risquédivorcée

Huh. I was going to write something funny. I was. In fact, I still may. I have a cute, hot, interesting story to share. But I have a quandary that may turn into a rant and I feel like I want to get it out there. Here it is: what was I thinking when I decided to share this blog with actual people that I know? What was my motivation? Pride? Ego? Need for attention? Validation? Ugh.

I mean, yes – I’m proud of the writing I’ve been doing. Hell, I guess I’m pretty proud of the fucking I’ve been doing when you get right down to it. YES it is VALIDATING to be a fat, middle-aged woman who was essentially cast off by my spouse (who could barely manage to fuck me every six weeks or so,) who is now getting lots of action from a variety of lovers. This is rewarding, empowering and exciting. Yep! It’s also new, interesting, often humorous, and fun to write about.

But this blog, while written in part for you, is really for me. It’s a forum for me to share my thoughts, concerns, triumphs, hurts, fears, challenges, insecurities & successes. Part of the reason that I started doing it was that my dating life had started to dominate discussion with my friends and I wanted us to be able to talk about other things from time to time! My friends are awesome, encouraging and very supportive, but by sharing this blog with them I can say “oh, it’s going pretty well – yes, I saw him on Friday – if you want the details read the blog, but yeah, pretty nice.” They have the option of reading the details or not. Some do. Some don’t. Some read very regularly.

One potential lover told me “I really need my own entry in your blog.” That was very sweet. It made me feel good knowing that he was reading and that he cared, but that he didn’t give a shit that I was active with many other people. He still wants me.

I’ve been contemplating that a bit too – am I wanted because I’m fun, interesting, relaxed & sex-positive, or am I wanted because I put out? Both are valid, but the latter isn’t quite as flattering I guess.

Anyway, over the past few days I have had some interactions with several different people that have made me want to write about them in some detail. But I can’t. Because they or people that they know read this blog and would possibly recognize them. I have been very careful and conscious about privacy – my own as well as that of others. I wouldn’t want to ever “out” someone for engaging with me on a personal level – sexually or otherwise. However, I find myself feeling extremely frustrated by the fact that I am unable to write about personal issues that rock my world.

I’ll try to do the funny story later. 😦