Archive for June, 2013

18
Jun
13

Getting dumped by someone I wasn’t even attracted to in the first place

Okay, kiddies – I’m going to try to get you up to date on recent events and may as well start with this one.

We’ll call him the little pirate bear & identify him as M41. Little Pirate Bear messaged me on OKC in a pretty bold and flirtatious fashion near the end of April. For those keeping score, I was still messing around with my young, hot booty call boys at that time and wasn’t that excited about this guy. He indicated that he’d just come out of a long-term relationship and didn’t know what he was looking for but needed to start looking. Okay, there’s a warning bell sounding in there because I can be kind of a handful, but he said that he loved kickin’ curves and loving a woman’s body, so he brought enough flirtatious zest to the table to get my attention. Subsequent conversations seemed to indicate that we had quite a lot in common as far as our personal relationship history was concerned and I felt like he was at the exact place that I was about 10 months ago – dipping my toe into dating for the first time in 20+ years, uncertain about what was available or what I wanted, lacking confidence, terrified but also excited to be taking those first steps in a new direction.

For as bawdy, ribald & raunchy as I can most certainly be, I’m also a real human being with the ability to be kind, empathetic, a good listener, a good friend, encouraging and nurturing. I felt like I could be supportive and encouraging to this guy and help set him on his feet for the dating scene – even if we didn’t hit it off romantically. It is notable to mention that our match score was around 90% – so he was similar to me politically, socially, sexually, ethically & concerning lifestyle. He was also poly-friendly. I was cautiously optimistic in meeting him. I figured that he wasn’t ready for me, but that I could probably be an encouraging friend and maybe more. I agreed to meet him for a drink.

He arrived early, I arrived late (due to traffic – a fact I communicated to him en-route) and when I spied him in the bar my internal response was a decisive “ugh”. I wasn’t attracted. He was a bit overdressed for a casual meeting – wearing a sports coat & slacks. He was short, stout & very grim looking overall. Still, I attributed a lot of that to nerves and newness. I soon came to realize that I was the first date that he’d had since his marriage. Which meant that I was the first woman besides his wife that he’d gone out with in something like 22 years. I cut the guy some slack and pointedly ignored his profuse sweating and frowning intensity. I bought him a beer.

Whether it was the alcohol or me, our talk flowed and we really seemed at ease with one another conversationally. He was smart, funny, self-deprecating, forthright, complimentary and comfortable. We talked for a long time on many subjects – including exes, marriage, kids, dating, poly, group sex, open relationships and such “dangerous” topics for a first date. It did feel more like a first date than a first meet-up too. There was a bit more expectation and pressure that was present than just a standard quick drink. We parted ways about three hours after we met – with a chaste hug and plans to see the new Star Trek film when it came out in two weeks.

I half expected that we would part with a kiss or that during our walk to my car he would take my hand. I wasn’t sure if he didn’t because he was nervous or because we didn’t click, but I did get a pretty strong “friend zone” vibe from the little bear. However, if you have read my recent thoughts about ego and evolution, you will understand when I say that I tried to set aside the fact that I wasn’t super attracted to this guy but I did actually like him a lot as a person. I was sincerely trying to look at the big picture with people – and to date people that shared common interests and experiences – whether they were super sexy or not!

Our second date went similarly to the first. He was less nervous, I let him see my true inner nerd at the Star Trek flick and one time he touched my ankle in a flirtatious way. Other than that, nothing pertaining to touch or flirting happened. We did extend our time together by hitting a bar for happy hour after the movie, but I was still getting the comfy friend vibe and that was okay since I didn’t feel any particular chemistry on my end. I was considering him as an interesting and fun person though.

Our texts and occasional phone calls between meetings were another story. His messages, attentiveness & flirtation outside of our 1:1 interactions were much more forward, flirty & occasionally naughty. Sometimes we would even talk about sexual preferences and he would occasionally make a quip about how I would taste or something like that. Finally, I shot the elephant in the room by telling him that I was intrigued by the fact that his messages were a lot more flirtatious than he was in person. I essentially asked him if he was more comfortable dealing in text or if he was just messing around or what.

His response was basically that he felt like we were sort of “drinking buddies” and that he didn’t really “feel anything beyond that” with me but…well, I am a beautiful, sexy woman and interesting, we have fun together & a lot in common…we’ll see. I told him that I was glad he said that because I felt similarly. I found him very comfortable, fun and great to talk to, but that I wasn’t sure whether we were going to be romantic with each other. I also said that I didn’t think he was quite ready for me & that I was a lot to handle straight out of the gate. He seemed to take that as a personal challenge.

