risquédivorcée

Use condoms.

There. Now we all know how to have safe sex, don’t we? (Although in my new, multi-partnered life I have been somewhat shocked to find how few people actually do regularly practice safe sex. Many just rely on the “drug & disease free” assurances of strangers. They must not have grown up in the AIDS-scare 80’s like I did!)

I’m not talking about safe sex though. I’m talking about safe dating. I mean, it’s a big risk to put yourself out there and be willing to meet new people and allow yourself to be judged and vulnerable in the first place. But what about sharing personal information? What about not winding up in someone’s trunk? And, in a slightly less hysterical vein, how do we avoid those 6am texts from guys that we wish we had never exchanged numbers with?

No, really. Tell me.

I freely admit that this is a selective process that I am still working on through trial and more than a few errors, but I have established some safety protocols and employed some basic common sense.

After experiencing my first heady rush of being “popular” and sought-after on Plenty of Fish, I was actually glad to have had a pushy, scary guy shake me up bad enough to make me pause and think about such matters. I’m a big, strong girl with lots of confidence. I have managed kids and tussled with lots of brothers and boy cousins over the years. I hadn’t really thought about stalking, date rape, violence or even unwanted advances. I was reveling in the attention. Thank you, creepy dude, for making me take a step back.

Ultimately, I found my muse. I have a smart, talented, sassy, 21-year-old niece who is drop-dead gorgeous. She is also someone that, because of what life has thrown at her while she was growing up, isn’t the most confident person in the world. I am delighted to be one of her sounding boards and someone that she contacts to talk about how to handle different social, dating and sexual situations. My role with her is to be the “cool mom” that you can talk to about everything. Also, because she is very mature and has a really good head on her shoulders, she is someone that I have been able to talk to about personal stuff as well. She’s a great person. And she’s my Jiminy Cricket.

Over the years, my niece, Olivia* would tell me about her various relationships with men and boys and I would dole out my common-sense, motherly advice. When I started communicating with men on the dating site, I would take my own personal scenario and imagine if it was a story that Liv was telling me about a man. Then I would listen to the common-sense advice that I would give her. I call this my “Livvie Test” and if my mom/aunt/gut is telling me to RUN then I listen. It’s actually a really helpful tool to use when I need a serious reality check or when some hot guy is filling my otherwise sane head with flattery and sexual imagery.

My other rules go like this:

• Meet in public
• Let someone know where you’ll be
• Have a “lifeline” – someone you can call 24/7 if you need out!
• Protect your phone number, email, last name, address
• Establish “rules” about messaging & texting
• Know what you want & be honest about it
• Be honest with all parties – including yourself
• Bring your own condoms

These are my rules and, as I am a grown-ass adult, I get to use my own judgment if I decide to break them. I don’t always adhere religiously. Sometimes, if I have talked to someone on the phone/facetime/tango/skype several times and have a pretty good rapport with them before actually meeting, I might consider meeting at his place or mine. Generally though – coffee or drinks is a good start. And we’ll drive separately, thanks.

Having a lifeline is good too. I usually let one of my close friends know who I’m meeting and where and then check in again later to let them know that I’m safe and that it’s going well. On occasion, I let them know if I am going to someone’s house, but not always. But I do let the man know that I am doing my “safety check-in” with my “first date spotter.” Most anyone that I have dealt with understands and appreciates this. Hey, they have to be careful too!

Early on, I used to give out my number much more liberally. Now I protect it. POF has a mobile app that is almost as good as text and I have the option of turning push notifications on or off as I see fit. They can use that for awhile. If they don’t like it, tough shit. I dropped a guy a few months ago and he insisted on sending me “good morning” messages two or three times a week for about six weeks after I told him that I wasn’t interested. These messages usually came between 6am and 8am…I swear, I’m learning! Now, when I give my number out, I let the person know that I would appreciate it if they didn’t call or text before 9am or after 11pm unless we have mutually agreed otherwise.

I’ve struggled to figure out what exactly I’m looking for in dating too. When offered choices like “intimate encounter” “dating but nothing serious” “dating” “looking for a relationship” “long-term, serious” or “wants to get married,” I currently select “dating”. No, I am not looking for serious, but I might consider it under the right circumstances and with the right person. I find that if I put “nothing serious” then I just get the wham-bam guys who want to fuck and nothing else. I’d love it if “friends with benefits” actually meant that in the online dating world. It doesn’t. What it seems to mean is “we both want to fuck and you don’t actually have to take me out before I put out.” No. I want to fuck, but too many people want to skip the friendship part of FWB. I want someone (or, preferably several someones,) that I can see a couple of times a month, have dinner with, talk to, maybe take a trip with, have a weekend with…and have exceptional sex with. I truly believe in this model, but the men that I have met don’t seem to. They either want long-term or one-night. I am starting a movement to train men about FWB. Seriously. Let’s watch football, eat food and fuck…and then you go away and we’ll message a little bit and do it again in three weeks. Yeah? Jeez, maybe I need to update my profile. 🙂

Since I started this post on the safe sex topic, I will end there too. Ladies, bring your own condoms. Just do it. Don’t count on a man to have them or want to use them. Bring them and if you have to, apply them. Practice. Learn how. I call them “party favors” and offer a variety of options to choose from. I also can put one on using my mouth. This trick is very helpful for a man who hesitates to wear one or who loses wood while struggling to put it on himself. In my experience, a man doesn’t argue too much if you have your mouth on his dick. Weekend wisdom from the Risqué Divorcée! 😉

Happy Friday, my little cupcakes! Let’s be safe out there!

*not her real name.