Posts Tagged ‘bars

19
Jul
21

re-entering the world – is my “socialize” setting broken?

I really need more poly friends. Friends that I can geek out with and talk to about dating and relationships. Someone who isn’t my husband. My spouse and I are pretty open about the people that we date, and will often even socialize with each other’s metas. (partner’s other partners.) But we tend to keep specific details to ourselves. It’s a sort of amalgamation of “kitchen table poly” where everyone talks and plans together, and “don’t ask don’t tell” poly where partners date separately and don’t share all the intimate details of their other relationships.

Spilling new relationship energy onto an existing relationship can be fun in some ways. Flirting with someone new can make you feel confident, sexy, and amorous. It’s fun to share that joyful, sexy energy with a partner. On the other hand, it can get annoying to hear every schmoopy detail about your love’s new love interest. I understand that.

Part of the reason that I started this blog in the first place is that I felt like I was overwhelming my friends with stories about my dating exploits. I wanted a place where I could tell stories, and recall the fun, exciting, and ridiculous experiences that I had. Not only were my friends having trouble keeping up, so was I! This space became a place that I could chronicle my journey, share my exploits, be vulnerable, be mean, be honest. It’s really interesting to go back and read posts from eight or nine years ago. I have really evolved a lot since then. I’m pretty sure that I’m nowhere near my final form yet!

Life took some unexpected turns in the past years, and I’ve not dated very much recently. COVID factored greatly, as did the fantastic relationship that I have with my spouse/nesting partner. There were professional demands, there was a wedding to plan and host, we moved twice, there were two deaths in our immediate families, and one of us was seriously injured in an accident.

Dating was never completely off the table, but it was certainly not a priority. At least not for me. My man dates a lot more than I do and is often putting himself out there, or at least “chatting with” a few people fairly regularly. He keeps an active dating profile, and is active on several poly groups. He tends to tell me about his interests when they get to the point of meeting in person. If they are just “talking” he may or may not mention them. As of right now, our slightly unusual system works.

I, myself started flirting with an old flame several months ago and it was fun. (Let’s call him Groovy Gardener.) He’s someone that I’ve known since junior high, it’s a long-distance situation, so right now it’s just chat, but it was good for my ego, and a turn-on. I don’t expect anything to come of it, and I have a feeling that it’s not something that he would be open with his partner about, so we didn’t get far into discussing ethics or going beyond fun talks that have been somewhat naughty at times.

Then a few weeks ago, a new contender entered the arena. (We shall dub him Mr. Write because he’s a writer, appreciates a good pun, and also because he’s been somewhat mentoring me with my “legitimate” writing efforts. (Did you kids know that you are illegitimate?)

Well, perhaps he’s not entirely new. A new, old contender, I guess. I will have to look back and see if I mention him at all in past blog entries, but I don’t think so. Today he gets his own designation in my blog anyway! We met about eight or nine years ago through a mutual friend that I no longer associate with. Back then, I felt that we were flirting and vibing nicely, but I wasn’t quite sure. He would respond to a message, and possibly show up to socialize, sing karaoke, or grab a drink, but my former friend liked to stir the pot and had made a few provocative comments in his presence that may have been uncomfortable or misleading. Sometimes he would only stay for a short time, and I wasn’t sure if that was because of her, or if it was simply nothing. I don’t know because whatever flirtation we had basically stalled. I also wasn’t sure if he was poly or knew that I was poly based on conversations with me or with our various mutual acquaintances (including an openly poly friend of his that I dated.)

Anyway, over the years we have socialized a little bit, are friends on social media, have run into each other on occasion, but hadn’t hung out in quite a long time. I married Working Class Whimsy four years ago – a few months before Mr. Write also got married. He and his wife even bought some wedding items from us at our post-wedding garage sale. I would venture to guess that that was the last time we saw each other until about a month ago.

