma’am, I’m not here to go back and forth and negotiate with you…” I said “no, absolutely. And I’m not attempting to negotiate, I am just trying to clarify your previous statement that you don’t need to disconnect if I pay the full balance.” Defeated, he said “yeah, I’m sorry. That was inaccurate. You need to contact customer service and get re-connected. But you really should do that anyway because you should close this account. You were really paying way too much a month.”

Oh I see, now we’re pals. I went inside and disconnected the equipment. I brought it out and got a receipt and we talked a bit. Suddenly he’s Mr. Chatty and even…um…is my radar off or is he being flirty? Jesus. He’s like 25! I’m in yoga pants! But I go with it and briefly consider making one if those corny porno scenes come true. Young cable guy with hard hat & tool belt and a voice that sounds like melted chocolate? Yum. I decide to push my luck as he tells me it’s his last day working in my area. I suggest that he could just leave the Internet on and nobody would be the wiser. I tell him that I don’t need the modem because I have my own and I see it…that moment of hesitation and consideration as he paused, partway up the ladder and thought about it. Then he turned and looked down at me with a big smile and said “yeah, sorry, I have to follow the work order. Unfortunately I don’t agree with everything they do.”

Aaawww…thanks sweetie. Sorry about your not getting laid on your last day and all. 😉 No! No! I’m a slut, after all. Exchanging goods or services for sex would make me a whore. Let’s not go there just yet!

09
Mar
13

New Risqué Divorcée Graphic

 New Risqué Divorcée Graphic

I had this caricature commissioned by a talented artist, Jenni St. Onge.  You can click the image to find her on Deviant Art as hyacinth-zofia. She is amazing and I am in love with it!

Some day I will figure out how to actually apply it to my header properly.

08
Mar
13

friday freak-outs, flirtations and friskiness!

I’m kind of a spaz right now. I need food. I need a drink. I need to get laid. Okay, maybe I’ll rub one out before heading out to see about all the rest. Yeah, I’d better! I’m in such a mood that I could see myself calling C43 and saying “hey, buddy – aren’t we due for our quarterly, no-strings friend fuck?” I’m feeling quite randy.

I know it’s obnoxious to say that I’m in a “dry spell” just because I haven’t had sex in nine days. I would be an asshole to say that. Particularly because I’ve gone for several months without it in the not-so-distant past. At the time of my separation I’d had sex one time in nine months. I guess there’s a use it or lose it factor in play. I’ve been using it and I miss it and I’m horny tonight. I recently parted ways permanently with my “standby guy” of the past six months (S46) after a drunk, obnoxious and rather physical scene just over a week ago. (Okay, yeah, nine days ago.) 😦

Part of the reason that I’m cranked up tonight is because I have been enjoying a little text flirtation with the stunningly sexy P29. Amongst my friends P29 is referred to as “young Brad Pitt” because he looks like he walked out of Legends of the Fall in 1994. He’s delicious and excellent in the sack – a fairly impressive trait for first-time sex with someone that young. I haven’t seen him in 2 1/2 weeks and we’ve not communicated very much since he kissed me goodbye at my door. Last week I sent a text saying “not sure if we’re still pals, but I’m hanging out at…” and he assured me that we’re still pals. Tonight I hit him up to see if he wanted to play but sadly, he’s in Vegas for the weekend. He was a little more chatty and flirty tonight than he usually is and my panties are moist as a result. Man this guy turns me on. I want to climb him. I want him to move in for six weeks so that I can ruin him for other women. Ugh. Add to that sexual tension, S32 (the guy who cancelled on me for Thursday) sent me some flirty texts tonight too. These two guys fall into the “most sexy” category of my current lineup. They are also the youngest, but I’m not sure that’s why. C43 is very sexy – he’s just not that into me and he’s a bit down on himself and life right now, so that takes away from the zing! factor.

I decided to get on POF and see what was shaking there. I don’t usually make the first move but did tonight. I recognize that I am a certain age and a certain “flavor” that not all men care for. That’s not putting myself down or being self-deprecating. That’s being a realist and being honest. I don’t want someone who is going to “settle” for me because I seem nice or they want to get laid. I want someone who freaking loves my curvy body. So generally I let the chubby chasers come to me. One of those, R41, has been messaging me pretty regularly for a little over a week. Our chats have been really casual but then he’ll throw in a comment about wondering if I’m naked or say something about my boobs probably needing to be free pretty soon. Anyway, he went dark three days ago and hasn’t been responding to my “hey, happy weekend” posts. Dammit. I’d take that 6′ 3” sporto tonight.

I had a couple of men message me that didn’t really interest me. (See? I can actually be selective – even when I’m randy as hell!) A couple that I messaged gave witty responses but demurred about meeting. No instant gratification for me – at least without batteries.

