Posts Tagged ‘dating

19
Jul
21

re-entering the world – is my “socialize” setting broken?

By risquedivorcee Leave a Comment
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I really need more poly friends. Friends that I can geek out with and talk to about dating and relationships. Someone who isn’t my husband. My spouse and I are pretty open about the people that we date, and will often even socialize with each other’s metas. (partner’s other partners.) But we tend to keep specific details to ourselves. It’s a sort of amalgamation of “kitchen table poly” where everyone talks and plans together, and “don’t ask don’t tell” poly where partners date separately and don’t share all the intimate details of their other relationships.

Spilling new relationship energy onto an existing relationship can be fun in some ways. Flirting with someone new can make you feel confident, sexy, and amorous. It’s fun to share that joyful, sexy energy with a partner. On the other hand, it can get annoying to hear every schmoopy detail about your love’s new love interest. I understand that.

Part of the reason that I started this blog in the first place is that I felt like I was overwhelming my friends with stories about my dating exploits. I wanted a place where I could tell stories, and recall the fun, exciting, and ridiculous experiences that I had. Not only were my friends having trouble keeping up, so was I! This space became a place that I could chronicle my journey, share my exploits, be vulnerable, be mean, be honest. It’s really interesting to go back and read posts from eight or nine years ago. I have really evolved a lot since then. I’m pretty sure that I’m nowhere near my final form yet!

Life took some unexpected turns in the past years, and I’ve not dated very much recently. COVID factored greatly, as did the fantastic relationship that I have with my spouse/nesting partner. There were professional demands, there was a wedding to plan and host, we moved twice, there were two deaths in our immediate families, and one of us was seriously injured in an accident.

Dating was never completely off the table, but it was certainly not a priority. At least not for me. My man dates a lot more than I do and is often putting himself out there, or at least “chatting with” a few people fairly regularly. He keeps an active dating profile, and is active on several poly groups. He tends to tell me about his interests when they get to the point of meeting in person. If they are just “talking” he may or may not mention them. As of right now, our slightly unusual system works.

I, myself started flirting with an old flame several months ago and it was fun. (Let’s call him Groovy Gardener.) He’s someone that I’ve known since junior high, it’s a long-distance situation, so right now it’s just chat, but it was good for my ego, and a turn-on. I don’t expect anything to come of it, and I have a feeling that it’s not something that he would be open with his partner about, so we didn’t get far into discussing ethics or going beyond fun talks that have been somewhat naughty at times.

Then a few weeks ago, a new contender entered the arena. (We shall dub him Mr. Write because he’s a writer, appreciates a good pun, and also because he’s been somewhat mentoring me with my “legitimate” writing efforts. (Did you kids know that you are illegitimate?)

Well, perhaps he’s not entirely new. A new, old contender, I guess. I will have to look back and see if I mention him at all in past blog entries, but I don’t think so. Today he gets his own designation in my blog anyway! We met about eight or nine years ago through a mutual friend that I no longer associate with. Back then, I felt that we were flirting and vibing nicely, but I wasn’t quite sure. He would respond to a message, and possibly show up to socialize, sing karaoke, or grab a drink, but my former friend liked to stir the pot and had made a few provocative comments in his presence that may have been uncomfortable or misleading. Sometimes he would only stay for a short time, and I wasn’t sure if that was because of her, or if it was simply nothing. I don’t know because whatever flirtation we had basically stalled. I also wasn’t sure if he was poly or knew that I was poly based on conversations with me or with our various mutual acquaintances (including an openly poly friend of his that I dated.)

Anyway, over the years we have socialized a little bit, are friends on social media, have run into each other on occasion, but hadn’t hung out in quite a long time. I married Working Class Whimsy four years ago – a few months before Mr. Write also got married. He and his wife even bought some wedding items from us at our post-wedding garage sale. I would venture to guess that that was the last time we saw each other until about a month ago.

In May, yet another mutual friend (there are several,) passed away. A few weeks later, a private wake/memorial was held in a local bar. I hadn’t been to a bar in 16 months and almost talked myself into not going, but in addition to wanting to honor my friend; it was a private party, safety protocols were in place, and about eight people that I really wanted to see were going to be there. There was karaoke. I hadn’t done karaoke in two years.

When I walked into the bar (fully masked,) the first person I saw was Mr. Write. Hugs and hellos were exchanged, introductions made with his table companions. I realized that about 85% of the people in the bar were not wearing masks, and, being fully vaccinated, I decided to remove mine as well. I admit to having a few moments of moderate panic after I took off the mask, and I said as much. It was truly bizarre to be inside a building without a face covering. Weirder still was getting water from a communal pitcher and drinking from a stack of cups on the bar. It was pretty loud, so conversation was challenging and required leaning in towards the speaker to be effective.