In May, yet another mutual friend (there are several,) passed away. A few weeks later, a private wake/memorial was held in a local bar. I hadn’t been to a bar in 16 months and almost talked myself into not going, but in addition to wanting to honor my friend; it was a private party, safety protocols were in place, and about eight people that I really wanted to see were going to be there. There was karaoke. I hadn’t done karaoke in two years.

When I walked into the bar (fully masked,) the first person I saw was Mr. Write. Hugs and hellos were exchanged, introductions made with his table companions. I realized that about 85% of the people in the bar were not wearing masks, and, being fully vaccinated, I decided to remove mine as well. I admit to having a few moments of moderate panic after I took off the mask, and I said as much. It was truly bizarre to be inside a building without a face covering. Weirder still was getting water from a communal pitcher and drinking from a stack of cups on the bar. It was pretty loud, so conversation was challenging and required leaning in towards the speaker to be effective.

I hopped from table to table in order to socialize with various people. It was simply amazing to be among other humans.  Despite it having been a memorial for a departed friend, I couldn’t stop smiling. The energy was incredibly positive, and I loved talking, singing, and seeing people that I hadn’t seen in a long while. So, when I say that I thought that I was picking up a little vibe with Mr. Write, well…maybe it was my great mood and over-active imagination. Maybe he’s just flirty and outgoing like me…or maybe…has it been so long that I don’t remember what chemistry and flirtation feel like? Do I just flirt with everyone? Probably yes to both.

I spent time with lots of folks – old friends and new, and then made sure to reconnect with Mr. Write on the way out. His tipsy companions (two hot chicks, as I recall,) were friendly and we talked about COVID, our late friend, re-entering society, and crazy hair color. I had experimented with purple, a “mermaid blend,” pinkish-blonde, and hot pink in recent months, and shared a photo or two, which Mr. Write seemed to receive positively. There was some level of comment about how one photo was a bit “boobilicious” and he raised no objection. I made a joke about my body having all the qualities that one enjoys in boobs, just all over. It was funny, and social, and I talked way too much, but it felt good.

Before I even got home I had a couple of messages from him. Funnily, there was nearly an 8-year gap between our Facebook messages. He sent a couple of funny, nerdy, song parodies that he did during COVID. They are very geeky, but I love how secure he is in his nerdiness. There’s a confidence and comfort that is much braver than I. I admire people who don’t particularly mind being ridiculous. It’s delightful. Several messages were exchanged, some of them a little bit deep and personal in nature.

He’s a published author, and I sought his advice about writing. More good exchanges. He was very supportive when I had a little tantrum when I was unable to submit a piece that I wrote due to technical issues. I missed the deadline, then they extended the deadline because the technical issues were on their end. Yay. I got the piece turned in, but really appreciated that he had reached out with his support and advice.

One day, I bought a book that featured one of his short stories and settled into a hammock in my back yard and read. When I got to his story, I snapped a pic of my feet up in the hammock, and his title and name on my kindle.

I captioned the photo: “my current view”

His response was “Huzzah! Reading + legs, what a wonderful summer view 😊 and I like that story.”  

Yes, it does sound flirtatious, but during the month or so that we’ve been chatting, I became aware of the fact that Mr. Write is nearly 19 years younger than I am. This fact alone made me think that I must be crazy to think that we were having a mutual crush. Still, I truly valued our blooming friendship and excellent conversation. Yes, I love flirting, romance, passion, and sex, but I also love people, conversation, and connection. I welcome both.

He invited me to join him and some friends for karaoke a couple of weeks ago. I had plans with my family, so I declined. (Okay, the truth: I went to a dive bar with my family and had a huge burger and a couple of strong drinks and was unable to get up off the couch to go out!)

He’s been out of town for a week or so, and a few days ago, I received a message from Mr. Write asking if I wanted to get together when he’s back in town next week. My response was:

“Yes, Please.”

His response was:

“You are an I-want-to-spend-time-with-you person.”

Well, pardon me if I swooned just a bit. I did. My heart did a little flip-flop in my chest and my tummy felt funny. Because even if that wasn’t intended to be flirting, and even if it was only meant in a platonic, friendly way, it was meaningful to me. I appreciate this person, enjoy his company, and am grateful that he wants to spend time with me. It also at least somewhat validated the feeling I had that we were hitting it off.

