I’m scheduled to get the Risqué Divorcée caricature of myself tattooed onto myself tomorrow afternoon. I’m a bit nervous. I LOVE IT but it’s also something that identifies my blog – which I’ve worked to keep separate & private from my real life. I’m lucky to be dating someone right now who is cool enough that I shared my blog with him. However, this isn’t for friends & family, really, so I will tell them (if they see it) that it’s a “chubby pinup of myself” and hope that they don’t stumble onto the blog. Whatever. It’s for ME!!
Archive for August, 2013
29
Aug
13
Upcoming topics
Yes! There will be some! My schedule changes next week and I have quite a few blogs backlogged in my head right now. Here’s what’s coming up:
- “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger” – the ex drops a bomb that would have wiped me out not too long ago. I discover I don’t give a shit anymore.
- “What Are You Afraid Of?” – a very good question, posed by my boyfriend. Worthy of consideration and thoughtful contemplation.
- “Butt Stuff” – we haven’t talked about sex in awhile, have we? Let’s.
- “Purging Drama” – part of separating, divorcing & building a new life is letting go of the drama, co-dependency and unhealthy associations that drain you. This includes “friends” who demand too much.
- “Overthinking vs. Thinking” – something I struggle with.
- “Bring Your A Game” – does being in a poly relationship pressure you to be your best self all the time because you are always sort of “competing” for time & attention? Should it? Is this a bad thing?
- “The Return of Little Pirate Bear” – he’s back. Sorta. Not sure if he’s staying.
- “Crossing the Streams” – the pros & cons of knowing your lover’s other loves.
27
Aug
13
Living in Sin
This morning when I was showering I experienced a little thrilling jolt – seeing his razor hanging next to mine in the shower caddy. My heart gave a little leap and my face lit up with one of those stupid “love” smiles that you see in jewelry commercials & on the faces of babies as they pass gas.
I like seeing his stuff at my place. I like having him beside me – literally & figuratively & metaphorically in the form of his black & green razor hanging next to my pink one. I love having him in my bed – waking up at 3am for some loving and then falling asleep in each others arms. The past few weeks of his “encroachment” at my invitation have been fun, exciting and mostly very comfortable.
But do I want it always? Always & forever are nearly as foreign as “only” and “exclusively” in the polyamorous construct. I’m not really sure why. Why, for example, should “many loves” mean “many short-term, intense affairs”? Often the books, blogs & articles that I read about poly cite examples of people cycling through romances if not casually…well, frequently. I’m pretty sure that’s not my ideal model either.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve cycled pretty hard & fast this past year as well, but I’m not talking about casual fucks. I’m talking about relationships. Loves. I’m not very comfortable cycling through those people or discarding people that have meant a lot to me. Oh, it happens – I get fed up with drama, someone moves, has a baby, gets involved in a new relationship – friendships change and sometimes fade. But loves?
I often say that I am a great ex because I don’t ever stop loving someone. I’m really loyal and even if someone has hurt me and is unhealthy for me, I still have good memories with them and recognize the good qualities about them that made me fall in love with them. As I said in past blogs, I’m a lover!
Which can be dangerous, right? I’ve struggled mightily this past year and a half to find myself, define myself, be self-sufficient and strong. I don’t want to lose that. I realize that moving forward into a cohabitation or near-cohabitation with someone is a huge step and also a bit sudden. I promise I’m not too love-struck or blinded by the cock. I’m actually giving it a lot of consideration.
I’m trying to not make the same mistakes…
Let me start by saying that I am very happy right now. I am absolutely loving the relationship that I have going on with E38 “Working-class Whimsy”. Really. There’s so much good stuff going on – both in and out of the bedroom and I’ve got a shit-eating grin on my face all the time. Happy.
I know we still have another month or so before the new relationship energy starts to cool and we figure out how to stand on our feet relationship-wise without the crazy ZING! that exists during those first few months. I’m not expecting things to get bad, I just know that they change after the newness wears off. Reality.
Meanwhile, I think about him all the time. When will I see him? What did he text? Where is he now? I think about him and smile or shiver at a sweet or sexy moment. I have it really bad. Seriously.
So what about dating? My past poly experience, for the most part, involved having and being a primary partner while engaging in secondary relationships at the same time. No doubt we made epic mistakes, but (at least in theory) my then-spouse and I were a partnered pair who were having other loves that weren’t the central focus of our family and life. I’ve never really been…what I am now – which is one of three girlfriends of a really fantastic man. It feels a little weird.
For example, I have been seeing “whimsy” often enough and the sex has been exceptional enough that I could easily be content having him be my only lover. As much as I enjoy variety – he manages to provide it along with plenty of orgasms too. I’m not bored. I may be lazy though – dating can be work and I guess I haven’t felt much like doing it since this man came into my life. I barely answer my messages on OKCupid and have only gone out with one other man.
I’m trying to figure out if that’s simply because I’m enjoying the newness of this relationship (now almost three months old,) or because of the love & affection that I have for this fella or…what exactly. Maybe I’m expecting it to turn into a monogamous situation. Maybe I’m just at the end of my post-separation “slut phase” – which most people say lasts about a year. Maybe all of the above.
I just haven’t felt like dating other men. And that’s a little weird for me. I mean, being part of a 3 woman, one man poly “branch” is just a little too “sister-wives” looking for me. It feels like it should be very patriarchal – even though it’s not because our man is very centered on his women, liberal, feminist & a great communicator. (Jesus – are we an “N”? Someone who knows poly terms help me out here!)
So herein lies the “problem” that only exists in my head. Should I be dating other people? I talked to E38 Whimsy about it and he obviously has no objections (it’s not that sort of a relationship,) and he understood my angst about it. He said “you’re worried that you’re not still poly if you’re only with me? Well, let me ask you this – if a fisherman isn’t on a boat is he still a fisherman?”
Is it any wonder that I’m crazy about this guy?
risquédivorcée 
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