We made plans to get together on the Saturday of Memorial weekend. I had plans to play games with friends on Sunday and was meeting a new guy that I was very interested in on Monday. I told little bear that I would cook and he offered to help or bring wine, etc. We talked about mixers, drinks, etc and finally came a text from him that said “should I pack a bag?” He followed immediately by saying that this would determine what and how much he would drink. I said “yes, absolutely! You are welcome to be comfortable, stay & be at ease. My guest bed is made up and since we are grown-ass adults, we can see how it goes and decide where you should sleep.”

I was quite pleased with that message and had generally decided that I liked him enough that if we got comfortable and chemistry kicked in, I would sleep with him. I mean, it had been several weeks for me, quite awhile for him and the flirting & dirty talk had kicked in with some humor – I knew that we would both enjoy it. However, I had the notion that it would probably be a bit awkward for him and probably consist of a few fumbling attempts followed by maybe two minutes of thrusting and that’s it.

I also have to admit that I had adopted a somewhat cavalier attitude of “benevolence” where the little bear was concerned. Like I was doing him a favor by throwing him a little action. Not so much a pity fuck, but maybe close to that. More like proving to myself that my ego didn’t need to have a 29-year-old Brad Pitt and this guy needed to get laid, so why not?

He showed up with flowers & I opened the door wearing a dress that essentially said “this is yours if you want it.”

He did.

We had drinks, ate dinner, flirted more, he did the dishes, we were comfortable with each other, watched some TV, snuggled, held hands, kissed a bit…and eventually went to bed.

OMIGOD. He was amazing in the sack. I mean, crazy amazing. He ate pussy and ass like it was Gordon Ramsay’s signature Beef Wellington and he hadn’t had a decent meal in years. His hands and mouth knew exactly how to bring me to more orgasms than I could count. His penis was fairly small and his testicles were bigger than anything I’d seen outside of a 4-H fair, but that was secondary to some amazing, amazing oral and digital action that he simply liquefied me with. We managed to have intercourse despite the fact that his dick had a case of nerves. He could get it up & keep it up, but he couldn’t cum. Therefore, I let him lead and set the pace. That pace was to clean wear me out. Okay, maybe not so clean. There was plenty of dirty.

We talked a lot – his ex had basically started to consider sex to be a bad thing once they had kids. He had been made to feel ashamed of his sexuality and treated like a deviant and a predator. I like to think that I helped him get past that a little bit. We talked about poly and about what that meant to us. He said that he was just happy to be with me. He made us breakfast. It was very comfortable and companionable. I had plans to go play games with my friends that (now Sunday) evening and was putting together a dish to pass when I suddenly asked him if he would like to join me. I’d invited very few of my lovers to come hang out with my friends, but in the moment I was really, sincerely feeling it. I had been surprised by this man and also more than a little charmed. Also, he was meeting another lady for lunch on Monday and I lived much closer to where they were meeting than he did. It made sense to have him stay another night. He agreed and came to my friends’ house with me.

We had a perfectly great time playing cards and games and talking with my friends. He was charming, funny and personable and fit in quite well. Later that night we had a lot more excellent sex and it was really intimate and intense. I started to think that I could really enjoy keeping this one around. In my mind, I was thinking that I could have two regular lovers who were dirty, nerdy & fun. I was imagining living a “normal” polyamorous lifestyle with two men that I could see socially and also have great sex with. Of course, I wasn’t meeting the other guy until that Monday either, but I knew based on our extensive conversations that we were going to totally hit it off. I wondered if my blog would suffer due to the boring old two-man show that I imagined.

The following week was peppered with lots of texts and a few phone calls. We made plans to see Man of Steel when it came out and arranged to get together the following weekend as well. I really liked the little Pirate Bear and we had an affinity that made him really easy to talk to. I knew that he was trying to get together with a third gal sometime and that he’d talked to her a few times. I was delighted that we could be open and comfortable talking about that too.