I hopped from table to table in order to socialize with various people. It was simply amazing to be among other humans.  Despite it having been a memorial for a departed friend, I couldn’t stop smiling. The energy was incredibly positive, and I loved talking, singing, and seeing people that I hadn’t seen in a long while. So, when I say that I thought that I was picking up a little vibe with Mr. Write, well…maybe it was my great mood and over-active imagination. Maybe he’s just flirty and outgoing like me…or maybe…has it been so long that I don’t remember what chemistry and flirtation feel like? Do I just flirt with everyone? Probably yes to both.

I spent time with lots of folks – old friends and new, and then made sure to reconnect with Mr. Write on the way out. His tipsy companions (two hot chicks, as I recall,) were friendly and we talked about COVID, our late friend, re-entering society, and crazy hair color. I had experimented with purple, a “mermaid blend,” pinkish-blonde, and hot pink in recent months, and shared a photo or two, which Mr. Write seemed to receive positively. There was some level of comment about how one photo was a bit “boobilicious” and he raised no objection. I made a joke about my body having all the qualities that one enjoys in boobs, just all over. It was funny, and social, and I talked way too much, but it felt good.

Before I even got home I had a couple of messages from him. Funnily, there was nearly an 8-year gap between our Facebook messages. He sent a couple of funny, nerdy, song parodies that he did during COVID. They are very geeky, but I love how secure he is in his nerdiness. There’s a confidence and comfort that is much braver than I. I admire people who don’t particularly mind being ridiculous. It’s delightful. Several messages were exchanged, some of them a little bit deep and personal in nature.

He’s a published author, and I sought his advice about writing. More good exchanges. He was very supportive when I had a little tantrum when I was unable to submit a piece that I wrote due to technical issues. I missed the deadline, then they extended the deadline because the technical issues were on their end. Yay. I got the piece turned in, but really appreciated that he had reached out with his support and advice.

One day, I bought a book that featured one of his short stories and settled into a hammock in my back yard and read. When I got to his story, I snapped a pic of my feet up in the hammock, and his title and name on my kindle.

I captioned the photo: “my current view”

His response was “Huzzah! Reading + legs, what a wonderful summer view 😊 and I like that story.”  

Yes, it does sound flirtatious, but during the month or so that we’ve been chatting, I became aware of the fact that Mr. Write is nearly 19 years younger than I am. This fact alone made me think that I must be crazy to think that we were having a mutual crush. Still, I truly valued our blooming friendship and excellent conversation. Yes, I love flirting, romance, passion, and sex, but I also love people, conversation, and connection. I welcome both.

He invited me to join him and some friends for karaoke a couple of weeks ago. I had plans with my family, so I declined. (Okay, the truth: I went to a dive bar with my family and had a huge burger and a couple of strong drinks and was unable to get up off the couch to go out!)

He’s been out of town for a week or so, and a few days ago, I received a message from Mr. Write asking if I wanted to get together when he’s back in town next week. My response was:

“Yes, Please.”

His response was:

“You are an I-want-to-spend-time-with-you person.”

Well, pardon me if I swooned just a bit. I did. My heart did a little flip-flop in my chest and my tummy felt funny. Because even if that wasn’t intended to be flirting, and even if it was only meant in a platonic, friendly way, it was meaningful to me. I appreciate this person, enjoy his company, and am grateful that he wants to spend time with me. It also at least somewhat validated the feeling I had that we were hitting it off.

So we chatted quite a bit more, and it was a little disjointed because I was high as hell and watching Space Jam: A New Legacy and talking about Porky Pig and Don Cheadle. Somewhere in there, he told me that he was in the bath, and sent a picture of his legs – perhaps a throwback to my hammock legs some weeks ago. I referenced the Cialis bathtub commercials, and he wasn’t familiar, but it led to a discussion of what his tub photo should advertise. I suggested the seven deadly sins, which was well received with more sly flirtation.

Then he said that he was going to need to go soon because he was tired and the phone was heavy in his hand. I made “goodbye” sounds and he said that he was turning on his side so as not to doze off and give himself a black eye. Having been told that he needed to wrap up, I said; “have a good rest of your evening” and he said; “oh wait, one more thing.”

My heart stopped, and those three little dots lingered for what seemed like an eternity.

