risquédivorcée

I was poking around and found several unfinished drafts and thought “fuck it, send” – some of these are from too long ago for me to even remember where I was headed with them, so I am just publishing them as unfinished chunks of my life…

–RD

I’m going to try to write about something that seemed very clear late last night in that muzzy, post-coital time between orgasm and sleep. So clear, in fact, that after having the “ah-ha moment” I even rousted myself enough to send myself an email reminder to blog about it. This morning, however, the thought seems less clear and not nearly as focused.

I’ve been doing this a lot – thinking. Perhaps it’s my English major background that makes me feel that I need to come to a solid conclusion in my writing. Not having one seems to keep me from actually putting my words down. Yet not using the outlet I have here to write tends to make me over-think things and create this circuit that I fear will lead to self-fulfilling prophecy.

I’ve got a lot of experience with that. Which is why I’m trying to behave differently. It’s an interesting paradox, incidentally – valuing and uplifting your awesome self while trying to break ages-old bad habits. There’s this tendency to say “this is WHO I AM – if you don’t like me then FUCK OFF” yet, if you are a reasonably self-aware  person who is honest with themselves and in their inter-personal relationships, you know that you could do better. By the time you are my age you ought to have at least a fair knowledge of your bad habits and hopefully, some interest in improving. At least I do. But I feel like I can only take that so far. I can only examine myself and my motives, interests, habits, faults, insecurities & mistakes for so long before I say “you know what? I’m a good person and I try really hard so please accept me – warts and all.”

Which brings me almost to my fears about self-fulfilling prophecy. I’m currently in a really good relationship. We started out casual, fun, polyamorous…and it got hot, heavy and intense really fast. It’s still a lot of fun, mind, but fucking soon became making love which and saying “I love you”, sleepovers quickly turned into living together, poly quickly turned into primary, I stopped dating others, his relationships ended with his other two girlfriends and boom – the holidays brought about lots of “are we X or are we Y” questions in me. Let me clarify: though all this natural progression I’ve been very happy. I’ve resisted the urge to try to define or control what was evolving in our relationship. From the start we’ve been comfortable and natural with each other and I decided to just love each day we had together and not add the pressure of a label.

My fear was that if I asked to be