So we chatted quite a bit more, and it was a little disjointed because I was high as hell and watching Space Jam: A New Legacy and talking about Porky Pig and Don Cheadle. Somewhere in there, he told me that he was in the bath, and sent a picture of his legs – perhaps a throwback to my hammock legs some weeks ago. I referenced the Cialis bathtub commercials, and he wasn’t familiar, but it led to a discussion of what his tub photo should advertise. I suggested the seven deadly sins, which was well received with more sly flirtation.

Then he said that he was going to need to go soon because he was tired and the phone was heavy in his hand. I made “goodbye” sounds and he said that he was turning on his side so as not to doze off and give himself a black eye. Having been told that he needed to wrap up, I said; “have a good rest of your evening” and he said; “oh wait, one more thing.”

My heart stopped, and those three little dots lingered for what seemed like an eternity.

At last, came the following message:

“Going to ask the question without being too awkward, are we doing a mutual online flirting thing, and is it welcome?’

“Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you for clarifying.”

“Sounds good. I’m also really game for flirting without direction, but thought it easier to ask.”

“I’m someone that never assumes and welcomes connections of all sorts.”

“I’m someone who overwonders about overstepping”

I love that he was brave enough to ask. I love that my consent was important to him. I also know it’s all very 8th grade and pretty tame, but it gave me quite a boost. I admit that I am currently surfing on quite a NRE (new relationship energy) high. Which is silly since we haven’t even had what could be considered a “first date” – though we’re working on scheduling something for when he gets back in town. I’m just happy and enthusiastic about getting out there again, connecting with someone, and also, I’m thrilled to know that my “radar” isn’t off. Yes, we actually were vibing. Yes, it was mutual. Yes, he likes me.

Oh my god I really do sound like my 8th grade diary!

Be safe out there, friends!

–RD

01
Jul
13

the risky prospect of offering your love…

Okay. I’m a lover. No, really. I’m not just talking about sex, dating & intimacy. I’m extremely demonstrative with my friends and…well…everyone. I’m the kind of person that says “thanks, hun, you have a great afternoon” to the cashier at the grocery store. I’m gregarious. I’m outgoing. I say “I love you” to lots of people.

It’s something that is frequently said & texted among my girlfriends & I. It’s how we end a phone call. Most of my friends hug & kiss me hello/goodbye. Both of the men that I’ve lived with in romantic relationships (including my ex-husband,) still exchange “I love yous” with me. The bartender at my regular watering hole/karaoke joint greets me coming & going with a hug. Recently, he’s started saying “love you, gal” when I leave and I naturally respond “love you too, baby.” It just feels right to share my love with these people. Even my curmudgeonly uncle says it to me & ends emails with “love” from him.

Yes, I like to share my love & affection with people that I care about. It’s just how I am and most of my friends seem to be equally expressive & demonstrative.

And yet…you can be sexually involved with someone in the most intimate way possible, have the most fantastic, intense, emotional, physical connection. Exchange fluids, conversation, trust…rim-jobs…and somehow the romantic aspect of that relationship makes those three words dangerous, weighted, terrifying & forbidden.

Oh, you can say “I love fucking you!” “I love your cock!” “I love it when you do that!” and the like, but Lord knows, saying “I love you” to someone who is actually a lover is risky business. Especially if you like how things are going & don’t want them to freak out, get all weird & run away – or to start picking out china patterns. You never know how it’s going to be taken! Or worse, if you will be offered the “I love you return” (as Seinfeld called it.)

Certainly, “I love you” means different things to different people. I think my writing so far gives you a sense of what it means to me. It’s something to be shared. Being someone who identifies as polyamorous may lend to my comfort at dispensing my love among many. To me, it lets them know that I value them as a person and a friend/family member, that I care about them – their health, well-being, activities – and that they are part of my chosen tribe of people.