I may be extra wired tonight because of a couple of earlier freak-outs too. I may have some residual adrenaline on board. What happened? Well, I’m trying my best to make risquedivorcee.com a legitimate blog with followers, comments and regular views. I like disciplining myself to write each day and having an audience to speak to seems to help keep me engaged. So, today after my earlier post, I decided to make a Facebook site for the blog as an attempt to increase traffic. After much consideration, I opted just to use my personal gmail account as the email. I was just starting the process of signing up for a new Facebook (careful not to “find friends” using my email account, natch,) when I noticed that I already had a friend request. I found that…odd…since I hadn’t so much as put a profile pic or my website address in yet. When I clicked on the friend request, I was told that the name was being withheld until I verified my email address. I hadn’t even gotten that far. So I verified the address and checked to see who my first friend request was from. It was from my younger brother.  😦  SO! NOT! OKAY! 😦

Nooooooo! Why? Seriously? Is he following my blog? Does he know it’s me? Does he not? Is he attracted to this frisky female or is he saving up all this information so that he can go on a killing spree? Good grief! I freaked out and called my niece, Olivia* who is not his daughter but knows all about this blog. I made her go through all her email accounts to see if I had accidentally sent out some sort of announcement inviting my friends to find me on Facebook. She received nothing.  That was a relief, but why did I get a request from him and why so fast? It occurred to me that a mutual Facebook friend of ours had linked to my blog earlier this week and maybe he saw it. It’s possible that he just happened to see risquedivorcee was on Facebook so that he could “like” it at the precise moment that I was creating an account. It’s possible. Still…creepy and weird!

Finally, it occurred to me that what likely happened was that at some time he probably did some sort of “find friends” thing using his email contacts and that my gmail address was one of them. It was probably some sort of auto-generated thing that happened the moment that I created the Facebook account.Yeah, that seems much more likely than any other scenario that I could imagine.

Also, I realized a couple of hours ago that my public profile on Word Press used a link that contained my actual name. I have since changed my user ID, but if you looked at my profile during the past five days you could have seen that. Fixed now!

I am not ashamed of myself or my behavior at all. I am just not ready to be “outed” yet. This blog isn’t exactly private – I am sharing it with strangers after all – but it’s intended for a select audience of supportive, interested and like-minded people. It is not intended for my brother. (Dude, if you recognize yourself in this post I think you’d better call me, okay?)

Meanwhile, I’m hungry in more ways than one and I think I’m going to get a little tarted up and see what kind of trouble I can find this evening. What are you guys up to?

*not her real name.

08
Mar
13

being smart & safe while being slutty…

Use condoms.

There. Now we all know how to have safe sex, don’t we? (Although in my new, multi-partnered life I have been somewhat shocked to find how few people actually do regularly practice safe sex. Many just rely on the “drug & disease free” assurances of strangers. They must not have grown up in the AIDS-scare 80’s like I did!)

I’m not talking about safe sex though. I’m talking about safe dating. I mean, it’s a big risk to put yourself out there and be willing to meet new people and allow yourself to be judged and vulnerable in the first place. But what about sharing personal information? What about not winding up in someone’s trunk? And, in a slightly less hysterical vein, how do we avoid those 6am texts from guys that we wish we had never exchanged numbers with?

No, really. Tell me. :-/

I freely admit that this is a selective process that I am still working on through trial and more than a few errors, but I have established some safety protocols and employed some basic common sense.

After experiencing my first heady rush of being “popular” and sought-after on Plenty of Fish, I was actually glad to have had a pushy, scary guy shake me up bad enough to make me pause and think about such matters. I’m a big, strong girl with lots of confidence. I have managed kids and tussled with lots of brothers and boy cousins over the years. I hadn’t really thought about stalking, date rape, violence or even unwanted advances. I was reveling in the attention. Thank you, creepy dude, for making me take a step back.

Ultimately, I found my muse. I have a smart, talented, sassy, 21-year-old niece who is drop-dead gorgeous. She is also someone that, because of what life has thrown at her while she was growing up, isn’t the most confident person in the world. I am delighted to be one of her sounding boards and someone that she contacts to talk about how to handle different social, dating and sexual situations. My role with her is to be the “cool mom” that you can talk to about everything. Also, because she is very mature and has a really good head on her shoulders, she is someone that I have been able to talk to about personal stuff as well. She’s a great person. And she’s my Jiminy Cricket.

Over the years, my niece, Olivia* would tell me about her various relationships with men and boys and I would dole out my common-sense, motherly advice. When I started communicating with men on the dating site, I would take my own personal scenario and imagine if it was a story that Liv was telling me about a man. Then I would listen to the common-sense advice that I would give her. I call this my “Livvie Test” and if my mom/aunt/gut is telling me to RUN then I listen. It’s actually a really helpful tool to use when I need a serious reality check or when some hot guy is filling my otherwise sane head with flattery and sexual imagery.

