Posts Tagged ‘bars

01
Jul
13

the risky prospect of offering your love…

Okay. I’m a lover. No, really. I’m not just talking about sex, dating & intimacy. I’m extremely demonstrative with my friends and…well…everyone. I’m the kind of person that says “thanks, hun, you have a great afternoon” to the cashier at the grocery store. I’m gregarious. I’m outgoing. I say “I love you” to lots of people.

It’s something that is frequently said & texted among my girlfriends & I. It’s how we end a phone call. Most of my friends hug & kiss me hello/goodbye. Both of the men that I’ve lived with in romantic relationships (including my ex-husband,) still exchange “I love yous” with me. The bartender at my regular watering hole/karaoke joint greets me coming & going with a hug. Recently, he’s started saying “love you, gal” when I leave and I naturally respond “love you too, baby.” It just feels right to share my love with these people. Even my curmudgeonly uncle says it to me & ends emails with “love” from him.

Yes, I like to share my love & affection with people that I care about. It’s just how I am and most of my friends seem to be equally expressive & demonstrative.

And yet…you can be sexually involved with someone in the most intimate way possible, have the most fantastic, intense, emotional, physical connection. Exchange fluids, conversation, trust…rim-jobs…and somehow the romantic aspect of that relationship makes those three words dangerous, weighted, terrifying & forbidden.

Oh, you can say “I love fucking you!” “I love your cock!” “I love it when you do that!” and the like, but Lord knows, saying “I love you” to someone who is actually a lover is risky business. Especially if you like how things are going & don’t want them to freak out, get all weird & run away – or to start picking out china patterns. You never know how it’s going to be taken! Or worse, if you will be offered the “I love you return” (as Seinfeld called it.)

Certainly, “I love you” means different things to different people. I think my writing so far gives you a sense of what it means to me. It’s something to be shared. Being someone who identifies as polyamorous may lend to my comfort at dispensing my love among many. To me, it lets them know that I value them as a person and a friend/family member, that I care about them – their health, well-being, activities – and that they are part of my chosen tribe of people.

In the movies & on TV there’s often a big, dramatic, climax when Harry & Sally finally figure out that they LOVE each other and that means lots of kissing followed by MARRIAGE and HAPPILY EVER AFTER. There’s a “love binary” that happens in fiction that often transfers to real-life – particularly with the typical monogamous construct. You “fall in love” and then are expected to be with that one person forevermore – loving them exclusively with a passion so bright & fresh that you would never consider being involved with another person ever again.

It’s not that way for me. If we are romantic partners and I say that I love you – it means that the words have probably been teasing my lips for weeks. It means that you are more than just a fuck. You are likely someone that I have felt an intense connection with. We’ve probably had some intense and insightful conversions. You are probably sensitive, thoughtful, kind, funny, weird, focused, goofy. You’ve made me laugh. You’ve probably made me cum. It doesn’t mean I want to marry you or be exclusive, but it means that I want us to have a relationship. One that lasts awhile. One that we enjoy. It means that even if we breakup sometime when it’s no longer good for us, that I will probably have a degree of love and affection for you. I care about you and I want you to stick around.

Is that really so scary?

(Yes.)

(But I did it anyway.)

Post Script…I came to a realization that I don’t really blog about men that I have feelings for. I blog about the ones that spurn me, hurt me, make me laugh, send me stupid messages that we can mock…the ones that I like a lot? They barely get a mention. I’m going to work on that.

Meanwhile, there’s this new guy. Poly. Two other girlfriends. Really great. Been seeing him steadily for about five weeks now. Emboldened by a fantastic day celebrating equality & gay pride yesterday and during a time that we were neither under the influence or having sex, I told him that I love him. I said “don’t freak out – it’s just a day for sharing it.” He said “oh, I’m not. I know. I love you too.”

The I love you return!

Yay! (<—-my actual response to him saying it to me.)

It’s not so scary, right?

25
Mar
13

miss me?

I know I’m remiss in blogging. I warned you that you would be cast aside on the weekends like children required to have a visit with their non-custodial parent. “GO SEE DADDY! Mommy needs to have some GROWNUP TIME!”

My weekend was jam-packed from the time I got out of work until about 12:30 this morning. In fact, it was busy beginning on Thursday! Thursday I was supposed to meet a new guy (R41) for coffee. I was rushing around trying to pull myself together for a good first impression and received a message from him saying that he had just awakened and could we move coffee. I immediately responded and asked “move it to later or another day?” Now, this message was sent 13 minutes before we were supposed to meet and he took another 20 minutes to respond to my question, so I was rather pissed. However, since, he’s a fireman and eventually apologized profusely, I agreed to meet him again after giving him a little bit of shit. I suggested that perhaps he might consider leading with the apology and responding promptly next time, but warned there would be no next time because I only offer one mulligan. We exchanged numbers and agreed to same time & place on Friday. I was running late on Friday, but also had a little “red flag” going off that he was going to stand me up again. I don’t know why. I hadn’t heard from him with an “on my way – looking forward to seeing you” text or anything either. I was just feeling that I was wasting eyeliner as I was getting ready, you know? I sent a text as I was leaving that said I was running about 5 minutes late. By the time I parked, it was 6 minutes after the appointed meeting time and I had not heard from him at all, nor was he in the coffee shop. There was one similarly built fella getting coffee that I knew wasn’t him, but I wished was. I briefly considered going up to him and saying “Hi, are you R?” just to see what would happen. 🙂 After 11 minutes had passed from our appointed meeting time, I sent another text saying “you = not not here & not responding. Am I reading it wrong?” A couple of minutes later he responded with “Who’s this??” and I said “Really? Okay, leaving.”