At last, came the following message:

“Going to ask the question without being too awkward, are we doing a mutual online flirting thing, and is it welcome?’

“Yes. Yes. Yes. Thank you for clarifying.”

“Sounds good. I’m also really game for flirting without direction, but thought it easier to ask.”

“I’m someone that never assumes and welcomes connections of all sorts.”

“I’m someone who overwonders about overstepping”

I love that he was brave enough to ask. I love that my consent was important to him. I also know it’s all very 8th grade and pretty tame, but it gave me quite a boost. I admit that I am currently surfing on quite a NRE (new relationship energy) high. Which is silly since we haven’t even had what could be considered a “first date” – though we’re working on scheduling something for when he gets back in town. I’m just happy and enthusiastic about getting out there again, connecting with someone, and also, I’m thrilled to know that my “radar” isn’t off. Yes, we actually were vibing. Yes, it was mutual. Yes, he likes me.

Oh my god I really do sound like my 8th grade diary!

Be safe out there, friends!

–RD

03
Jul
21

Age and Uncertainty

By risquedivorcee Leave a Comment
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Let’s talk about AGE. Does it factor into your dating lives? Are you open to all, or do you have a specific age range? Why or why not? Is it a matter of attraction, or practicality? For me, I’m married, not looking for a nesting partner, or someone to breed or co-parent with…so does it matter?

My first husband was 4 years older, my second is 4 years younger. I’ve never lied about my age except to procure alcohol as a teenager. I’m 51 and I’m trying to decide if I would date someone that is 71 or someone that is 31. I think that it ultimately depends on the individual, our common interests, the conversation, the chemistry. When I was single poly it was not unusual for me to be approached by people that were 10-25 years younger. Back then, I took it all in stride and enjoyed the attention, the diversity, the flirting, the sex. Now I’m struggling to have the confidence to believe that someone who is substantially younger may actually be interested in me. I may have lost my mojo.

I recently ran into an acquaintance that I hadn’t seen in a few years. We have many friends in common, and are friends on social media. I THINK that he is poly (how do you ask?) and I REALLY, REALLY felt that we were vibing/flirting the other night. We’ve messaged a few times since – very generic, but also positive. I was looking at his Facebook profile and realized that he is quite a bit younger than I thought – nearly 19 years younger than I am. I gotta admit, I’ve not dated in a while, I’ve put on some weight, I passed 50…and my normal confidence is at war with my brain that wonders if I’m getting my signals crossed. There’s a part of me that’s like “dude, just go for it – what’s the worst that could happen?” There’s another part of me that thinks I’m just being foolish.

I talked to my spouse about this, and he said “just ask! When have you ever been shy?!?” Um, now, I guess? I’ve been chatting with this fellow and really enjoy our conversation and re-emerging friendship. I really don’t want to fuck it up by being some inappropriately creepy (older) woman that made it weird.

Also – I think that most people between 33 and 75 look “around my age” anyway. I think that along with my mojo, I’ve lost all perspective.

What really bothers me, is that I felt much more confident back when I was dating regularly. I find it destressing to think that my confidence and self-worth was based partially on positive attention that I received from other people. Then again, I’m not worried about my own feelings of self-worth here, I’m talking about how other people perceive me.

Also, I think navigating ethical non-monogamy in an organic, “real world” setting rather than on a dating app is a completely different process and a lot scarier.

03
Apr
21

The Return of “Brad Pitt”

By risquedivorcee Leave a Comment
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Is it weird to have a crush on someone that you are regularly shagging? Because I did. I had a crush on “1994 Brad Pitt from Legends of the Fall.” I have written about him a few times in the past in Friday Freak-outs, Flirtations, and Friskiness from March, 2013, Embracing the Unexpected (Firmly, With my Thighs,), I Don’t Often Get Nervous, and but…but…I wore Sexy Underwear and Shaved from the following month, and Brad Pitt Got Fat from October, 2013. His “designation” under the “old system” of naming people that I dated was “P29” – but the system was impersonal and flawed. First, it was hard to keep track of folks without a nickname. Secondly, people age. “P29” would be “P37” if I met him now. Nicknames like “Dancing Dr. Who” and “Teddy Bear Pirate” make it easier to follow. I once said that this guy showed up at my door with a leather hair tie looking like Brad Pitt from Legends of the Fall and the name stuck. He’s been “Brad Pitt” ever since – even when he’s looked more like Kevin Smith before he went vegan.

