Posts Tagged ‘communication

16
Aug
13

First world “problems” – am I looking for trouble?

Let me start by saying that I am very happy right now. I am absolutely loving the relationship that I have going on with E38 “Working-class Whimsy”. Really. There’s so much good stuff going on – both in and out of the bedroom and I’ve got a shit-eating grin on my face all the time. Happy.

I know we still have another month or so before the new relationship energy starts to cool and we figure out how to stand on our feet relationship-wise without the crazy ZING! that exists during those first few months. I’m not expecting things to get bad, I just know that they change after the newness wears off. Reality.

Meanwhile, I think about him all the time. When will I see him? What did he text? Where is he now? I think about him and smile or shiver at a sweet or sexy moment. I have it really bad. Seriously.

So what about dating? My past poly experience, for the most part, involved having and being a primary partner while engaging in secondary relationships at the same time. No doubt we made epic mistakes, but (at least in theory) my then-spouse and I were a partnered pair who were having other loves that weren’t the central focus of our family and life. I’ve never really been…what I am now – which is one of three girlfriends of a really fantastic man. It feels a little weird.

For example, I have been seeing “whimsy” often enough and the sex has been exceptional enough that I could easily be content having him be my only lover. As much as I enjoy variety – he manages to provide it along with plenty of orgasms too. I’m not bored. I may be lazy though – dating can be work and I guess I haven’t felt much like doing it since this man came into my life. I barely answer my messages on OKCupid and have only gone out with one other man.

I’m trying to figure out if that’s simply because I’m enjoying the newness of this relationship (now almost three months old,) or because of the love & affection that I have for this fella or…what exactly. Maybe I’m expecting it to turn into a monogamous situation. Maybe I’m just at the end of my post-separation “slut phase” – which most people say lasts about a year. Maybe all of the above.

I just haven’t felt like dating other men. And that’s a little weird for me. I mean, being part of a 3 woman, one man poly “branch” is just a little too “sister-wives” looking for me. It feels like it should be very patriarchal – even though it’s not because our man is very centered on his women, liberal, feminist & a great communicator. (Jesus – are we an “N”? Someone who knows poly terms help me out here!)

So herein lies the “problem” that only exists in my head. Should I be dating other people? I talked to E38 Whimsy about it and he obviously has no objections (it’s not that sort of a relationship,) and he understood my angst about it. He said “you’re worried that you’re not still poly if you’re only with me? Well, let me ask you this – if a fisherman isn’t on a boat is he still a fisherman?”

Is it any wonder that I’m crazy about this guy?

 

24
Apr
13

Sometimes it’s just fun to be a whore

Oh it is! I love it! Though I guess I’m really just a slut since I don’t get paid!

For whatever weird reason – perhaps because I blogged twice yesterday – I am having a near-record day for blog hits & stats. This actually makes me feel great and I was feeling rather blue, wasn’t I?

Funny enough, I got a text this afternoon from R30 (Soup Can Man) asking how his sex goddess was doing. I had to laugh because I had just made this R40 entry last night and decided that nicknames needed to be added to avoid confusion. R40 is Dancing Doctor Who. We exchanged some texts today too but nothing mushy or flirty. The next two days are supposed to be glorious and I want to ask him to do something but I already feel like I may have overwhelmed him with my personality and nervous monologuing.

No word from P29/Brad Pitt at all – even when I messaged that I hoped he was feeling better. So we’re back to that I guess. Bummer.

Anyway, enough whinging! I acknowledge and validate my feelings, but I also recognize that my social life is much better than most and keeps me engaged, happy & sexually satisfied for the most part. In other words, I have little to complain about overall.

Meanwhile, I am being a total whore right this minute – I’m doing a new blog entry just so you will look at it, read it & push my stats up over the top to a new, record-breaking day.

I love you guys! Be good to each other!

11
Mar
13

Happy 1-week birthday!

20130311-113257.jpg

Jeez, I can’t even adjust the orientation of that picture from my phone! Sorry! The good news is that I am scheduled to have Internet back by Friday! Meanwhile, I am going to pull myself together & take my laptop to some free wi-fi for a properly smutty blog entry!

Happy 1-week birthday, Risqué Divorcée!

08
Mar
13

being smart & safe while being slutty…

Use condoms.

There. Now we all know how to have safe sex, don’t we? (Although in my new, multi-partnered life I have been somewhat shocked to find how few people actually do regularly practice safe sex. Many just rely on the “drug & disease free” assurances of strangers. They must not have grown up in the AIDS-scare 80’s like I did!)

I’m not talking about safe sex though. I’m talking about safe dating. I mean, it’s a big risk to put yourself out there and be willing to meet new people and allow yourself to be judged and vulnerable in the first place. But what about sharing personal information? What about not winding up in someone’s trunk? And, in a slightly less hysterical vein, how do we avoid those 6am texts from guys that we wish we had never exchanged numbers with?

No, really. Tell me. :-/

I freely admit that this is a selective process that I am still working on through trial and more than a few errors, but I have established some safety protocols and employed some basic common sense.