I had already left the coffee shop and it was 20 minutes after our meeting was supposed to happen when I received this flurry of texts:

Oh shit….I’m sorry!

 

I didn’t save your #

 

I got hung up at work on an emergency

 

I could almost be understanding about the work emergency. Almost. If not for the fact that it happened the day before, he didn’t communicate well either time and oh yeah, who the hell doesn’t save the phone number/contact of someone that they are interested in? People who are too busy to date or lying about their single status. Either way? Just go ahead and lose my number again, okay?

Friday lunch with an ex lover & good friend was nice – and I was looking all cute after being stood up earlier, so that doesn’t hurt! I outed this blog to him with mixed feelings, but he seemed pretty engrossed in the front page at least. While at lunch, I got a text from the guy that I was going out with on Friday night. This was a planned sleepover with the “not-so-hot-in-the-sack” guy. He’s Indian and I was having Indian for lunch, so I told him that I also planned to have Indian later. I realize that I have not ever “identified” him in previous posts, but he’s K36 and when I told him we could be fuck buddies he said “rather friends with benefits because friends do things together.” That was rather nice and sweet. Then the sex was meh, but I was giving him another shot. Also, while in bed last time he said that he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, he just wanted me one or two nights a week. Uh, honey – that’s called a boyfriend! Especially if you text me the other 5 or 6 days a week! Lord, I may need to manage this one.

Friday night, I was already tired and offered K36 the option of going out as planned or staying in and ordering a pizza. We agreed not to set a “fuck buddy precedent” and drove into Chinatown for dinner. It was pleasant and he’s really good at heating me up with a slight touch, kiss or sweet comment. As I said a few entries ago, I gave this guy a 9 in foreplay and a 3 in fucking. This time, it was probably an 8 and a 4 – which means he’s still a six. Again, he gets me soaking, dripping, puddle on the bed wet but can’t manage to actually sock it to me. He’s tentative like he’s trying not to cum every time. We managed three times in about 20 hours – the third being a BJ wherein I realized that this guy comes about 1/4 teaspoon. It’s like nothing. Very weird.

I also felt sort of like telling K36 to get out. I mean, is it rude to say “hey, thanks for the mediocre sex – now could you leave so I can either fuck myself with a dildo or call another guy over to finish me off?” I guess it is, yeah. But I feel like this guy is sort of like a fluffer – he’s great at getting me ready to go, but he’s not good at the main feature. Again, he gets tons of credit for his improved finger and tongue work and a solid A for effort!

Saturday I went out with some friends to dinner and a gay variety show. It was a blast. Seriously! Such a friendly crowd too – lots of love going around! After, I went with a different friend to a hip gay bar that was far too hip for me. Seriously. It was the first time in my life that I actually waited in line to get into a cool club just for the club – not for a concert or something. Then, just like in the movies, the doorman held his hand up at me and said “I’m stopping the line here.” I kid you not. Suddenly I’m the old, fat, straight, uncool kid. Thank God for fucking awesome, beautiful, popular, gay friends who can turn around and say “she’s with me” and suddenly I’m in! Of course it’s still way too fucking cool for me, but it was fun anyway & we wound up hanging out with some friendly and funny people. They had some fish-bowls full of condoms and I was dying to grab some, but decided to play it cool instead. Man, I really need to restock my supply!

Sunday I performed in a show then took my kids and ex out for birthday dinner for my son. I was getting texts from both R30 and K36 but had to tell them to cool it because I was hanging out with my kids. R30 was all about how beautiful I am and how he wants to be inside me. Oh man, I needed that after K36 left the other day! Late in the evening, when I was alone, we engaged in traditional phone sex – the kind where to talk voice rather than just exchanging pics and text. Of course, he still sent pics (hello, soup can dick) and also asked for them (no!) We made tentative plans for this evening which is cool.

Lately my “fuck buddies” or my “active roster” as I like to call them, have been closer to one-night stands than part of a regular rotation. I am glad to have at least two that will come back for more every couple of weeks. I’m still holding out hope for a couple of others too and have heard from both R41 and P29 this week, incidentally.

That’s all I have for now. If my tentative date for this evening falls through I will try to get back here and tell you a story or two, but I would much rather be making some new stories for you tonight. I’m really looking forward to that!

 

 




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