I really liked “Brad Pitt” and he was a regular hook-up for about a year or so. We had most excellent sex and, when he wasn’t aloof or in a “Pitt” of depression and despair from his PTSD, we had fantastic conversations, lots of common interests, and a remarkably similar world view.

I think I was a little bit in love with him.

I mean, just a little.

I recently responded to a question in a poly group about whether you have to be “in love” with each of your poly partners in order for it to “count” as “poly” or whether it would be considered “friends with benefits” if you weren’t. I’ve never really been a fan of labels, but basically, I feel like we have lots of different levels of friendship, affinity, attraction, common interests, etc with lots of different people. We can love them in different ways, and with different degrees of intensity. Different people meet different needs – that’s the whole point.

Anyway, it’s been a while, but I really liked Brad Pitt. I know that I was a low maintenance booty call for him, and that was really okay for me. I would occasionally see him near the beginning of my relationship with “Working Class Whimsy” and they knew about each other. But as things progressed with “Whimsy” “Brad” and I didn’t see much of each other. I assumed he was figuring his shit out, or maybe had gotten involved with someone – as I had. There was no drama or bullshit, we just sort of faded away from each other. I would occasionally think of him fondly and wish him well.

Then, after years of no contact, he popped up again a couple of months ago, on Facebook. I should be clear – we are not, nor were we ever Facebook friends. It was not that sort of relationship. (Plus, I generally don’t friend people that I date.) He and I mainly communicated by text. So, in the midst of a global pandemic, I get a message from someone using a slightly different nickname than the one that I knew him by, (both different from his real name, which I also know.)

So after about five years of no contact, he reached out and said:

                So, are you married or not?

His profile picture didn’t show his face, and the name was different. In the span of about 30 minutes, I did a complete social media creep on the dude and read about a year’s worth of posts. I soon found video and photographic evidence that it was him, but I already knew. Eventually I responded:

                Hey, it took me a few minutes to figure out who this is.

                Yes, I am.

                How are you surviving the apocalypse?

He said he wasn’t good. We briefly chatted about how fucked the world is, how much we miss singing, about TV shows, video games, movies, and how we were managing during isolation. We talked about fears, feelings, despair…we even talked about how he had legally changed his last name – due in part to his no longer wanting to have his father’s last name. After my social media perusal, I wondered if his name change also correlated to a significant change in relationship status. Did he get married too? There did seem to be a woman in some of his social posts. A chubby, older woman – hmmm, I think he has a type. I mentioned that I had planned to keep my exes last name as my middle name, but then decided that I no longer wanted or needed it. That was literally the entire extent of our “relationshippy” talk.

It’s funny that even after so much time and distance, we were able to be extremely forthright about serious, global, emotional, painful, personal stuff, while completely misfiring on general, social, small talk. It’s always been a bit like that with us – deep, intimate connection, but also weird, guarded, aloofness bordering on “ghosting” – then back again. I think it speaks a lot to his damage, and it’s just the way that we’ve always related to one another.

I’m not sure why he reached out. I like to take it as a compliment – he was thinking about me, looked me up, sent a message. But it probably wasn’t like that. I probably showed up in his “people you may know” on Facebook and he was likely curious about my name change. Still, it was really nice to hear from him and know that he’s alive. If we weren’t in COVID isolation, I may have explored the contact with a little more seriousness and interest, but we are, and it was nice to reconnect a little bit. I continue to think of him fondly, and to wish him well.

–RD

A post-script to my own post.

This could probably be an entire post unto itself, but I don’t want to do sound like I’m obsessing over this guy.

As I mentioned, I’m not Facebook friends with “BP” – never have been. But he did hit me up on Messenger when he reached out, and that’s where we have communicated most recently. When I started to write this post, I went back to our Messenger chat for reference and I noticed something new: we now have one FB friend in common. Wait, what?! That’s new. We did know people in common from the local karaoke scene, but he wasn’t friends with any of them on social media, and told me that he didn’t keep in touch.

Our mutual friend is a slight, attractive, single woman who is much closer to his age than I am. I found myself having a brief flare of…ooooh…is that jealousy? How WEIRD! I’m completely comfortable with the notion of him being married to the chubby gal in his photos, but I had the slightest spurt of “grrrrr” when I saw that these two were recent Facebook friends. Very interesting, and something that I will have to consider more. Not quite what I expected from my open-minded, polyamorous self!

Your thoughts and comments are most welcome.

22
Mar
21

Like Meets Like

By risquedivorcee Leave a Comment
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I have to admit, I haven’t been meeting too many new people during the past year or so. My household and I have taken pandemic isolation very seriously.