In the movies & on TV there’s often a big, dramatic, climax when Harry & Sally finally figure out that they LOVE each other and that means lots of kissing followed by MARRIAGE and HAPPILY EVER AFTER. There’s a “love binary” that happens in fiction that often transfers to real-life – particularly with the typical monogamous construct. You “fall in love” and then are expected to be with that one person forevermore – loving them exclusively with a passion so bright & fresh that you would never consider being involved with another person ever again.

It’s not that way for me. If we are romantic partners and I say that I love you – it means that the words have probably been teasing my lips for weeks. It means that you are more than just a fuck. You are likely someone that I have felt an intense connection with. We’ve probably had some intense and insightful conversions. You are probably sensitive, thoughtful, kind, funny, weird, focused, goofy. You’ve made me laugh. You’ve probably made me cum. It doesn’t mean I want to marry you or be exclusive, but it means that I want us to have a relationship. One that lasts awhile. One that we enjoy. It means that even if we breakup sometime when it’s no longer good for us, that I will probably have a degree of love and affection for you. I care about you and I want you to stick around.

Is that really so scary?

(Yes.)

(But I did it anyway.)

Post Script…I came to a realization that I don’t really blog about men that I have feelings for. I blog about the ones that spurn me, hurt me, make me laugh, send me stupid messages that we can mock…the ones that I like a lot? They barely get a mention. I’m going to work on that.

Meanwhile, there’s this new guy. Poly. Two other girlfriends. Really great. Been seeing him steadily for about five weeks now. Emboldened by a fantastic day celebrating equality & gay pride yesterday and during a time that we were neither under the influence or having sex, I told him that I love him. I said “don’t freak out – it’s just a day for sharing it.” He said “oh, I’m not. I know. I love you too.”

The I love you return!

Yay! (<—-my actual response to him saying it to me.)

It’s not so scary, right?

25
Mar
13

miss me?

I know I’m remiss in blogging. I warned you that you would be cast aside on the weekends like children required to have a visit with their non-custodial parent. “GO SEE DADDY! Mommy needs to have some GROWNUP TIME!”

My weekend was jam-packed from the time I got out of work until about 12:30 this morning. In fact, it was busy beginning on Thursday! Thursday I was supposed to meet a new guy (R41) for coffee. I was rushing around trying to pull myself together for a good first impression and received a message from him saying that he had just awakened and could we move coffee. I immediately responded and asked “move it to later or another day?” Now, this message was sent 13 minutes before we were supposed to meet and he took another 20 minutes to respond to my question, so I was rather pissed. However, since, he’s a fireman and eventually apologized profusely, I agreed to meet him again after giving him a little bit of shit. I suggested that perhaps he might consider leading with the apology and responding promptly next time, but warned there would be no next time because I only offer one mulligan. We exchanged numbers and agreed to same time & place on Friday. I was running late on Friday, but also had a little “red flag” going off that he was going to stand me up again. I don’t know why. I hadn’t heard from him with an “on my way – looking forward to seeing you” text or anything either. I was just feeling that I was wasting eyeliner as I was getting ready, you know? I sent a text as I was leaving that said I was running about 5 minutes late. By the time I parked, it was 6 minutes after the appointed meeting time and I had not heard from him at all, nor was he in the coffee shop. There was one similarly built fella getting coffee that I knew wasn’t him, but I wished was. I briefly considered going up to him and saying “Hi, are you R?” just to see what would happen. 🙂 After 11 minutes had passed from our appointed meeting time, I sent another text saying “you = not not here & not responding. Am I reading it wrong?” A couple of minutes later he responded with “Who’s this??” and I said “Really? Okay, leaving.”

I had already left the coffee shop and it was 20 minutes after our meeting was supposed to happen when I received this flurry of texts:

Oh shit….I’m sorry!