The next weekend he came over again. I told him about meeting the other guy and that it had gone very well. (In another blog entry I will tell you just how well it went!) He told me he didn’t think that things were going to progress with his first lady but that he had plans to see the other gal on Thursday. We were very physical and I found myself really drawn to him – stopping to touch him or kiss him while he was cooking dinner, etc. During dinner, however, he asked what happens if he develops feelings for someone. I said “that’s great” and said that the whole idea of poly was that you could love and care about multiple people. He then said that he was very interested in the other gal but that she was not poly-friendly. He said that he had been up-front with her about our “preexisting plans”  and told her about our date, but he was concerned about what would happen if they hit it off. He threw in a “not that I don’t have feelings for you, but…”

I had a sudden, sinking feeling that he was setting up a scenario where he would ride off into the sunset with this new gal and throw me over. I was a little stunned because here we were enjoying good sex, good food, fun conversation and companionship and he was basically worried about what would happen if he fell for the new gal. I suggested that he could just simply tell her that he wasn’t ready to settle down into a serious relationship and that he was just dating right now. He seemed somewhat unsatisfied with that notion. We had a great day and night together and he finally achieved orgasm with me – twice, in fact. When he left he wished me well on my upcoming trip & we talked about having another movie date when I got back.

Again, we exchanged texts during the week, but not with the same degree of frequency. Okay, I understood that he was managing three different women at that point and that he was somewhat new to dealing with that. I was also enjoying the company and attention of the other new guy in my life and fine with that. On Friday, I was planning to see the new guy again and getting ready to head out of town on Saturday. Little Bear sent me a chatty text Friday afternoon before I headed to work. At some point I asked him how his date went on Thursday. Several minutes passed before he responded. His response took five texts.

He explained that it went so well on Thursday that he needed to cancel our date to see Man of Steel. He appreciated the time we spent together but he told me from the start that he thought we were just drinking buddies and he didn’t feel the same spark for me that he did with this new woman. He had wanted to do this in person after my trip, but he couldn’t begin a new relationship with this woman with this “unknown element” still out there. He apologized, saying that he thought that I was expressing some feelings towards him that he could not return. Then he said “you can hate me & drink & complain about me, but I can’t screw this up. Sorry again.”

Ugh. I just got dumped by a guy I didn’t even want to have a second date with. Seriously?

Regardless, I was a very, very good sport.

I responded by saying that I had warned him that he wasn’t ready for me and kindly said that I wasn’t expecting him at all. I called him “a pleasant surprise” and said how much I enjoyed our time together. I said that I thought his mind had no problem with poly but that his heart might have objections. I told him that he was good, honorable, kind & passionate and that he should remember that and value it. I told him to lighten up – we’d had fun and there was no regret and certainly no hate!

Pretty awesome of me, right? Guess what his response was? NOTHING! Seriously? You met a gal yesterday and today you’re going steady & can’t even talk to me over text? Jeez! A total dump and run!

Three hours later, my phone rang at a point in my workday when I couldn’t answer it. It was the Little Pirate Bear & the voicemail that he left made it sound like he had either pocket dialed me or just hung up without intending to leave a message. I tried calling him back a few minutes later and he didn’t answer. I sent a text asking if he’d meant to call. He eventually sent a text saying it was a total pocket dial and telling me to have fun on my trip and “Thx 4 all your understanding.” Well damn, you’re welcome. I said sure and thanked him for saying that, acknowledging that I was a tad butthurt that he hadn’t responded at all. I said “Best to you” and let it go.

I was a bit annoyed at the abrupt end to our whirlwind romance, but I guess I had seen the writing on the wall. I am happy to report that two days later he sent me a very nice text wishing me a happy birthday and inquiring about how I was doing in Vegas. I kept my response very brief and didn’t engage after he responded. No need to make it more awkward.

Funny enough, I had a new message on OkCupid this past Thursday and noticed that little bear’s photo was no longer next to his messages in my inbox. Lo & behold – after knowing his gal for exactly one week, he had pulled his dating profile. Wow. I predict that this “poly-friendly” guy will be married again within the year.

I told you he wasn’t ready for me!

–RD

15
Jun
13

It’s like they know!

I sit down with my coffee and open up a page to start a new post. Then I get a text asking me if I want to join friends at my city’s Pride Picnic this afternoon. Well heck, yes I do! I have awesome friends too & it can’t always just be about dating & men, right?

Anyway, I hope that you are all out enjoying sunshine, BBQs, Father’s Day preparations, loved ones, good friends, good sex and making fantastic memories! I’ll be back soon!

Two new topics I plan to hit are….

  • Getting dumped by someone you didn’t even find attractive in the first place
  • New serious interest & new relationship energy
  • More tales from Vegas – and why didn’t I snap a photo?!?

XOXO

13
Jun
13

Catching up…requires more time!