The new people that I have gotten to know while sheltering in place, have been almost exclusively online connections. Even colleagues from work are now “remote” and meetings take place by phone or Zoom.

Interestingly, I have reconnected with a lot of old friends and relatives that I hadn’t spoken to in quite a while. It’s been strangely easier to discuss past decades than past weeks or months. Probably because there are actual stories to draw conversation from. Talking to my current close friends sometimes sounds a lot like this:

“What are you up to?”

“Not much.”

“Yeah. I finally got the golden watering can in Animal Crossing.”

“Oh cool. We went to Costco. It was crazy. Four people without masks.”

“Seriously. That’s crazy.  I had a panic attack last time we went.”

“I know, right? I was just thrilled to get away from my children.”

 “I hear ya…”  

Talking to friends about the monotony of daily life in isolation can be tedious. There are also days when I simply feel toxic and don’t want to talk because I feel like such a downer.

Still, I have really tried to get involved with online activities. I started a Facebook group about cooking, and joined several others about art, polyamory, travel, music, and a couple of support groups. I have even been playing trivia online pretty regularly.

Through these various “virtual” activities, I have “met” several new people this year, and I started to notice an interesting pattern. Many of my new acquaintances and I have quite a bit in common. Sure, this makes sense if we’re in a cooking group together, but I was surprised to discover that two of my new online pals were openly poly.

Which begs the question – does like find like? Is there something that inherently exists among poly folk that causes us to find each other organically? I’m in a number of poly groups and the types of people (politics, social class, education level, type of poly that they practice,) seem to vary broadly. I guess we tend to be liberal, openminded, and outgoing, but that’s a generalization at best.  

One person that I discovered to be poly was an existing “electronic acquaintance” that I had been following an interacting with for a while. I don’t usually accept friend requests from people that I don’t personally know (and also decline many that I do know personally.) In the case of this guy, (let’s call him DM,) we have some friends in common, he’s smart, witty, nerdy, and has a gift for terrible puns. We’d engaged in some online banter and at some point, a couple of years ago, we became friends on social media. For some time, I had suspected that he was also poly. I’m not sure what caused me to think so, but he’s a sexy, outgoing, charming fellow who seems to have an active social life and no primary partner. I didn’t really care one way or another – he lives on the other side of the country and it’s not like I want to date him, but I had a little “ah ha” moment when DM recently put the word “poly” in his Facebook description.

I “met” a queer, poly woman a few months ago when she and I were both actively objecting to a transphobic joke that a mutual friend of ours had posted. It wasn’t a terribly ugly joke – in fact, it poked fun at a rather nasty person. Unfortunately, the “fun” punchline was that she had a dick. Not cool. If the insult is about their weight, genitals, illness, religion, ethnicity, or the like, I don’t generally find it funny. This gal (let’s call her Viv,) and I both voiced our “not cool, man” objections, and our friend pushed back a bit. Everyone doubled down, conversations were had, and our (male) friend eventually agreed.

Viv and I then messaged back and forth for about three hours and had a wonderful exchange. She showed me photos of her partners, and shared how much she missed being separated from one partner due to COVID. She was very forthright about the fact that one of her partners was a trans woman, which she mentioned as part of her argument against our friend’s joke. She was fierce.

I’m not super secretive about being poly – many of my friends know, as do some family members. I’m happy to talk about it if it comes up. However, I’m not “out” as a general rule, and live a “passing” life as part of a heteronormative couple. Honestly, other than some messaging and chatting, the past year has been monogamous for my nesting partner and me. Safety has been our top priority.

Still, I really admire people who are open and out. I think it’s important to have representation, but I worry about it impacting my work, and honestly, I just feel like it’s nobody’s business. I don’t mind sharing, (ha ha,) but I do mind having a label slapped on that causes a lot of speculation or inappropriate questions. That may change at some point, but not right now.

Much respect to people living their truth!

And much love to you all,

RD

09
Dec
14

People you may know…

By risquedivorcee Leave a Comment
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The Huffington Post‘s “Gay Voices” section recently ran an article about how Facebook is using our personal information to try to “suggest” friends that we may still be trying to forget about – those folks we hooked up with a time or two awhile back…our one-night-stands!