 

I didn’t save your #

 

I got hung up at work on an emergency

 

I could almost be understanding about the work emergency. Almost. If not for the fact that it happened the day before, he didn’t communicate well either time and oh yeah, who the hell doesn’t save the phone number/contact of someone that they are interested in? People who are too busy to date or lying about their single status. Either way? Just go ahead and lose my number again, okay?

Friday lunch with an ex lover & good friend was nice – and I was looking all cute after being stood up earlier, so that doesn’t hurt! I outed this blog to him with mixed feelings, but he seemed pretty engrossed in the front page at least. While at lunch, I got a text from the guy that I was going out with on Friday night. This was a planned sleepover with the “not-so-hot-in-the-sack” guy. He’s Indian and I was having Indian for lunch, so I told him that I also planned to have Indian later. I realize that I have not ever “identified” him in previous posts, but he’s K36 and when I told him we could be fuck buddies he said “rather friends with benefits because friends do things together.” That was rather nice and sweet. Then the sex was meh, but I was giving him another shot. Also, while in bed last time he said that he didn’t want to be my boyfriend, he just wanted me one or two nights a week. Uh, honey – that’s called a boyfriend! Especially if you text me the other 5 or 6 days a week! Lord, I may need to manage this one.

Friday night, I was already tired and offered K36 the option of going out as planned or staying in and ordering a pizza. We agreed not to set a “fuck buddy precedent” and drove into Chinatown for dinner. It was pleasant and he’s really good at heating me up with a slight touch, kiss or sweet comment. As I said a few entries ago, I gave this guy a 9 in foreplay and a 3 in fucking. This time, it was probably an 8 and a 4 – which means he’s still a six. Again, he gets me soaking, dripping, puddle on the bed wet but can’t manage to actually sock it to me. He’s tentative like he’s trying not to cum every time. We managed three times in about 20 hours – the third being a BJ wherein I realized that this guy comes about 1/4 teaspoon. It’s like nothing. Very weird.

I also felt sort of like telling K36 to get out. I mean, is it rude to say “hey, thanks for the mediocre sex – now could you leave so I can either fuck myself with a dildo or call another guy over to finish me off?” I guess it is, yeah. But I feel like this guy is sort of like a fluffer – he’s great at getting me ready to go, but he’s not good at the main feature. Again, he gets tons of credit for his improved finger and tongue work and a solid A for effort!

Saturday I went out with some friends to dinner and a gay variety show. It was a blast. Seriously! Such a friendly crowd too – lots of love going around! After, I went with a different friend to a hip gay bar that was far too hip for me. Seriously. It was the first time in my life that I actually waited in line to get into a cool club just for the club – not for a concert or something. Then, just like in the movies, the doorman held his hand up at me and said “I’m stopping the line here.” I kid you not. Suddenly I’m the old, fat, straight, uncool kid. Thank God for fucking awesome, beautiful, popular, gay friends who can turn around and say “she’s with me” and suddenly I’m in! Of course it’s still way too fucking cool for me, but it was fun anyway & we wound up hanging out with some friendly and funny people. They had some fish-bowls full of condoms and I was dying to grab some, but decided to play it cool instead. Man, I really need to restock my supply!

Sunday I performed in a show then took my kids and ex out for birthday dinner for my son. I was getting texts from both R30 and K36 but had to tell them to cool it because I was hanging out with my kids. R30 was all about how beautiful I am and how he wants to be inside me. Oh man, I needed that after K36 left the other day! Late in the evening, when I was alone, we engaged in traditional phone sex – the kind where to talk voice rather than just exchanging pics and text. Of course, he still sent pics (hello, soup can dick) and also asked for them (no!) We made tentative plans for this evening which is cool.

Lately my “fuck buddies” or my “active roster” as I like to call them, have been closer to one-night stands than part of a regular rotation. I am glad to have at least two that will come back for more every couple of weeks. I’m still holding out hope for a couple of others too and have heard from both R41 and P29 this week, incidentally.

That’s all I have for now. If my tentative date for this evening falls through I will try to get back here and tell you a story or two, but I would much rather be making some new stories for you tonight. I’m really looking forward to that!

 

 




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