Sorry, kids. The RD has been offline for awhile. I spent about three weeks steeped in what poly-folk call new relationship energy, followed by a vacation and now a little post-vacation recovery period of sloth & laziness. I have some catching up to do! In fact, I think I’m going to have to start keeping outlines again because boy do I have some stories to tell! I even have two or three new men who haven’t yet had a blog mention! I’ll try to stay in tonight and write a bit. Barring that, tomorrow morning should bear blog fruit! 

XOXOXO

RD

13
Jun
13

Mysogyny, misandry, feminism and dating – points to ponder

Interesting op-ed about the Seattle dating scene: http://seattletimes.com/html/opinion/2021142903_daniellecampoamoropedxml.html

Very interesting response to this particular op-ed: http://mikejackwrites.wordpress.com/2013/06/13/the-seattle-dating-scene-why-men-wont-ask-women-out/

More terrific insight on the subject: http://jezebel.com/5992479/if-i-admit-that-hating-men-is-a-thing-will-you-stop-turning-it-into-a-self+fulfilling-prophecy

One of the arguments made herein is essentially that some Seattle men, being so progressive, don’t wish to offend or scare women by approaching them and asking them on a date. Personally, I appreciate a man who embraces a feminist perspective and has empathy for women who may have been abused, victimized, raped, ogled or otherwise marginalized. However, I think that a man (or any romantic partner, for that matter,) who is overly sensitive in trying to “protect” a woman from his advances is underestimating a woman’s ability to make her own choices and use her own voice. Making that decision for her is akin to saying “I know what’s best for you” and deciding without her consent.

Just ask.

Trust her to be healthy enough to respond appropriately. If she’s not? Run like hell, my friend.

06
Jun
13

What happens in Vegas? I blog about!

Saturday I am heading to Las Vegas with three girlfriends to celebrate my 43rd birthday. Woo hoo! I’m excited!

My first Vegas trip was for my 40th birthday. My marriage & secondary romantic relationships were in the shitter. There was no way I wanted to “fake it” through a party…assuming that anyone would even want to throw me one after I’d been so insular with this other couple for so long & now we weren’t even speaking. I was hurt, depressed, alone & coming to terms with the fact that my marriage really was ending. Also, my mom died at 39 so turning 40 was an extra big deal for me. So, I explained all of this to the ex and told him I wanted to go to Vegas for my birthday and I wanted him to pay for it. He agreed. I went with two girlfriends and we had a fantastic time!

My next two trips were with the ex – including one in early April, 2012 which pretty much marked the end of our attempt to stay together. (Incidentally, it was the first time we had sex in months and the last time we had sex ever.) On the last trip, I had bought very excellent suite tickets to see Eddie Vedder, but he was injured & postponed his show to Halloween, 2012. Between April & Halloween, the ex and I split up. We I fought, separated, I moved out, we split a 25-year combined household, we didn’t speak for a time and then we found our friendship again. As October approached, I asked what I should do with his ticket. We discussed and decided to go together. What the hell? We’re friends, right? But in the weeks leading up to Halloween, the ex had been very sick with the flu. He was getting better but then spiked a fever, went to the doctor & discovered that he had a bad sinus infection. He was advised not to fly. This was about 30 hours before the trip.

So, a day before Vegas, I’m on Facebook offering ANYONE a chance to join me there where I have a free hotel room at the Paris & a free suite ticket to see Eddie Vedder on Halloween. Lots of folks tried, but none could pull it off. One single girlfriend simply didn’t have the vacation days available and lamented bitterly.

“What are you going to do?!?” she asked me.

“Um, go.”

“By yourself?!?! I can’t even manage to go out to dinner alone!”

“Girl, you gotta get over that shit!”

And that is how I wound up going to Las Vegas by myself on Halloween. Awesome show, even ran into Ed afterwards – almost literally. Gambled, walked, hung out and oh my God did I ever get hit on! What the heck? Single woman in Vegas? Man. I was like…magnetic. My first offer was from a couple at the cabstand waiting after the concert. They were both way too drunk to give much consideration to but they pretty much set the tone for the next three days. I gambled, flirted, talked, gambled some more and finally had my first actual one-night stand. Well, the kind that you know in advance is a one-night-stand. The kind where you don’t even exchange numbers.