I saw the piece linked on Facebook with the header “has this happened to you lately?” Oh my, yes. At first, it was really startling to see the face and real name of my first black guy – and recall my first walk of shame. He was the second guy I slept with after my separation and I would never have put up with his nonsense and games if I hadn’t been so desperate to get laid properly! As it was, I didn’t put up with him for long and he did get a little “stalkerish” even after I’d told him to lose my number. I like to think that I have a bit more taste and self-respect now and would never go home with this guy because he really personified the cliche of guys who “only want one thing” but the fact of the matter is, at the time, I hadn’t had good sex in years and had only had any sex twice in the previous 18 months – once with the guy who came before he got it in & showed no interest in my satisfaction (identified as B36 in this blog entry,) and once with my ex husband. I feel like I made a decision to choose sex over self-respect in that case and I don’t really regret it. However, it was a shock to see this guy in my “people you may know” feed on Facebook. The only contact I had with him was on Plenty of Fish and by cell phone. Which data did they collect? My cell phone contacts or people I communicated with on my POF phone app? Either way? A little scary & something to think about.

Incidentally, in writing this post today, I went back and actually searched for that guy on Facebook and he doesn’t even come up. Perhaps he saw me and hit block? Fine by me.

Just the other day I had a double shock when two men that I had dated some time ago showed up in the #1 and #2 positions on my “people you may know” on Facebook. One was the married guy that I saw regularly for four months. I realize that I covered the story of how we met  in a blog entry, but I never really wrote about the rest. The fact that he was perfect in many regards – a regular fuck buddy in the early days of my dating & being on my own – not a demand on my time, but a regular pleasure in my bed. At some point, things got a bit too involved – feelings developed on both sides and intensity happened. He played a “push pull” game where he would give and demand and absorb and then act like it was “just fucking” and remind me that he was married – despite the fact that I never demanded anything from him at all. He was the one who said I was like a man when it came to sex – precisely because of my lack of wanting anything other than the sex. Basically, he was the one who was insecure and wanted more, but he would turn it around like I was the one doing so. He would write me huge emails about his feelings or text obsessively then tell me that he wasn’t attracted to me & remind me that it was “just sex.”  He would say we could never kiss…then one day kiss me as passionately as anyone ever has. He had a problem with booze and didn’t seem to like himself very much. He liked to challenge and tease me and used to see how far he could push it before I got really annoyed. One day that involved biting during sex. Playful biting became rough biting. My “no” became a challenge and he bit me hard –  on the face. The second time he bit my face, I fought him and kicked him. We had a scary moment where I realized “this is how sexual assault happens” and then we both took a breath, he got dressed and left. He told me that if he left he was never coming back. I said that was fine. It’s been about two years and he hasn’t been back. Honestly, I think it was good to rip the band-aid off when we did. While the episode between us left me shaken, it also allowed for a clean break – and I think it was time.

Five months after the night he left, “married guy” sent me an email to see how I was doing. I told him that I was seeing someone that I really liked and we exchanged a few “glad you are doing well, take care” emails. Good. Basically, it let him know that there wasn’t room for him in my life right now but that I didn’t harbor any ill will. I’m just over it. My life has moved forward.

Ironically, this guy who so often did protest too much – used to act all secretive like I was going to stalk him or tell his wife or something – has his Facebook account wide open. I almost want to send him a friend request just to shake him up a little bit. But I won’t. I’ll just smile thinking about it here.

In his case, we did use email to communicate as well as phones. However, it was a different email address than the one I use for Facebook, so I think that once again, my phone may be responsible for sharing my personal information.

The fellow who showed up second in my “people you may” list is less surprising because we have friends in common. He’s the one that I called “Dancing Doctor Who” and who was downright obsessive about cooking. He also didn’t like to have his penis sucked, climaxed in German, was my first OKCupid Meetup, lived in a Harry Potter closet and turned out to have mutual friends with. I think we wound up seeing each other three or four times in total – twice involving playing board & card games. He was part of my plan to stop seeing hot pieces of ass, embrace the nerdy and actually date people rather than just screw around. However, I think he proved to be a bit too nerdy and weird for me. He was truly living the life of a larping, gaming, cooking, dancing, fellatio-hating, communal-living 20-year-old. I know that we will encounter one another at some Convention or another – and he’ll likely be the one in Cosplay.

In writing this, I found a fourth guy in my “people you may” list – a guy that I never met, but whose POF messages had advanced to phone texts. So…four men – three different methods of introduction and the common thread? My phone. I put my number on Facebook because I reasoned that anyone who was a FB friend is someone that I was comfortable having my number and being able to contact me that way. Now I realize that Facebook is using some algorithm involving my phone contacts (and possibly text history,) to target my social interactions. There’s a part of me that thinks this is fine – despite my “no Facebook rule” about men I date, they certainly would qualify as “people I know” and might want to reach again. There’s still another part of me that is creeped out and a bit concerned about the ability to access my personal information.