My other rules go like this:

  • Meet in public
  • Let someone know where you’ll be
  • Have a “lifeline” – someone you can call 24/7 if you need out!
  • Protect your phone number, email, last name, address
  • Establish “rules” about messaging & texting
  • Know what you want & be honest about it
  • Be honest with all parties – including yourself
  • Bring your own condoms

These are my rules and, as I am a grown-ass adult, I get to use my own judgment if I decide to break them. I don’t always adhere religiously. Sometimes, if I have talked to someone on the phone/facetime/tango/skype several times and have a pretty good rapport with them before actually meeting, I might consider meeting at his place or mine. Generally though – coffee or drinks is a good start. And we’ll drive separately, thanks.

Having a lifeline is good too. I usually let one of my close friends know who I’m meeting and where and then check in again later to let them know that I’m safe and that it’s going well. On occasion, I let them know if I am going to someone’s house, but not always. But I do let the man know that I am doing my “safety check-in” with my “first date spotter.” Most anyone that I have dealt with understands and appreciates this. Hey, they have to be careful too!

Early on, I used to give out my number much more liberally. Now I protect it. POF has a mobile app that is almost as good as text and I have the option of turning push notifications on or off as I see fit. They can use that for awhile. If they don’t like it, tough shit. I dropped a guy a few months ago and he insisted on sending me “good morning” messages two or three times a week for about six weeks after I told him that I wasn’t interested. These messages usually came between 6am and 8am…I swear, I’m learning! Now, when I give my number out, I let the person know that I would appreciate it if they didn’t call or text before 9am or after 11pm unless we have mutually agreed otherwise.

I’ve struggled to figure out what exactly I’m looking for in dating too. When offered choices like “intimate encounter” “dating but nothing serious” “dating” “looking for a relationship” “long-term, serious” or “wants to get married,” I currently select “dating”. No, I am not looking for serious, but I might consider it under the right circumstances and with the right person. I find that if I put “nothing serious” then I just get the wham-bam guys who want to fuck and nothing else. I’d love it if “friends with benefits” actually meant that in the online dating world. It doesn’t. What it seems to mean is “we both want to fuck and you don’t actually have to take me out before I put out.” No. I want to fuck, but too many people want to skip the friendship part of FWB. I want someone (or, preferably several someones,) that I can see a couple of times a month, have dinner with, talk to, maybe take a trip with, have a weekend with…and have exceptional sex with. I truly believe in this model, but the men that I have met don’t seem to. They either want long-term or one-night. I am starting a movement to train men about FWB. Seriously. Let’s watch football, eat food and fuck…and then you go away and we’ll message a little bit and do it again in three weeks. Yeah? Jeez, maybe I need to update my profile. 🙂

Since I started this post on the safe sex topic, I will end there too. Ladies, bring your own condoms. Just do it. Don’t count on a man to have them or want to use them. Bring them and if you have to, apply them. Practice. Learn how. I call them “party favors” and offer a variety of options to choose from. I also can put one on using my mouth. This trick is very helpful for a man who hesitates to wear one or who loses wood while struggling to put it on himself. In my experience, a man doesn’t argue too much if you have your mouth on his dick. Weekend wisdom from the Risqué Divorcée! 😉

Happy Friday, my little cupcakes! Let’s be safe out there!

*not her real name.

07
Mar
13

shit I love

shit I love

I love men. Yep. I love ’em. But please allow me to introduce you to a woman that I just fucking adore. Mary Lambert is a Northwest Artist that you should know because nobody preaches and speaks about our bodies, relationships, love and pain like she does. She is probably best know for bringing that soulful hook to “Same Love” by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis. She is a powerful voice. Period. The fact that her powerful voice has been a force in the movement for equality? Bonus for the world.

Enjoy! I gotta fold some goddamn laundry!




Categories

Quickies with the Risqué Divorcée!

  • Facebook "It looks like you're at Burger King. Check in to share with your friends." Me: shut the fuck up, Facebook! 2 years ago
  • RT @amyisprettycool: Ok, who wrote the Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer #SNL sketch because they just made America great again 2 years ago
  • RT @LuvPug: My husband thinks it's so cute when I speak to him with terms of endearment like 'honey' or 'cockblocker' 2 years ago
  • RT @SondraDeeMe: I've always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must've been really difficult. 2 years ago
  • RT @joss: To everyone who keeps saying "Go back to making jokes/films/etc", WHAT DO YOU THINK WE WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING 2 years ago
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