After experiencing my first heady rush of being “popular” and sought-after on Plenty of Fish, I was actually glad to have had a pushy, scary guy shake me up bad enough to make me pause and think about such matters. I’m a big, strong girl with lots of confidence. I have managed kids and tussled with lots of brothers and boy cousins over the years. I hadn’t really thought about stalking, date rape, violence or even unwanted advances. I was reveling in the attention. Thank you, creepy dude, for making me take a step back.

Ultimately, I found my muse. I have a smart, talented, sassy, 21-year-old niece who is drop-dead gorgeous. She is also someone that, because of what life has thrown at her while she was growing up, isn’t the most confident person in the world. I am delighted to be one of her sounding boards and someone that she contacts to talk about how to handle different social, dating and sexual situations. My role with her is to be the “cool mom” that you can talk to about everything. Also, because she is very mature and has a really good head on her shoulders, she is someone that I have been able to talk to about personal stuff as well. She’s a great person. And she’s my Jiminy Cricket.

Over the years, my niece, Olivia* would tell me about her various relationships with men and boys and I would dole out my common-sense, motherly advice. When I started communicating with men on the dating site, I would take my own personal scenario and imagine if it was a story that Liv was telling me about a man. Then I would listen to the common-sense advice that I would give her. I call this my “Livvie Test” and if my mom/aunt/gut is telling me to RUN then I listen. It’s actually a really helpful tool to use when I need a serious reality check or when some hot guy is filling my otherwise sane head with flattery and sexual imagery.

My other rules go like this:

  • Meet in public
  • Let someone know where you’ll be
  • Have a “lifeline” – someone you can call 24/7 if you need out!
  • Protect your phone number, email, last name, address
  • Establish “rules” about messaging & texting
  • Know what you want & be honest about it
  • Be honest with all parties – including yourself
  • Bring your own condoms

These are my rules and, as I am a grown-ass adult, I get to use my own judgment if I decide to break them. I don’t always adhere religiously. Sometimes, if I have talked to someone on the phone/facetime/tango/skype several times and have a pretty good rapport with them before actually meeting, I might consider meeting at his place or mine. Generally though – coffee or drinks is a good start. And we’ll drive separately, thanks.

Having a lifeline is good too. I usually let one of my close friends know who I’m meeting and where and then check in again later to let them know that I’m safe and that it’s going well. On occasion, I let them know if I am going to someone’s house, but not always. But I do let the man know that I am doing my “safety check-in” with my “first date spotter.” Most anyone that I have dealt with understands and appreciates this. Hey, they have to be careful too!

Early on, I used to give out my number much more liberally. Now I protect it. POF has a mobile app that is almost as good as text and I have the option of turning push notifications on or off as I see fit. They can use that for awhile. If they don’t like it, tough shit. I dropped a guy a few months ago and he insisted on sending me “good morning” messages two or three times a week for about six weeks after I told him that I wasn’t interested. These messages usually came between 6am and 8am…I swear, I’m learning! Now, when I give my number out, I let the person know that I would appreciate it if they didn’t call or text before 9am or after 11pm unless we have mutually agreed otherwise.

I’ve struggled to figure out what exactly I’m looking for in dating too. When offered choices like “intimate encounter” “dating but nothing serious” “dating” “looking for a relationship” “long-term, serious” or “wants to get married,” I currently select “dating”. No, I am not looking for serious, but I might consider it under the right circumstances and with the right person. I find that if I put “nothing serious” then I just get the wham-bam guys who want to fuck and nothing else. I’d love it if “friends with benefits” actually meant that in the online dating world. It doesn’t. What it seems to mean is “we both want to fuck and you don’t actually have to take me out before I put out.” No. I want to fuck, but too many people want to skip the friendship part of FWB. I want someone (or, preferably several someones,) that I can see a couple of times a month, have dinner with, talk to, maybe take a trip with, have a weekend with…and have exceptional sex with. I truly believe in this model, but the men that I have met don’t seem to. They either want long-term or one-night. I am starting a movement to train men about FWB. Seriously. Let’s watch football, eat food and fuck…and then you go away and we’ll message a little bit and do it again in three weeks. Yeah? Jeez, maybe I need to update my profile. 🙂

Since I started this post on the safe sex topic, I will end there too. Ladies, bring your own condoms. Just do it. Don’t count on a man to have them or want to use them. Bring them and if you have to, apply them. Practice. Learn how. I call them “party favors” and offer a variety of options to choose from. I also can put one on using my mouth. This trick is very helpful for a man who hesitates to wear one or who loses wood while struggling to put it on himself. In my experience, a man doesn’t argue too much if you have your mouth on his dick. Weekend wisdom from the Risqué Divorcée! 😉

Happy Friday, my little cupcakes! Let’s be safe out there!

*not her real name.




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Quickies with the Risqué Divorcée!

  • Facebook "It looks like you're at Burger King. Check in to share with your friends." Me: shut the fuck up, Facebook! 2 years ago
  • RT @amyisprettycool: Ok, who wrote the Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer #SNL sketch because they just made America great again 2 years ago
  • RT @LuvPug: My husband thinks it's so cute when I speak to him with terms of endearment like 'honey' or 'cockblocker' 2 years ago
  • RT @SondraDeeMe: I've always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must've been really difficult. 2 years ago
  • RT @joss: To everyone who keeps saying "Go back to making jokes/films/etc", WHAT DO YOU THINK WE WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING 2 years ago