 

16
Oct
14

My taco taco!

By risquedivorcee 2 Comments
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I started dating my man nearly a year and a half ago and gave him the name  “Working Class Whimsy” the first time I blogged about him. I had done enough dating and blogging at that point to realize that my old system of first initial/age was confusing and I had recently started giving the guys I date more descriptive monikers. It’s funny to look back over the past 17 months of change, growth and increased depth of our relationship and evaluate the cutesy little blog name I gave him & see if it still fits.

(For the record, I recently saw “Brad Pitt” again and man, his blog name no longer matches him!!)

I called my guy “Working Class Whimsy” because he came from a very poor, blue-collar, working-class background. Though extremely smart and witty, he’s also very “simple” in terms of his needs & expectations. While my ex spouse was always concerned with having the newest technology, car, books, music, software, games, etc and never gave a thought to his “instant gratification” spending habits, “WCW” is happy driving an old car that’s paid for, making a simple meal and hanging out in sweats. My ex seemed to always be trying to overcompensate for his humble beginnings while Whimsy seems comfortable in the old neighborhood, ya know?

The “Whimsy” part comes from the funky artist and funny, goofy, inventive romantic who belies his “quiet” and “simple” side to slay me with a creative or romantic gesture, stun me with the depth of his understanding and leave me speechless with the intensity of the words and actions that he chooses to show his love.

This man has never bought me flowers but he eats my pussy like he’s being graded on it and has done so about 300 of the past 365 days. I mean, come ON! I can buy my own flowers!

So I wanted to share with you a moment of silly sweetness displayed by my whimsical guy last night during sexy time.

The chill & rain of fall is upon us here in the Pacific Northwest. I’ve just broken down and turned on the furnace. Still, last night our room was cool when we went to bed. Our loving turned to his giving me some intense and delightful oral ministrations and despite the way that he warmed my core, I was cold and made mention of it. Immediately he sprung into action using two heavy blankets to swathe my legs, feet, breasts, shoulders & arms on either side of my body – leaving an exposed strip of bare flesh down my middle. I was laughing at the absurdity and cleverness of this – I was snuggly warm and nothing was exposed anymore except my crotch which was covered with his face and warm from the delightful friction caused by teeth, tongue, beard, mustache and fingers.

Giggling, I said that he made me a taco and then laughing, I said it was my “taco taco” because he left only my lady bits exposed and the rest was wrapped in a warm “shell” of blankets.

Well, between enjoying the “all-you-can-eat taco buffet” and silly remarks about “hot sauce” and “extra sour cream” we both rather enjoyed ourselves!

13
Oct
14

Have you ever dreamed of blogging?

By risquedivorcee 2 Comments
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I know. The title makes it sound like an ad in the back of a travel magazine! “Have you ever dreamed of living in Alaska?! There has never been a better time!”  Yeah. Not that. I dreamed about my blog for the first time.

I dreamed about my blog? “Gee, Risqué Rivorcée, you used to write about fun stuff like dating and sex and boys. Now you’re just so lame!”

Hold up, hold up! I dreamed that I was having naked-time with an ex and discovered that he had tattooed my name on his body. I was so shocked and conflicted by this that in my dream I was already imagining and organizing how I would formulate the tale into a blog post. I even had determined how I would change my name in the blog to make the story still work and protect my privacy. My plan was so real that when I woke it actually took me a few minutes to change the “writing plan” that I’d developed in my sleep. At first I was literally going to write the story like it had actually happened – not like a dream. As the haze of subconsciousness faded into consciousness, however, I realized that I always tell you guys the truth. Duh.

The dream was just so real that the plan to blog about it seemed like the truth until I fully woke.

The guy in the dream doesn’t exist. To say that he isn’t my type would be an understatement. He was young (early 20s?) very fit and extremely active. I know that women joke about fantasizing about hot, young hard-bodies but I swear that I don’t. I have actually written a number of posts about my general discomfort concerning men that are “too young” or “too hot” being interested in me. In several cases I have thought “what’s the catch?” It’s an interesting reflection on society, fat-shaming and my own insecurity that I have a general distrust of sexy young men that find me attractive. Admittedly, it’s the “young” part that I struggle with as much as the “hot” part. Generally, I tend to be attracted to men who are closer to my own age and who have a little bit of meat on their bones.