So the concert was the first night and I gambled until the wee hours of the morning. Next day I didn’t even leave the hotel until about 10pm after I’d had dinner. Drinking all day, gambling. Got on a little bit of a heater, was up a few hundred bucks and playing Let it Ride while drinking  Tanqueray & tonics. A seat opened up next to me at my table and an attractive, mid-40’s-ish man sat down. Clearly he wasn’t terribly versed in the game and was losing fairly consistently, but he kept buying in. For the amount of money that he lost while chatting me up, he probably could have bought a rather nice hooker, but he got me instead. Lucky bastard. 🙂

In case you were unaware, the expression “Are you staying at this hotel?” is Vegas-speak for “Do you want to fuck?” Eventually, he asked the question & we got talking about our different rooms & what our views were like. We cashed out at the same time and walked together to the cashier. He asked if I wanted to get a drink and I said “no, I thought I’d like to see your shitty view if that’s okay.” It was. In short order we were making out & he was undressing me while growling compliments about my body and how sexy I was. He was very responsive and the sex was decent, but I have to say the best part was how vocal and enthusiastic he was. That and fulfilling that Vegas fantasy of being taken up against a window overlooking the strip. Pretty hot. Afterwards, he was packing up because he had to leave at 7am. He gave me a couple of those re-usable grocery bags that he had gotten at the convention he was attending – so I actually have some physical reminders of our time and not just the fine memory of my first one-night stand.

Since we were staying on different floors, I had to go back down to the casino floor to get to the elevator for my floor. We joked that we both knew that I would be back in the casino before long and it was true! I did go up to my room to charge my phone first though. When I plugged it in, I saw a text I’d missed from my ex and oddly enough, wound up talking to him for awhile. It didn’t occur to me later that it might have been a little odd to talk to my ex right after hooking up with a stranger, but it didn’t feel weird. It’s not like that’s what we talked about!

Leaving my phone to charge, I went back downstairs to the casino. I was out of smokes so I hit the little shop in the hotel to buy more. Now, I’m a happy, smiley, friendly sort as a general rule. I’m approachable which, I believe, is one reason that I tend to be rather successful in the sex & romance department…despite the fact that I’m a pretty big lady. I think I’m attractive and I’m comfortable and confident which seems to draw people to me. Anyway, smokes in hand, I was slapping the pack and walked over to throw my wrapper away where a handsome, bearded, young guy was smoking next to the trash can/ash tray. He greeted me and asked how I was doing. I lit up & we chatted about our wins/losses and then he asked what I was doing next. I said I was going to see if any $10 or less tables were open (it was probably close to 2am by this point,) and asked what he was doing. He said “whatever you are. I just want to hang out with you.” Um, okay. Are you even old enough to be in the casino?

We played some slots together and checked out a few machines. He said how he was there with some guy friends and that his roommate was really drunk. He asked “are you staying in this hotel?” Oh, boy. This guy was seriously sexy and very young. But hell, it’s Vegas, right? Eventually he asked if I wanted to get a drink (this is another “wanna fuck” signal, by the way.) Then he suggested that we should get some alcohol and go to my room for drinks. He seemed to be peeling a lot of money off so I let him buy what was some very expensive hotel shop Absolute vodka as well as some diet Pepsi for mixers. We went up to my room. He poured crazy heavy drinks that I don’t think either of us drank. We kissed. He was soft and had nice hands and lips but…how do I put this? I had to lead. A LOT. He was slow, quiet, tender…almost romantic. I was thinking “dude, this is a Vegas hook-up – can you stop trying to make love to me?!?”

When it came time to remove pants, I noted that he was wearing the exact same boxer briefs as the guy that I had just fucked less than three hours earlier. It was all I could do not to crack up at the thought. Before I took them off, I jokingly asked him if he was over 18 and he said he was WAY older – that he was 28. Jeez, still a baby, but still the youngest I’ve had. Also, I think he was lying. I think he was probably more like 23. I’m not entirely sure why I think so, but something about the way that he referenced his roommates made me think he was a college student. I could be wrong, but he seemed…young! Also drunk, which may have contributed to the slow, languid sex that we had. He was very much into kissing & stroking when what I really wanted him to do was get behind me and give me a good pounding. It was pleasant but frustrating.

Also, this was the first guy that I’ve ever been with who shaved his pubes. (Please read my April blog “The Hair Down There” for my thoughts on this subject! https://risquedivorcee.com/2013/04/16/the-hair-down-there/)

Well, two one-night stands in one night was certainly a first for me. The next day I got hit on so much that I walked over to Imperial Palace/The Quad to hide out where I could just gamble. I’m looking forward to seeing their finished remodel this weekend and to having new adventures!




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