No that I haven’t had some one-time experiences with varying degrees of young, hot & skinny fellas, but for a long-term relationship I have to feel comfortable in sweats, no make-up & no bra, you know? Interestingly, the “dream guy” was an ex that I had lived with. In the dream, he had been traveling around the world having adventures (mountain climbing, hang-gliding, exploring the Outback,) and was back in town.  He had let himself in to my apartment with his key in order to shower/rest and had crawled into my bohemian hippy futon bed with me, naked. He was spooning me and exploring my body a bit when I woke (in the dream) and realized it was him and had a sort of friendly “what the hell are you doing here” exchange. He was clearly someone that I cared for and felt affection for, but who was an ex and it was long over between us. There was no sex, but there was definitely nudity. We seemed to be quite comfortable walking around naked.

Interestingly, not only was I nude in my dream, I was also fat. I mean, I am fat, but the images of myself that my subconscious provides in dreams are often either hazy or of me with a thinner body. In this dream, I was my very full-figured, saggy self with all the lumps, bumps and stretch marks. I was comfortable with it. So was the guy. We had clearly known each others bodies at some time in the past.

In his nudity, I noticed that he had added to a developing tattoo sleeve of colorful countries and continents that he had visited. The various map representations also had different bits of memories, pictures, quotes, images or city names marking his experiences. In the dream, I was shocked to see my name standing out in relief on Australia. He explained that there was a region there that was called the same as my first name and that he spent several weeks there and thought of me often which is why he had “HI VICTORIA” (that’s a place, right? Not my real name – duh,) tattooed across the region in big block letters. He said that every time he heard the name of the region he was in that he thought about me and smiled and would look up at the sky and say hi.

I told him that he was crazy to have put some woman’s name on his body. I teased that he must not have heard the rule that you aren’t ever supposed to get a tattoo of someone’s name and he said “well, I didn’t get your name in a heart or anything stupid, I put your name in here with all my other beautiful memories that I want to celebrate and remember.” In the dream, I was gobsmacked by this revelation and couldn’t wait to blog about this sweet gesture and even sweeter turn of a phrase. It was so real that I had a really hard time coming fully aware of the fact that it was a dream.

Of course, it may have felt particularly real because I really did have a sexy man wrapped around me & holding me during the dream. My guy also shared some pretty deep and heart-squishing words about me last night, so perhaps that’s where the inspiration came from!

16
Jul
14

Do you ever wonder if they are all the same people?

By risquedivorcee 1 Comment
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During the past several months I haven’t been doing much blogging. It’s funny, really. Life is generally good and I’ve been busy with work, my boyfriend, travel, games, reading, hobbies and housework. Blogging is like a live, interactive journal for me – a place to really work on my thoughts and feelings. Because I’m writing for an audience, however, I find myself needing to be a bit more disciplined than I would be in a regular diary. I feel like I need to be a bit structured and to come to some sort of conclusion or denouement in order to wrap things up nicely. Which means I don’t blog as often as I ought.

For awhile, I was following a “power blogger” who wrote several blog entries each day. Many of them were quite short or reposts of news or other items that interested him. His discipline was in posting every day and, seemingly, every thought. I tend to be more studied and I also try to keep on a theme – dating, sex and general survival after a divorce. Granted, the dating stuff was most entertaining and took the forefront, but I suppose I could share a bit more about the ex, the kids, money, insurance…the struggles…but I find that to be pretty boring, mostly. I suppose I should consider sharing a bit more of that side though.

Meanwhile, while not writing as much, I have been reading a whole lot more blogs. As I consider my current relationship, I have been considering dating again and how that might work. I’m intrigued by other poly people and swingers. How do they make it work? And do they, actually? Do they manage to find balance, contentment, love, trust, family? Is it all just temporary, fleeting moments of excitement and newness until someone else becomes the new, interesting person? Are they admirable in their ability to be self-reliant or are they sad in their constant state of flux and turnover? Are people in dedicated families (quads, triads, etc) too busy with household management and great sex to blog? I wonder.

As I was reading these numerous different stories I became intrigued by a sort of odd fantasy that perhaps they were all just sort of the same people. I know that some poly communities are quite small – even with my own very limited experience I have found that there are several people that I know of who are “mutual friends” with other friends of mine. I’ve had an incredible number of people who know other people in common. I’ve also come to know some of my current love’s past lovers socially and one gal he’s been dating lately is quite intent on meeting me. All of this supports this weird fancy that I created imagining that I was reading about the same people from different first-person perspectives.

Imagine – “Artsy Chick” goes on a trip with “The Woodsman” and is gone for a week. Meanwhile, “Suburban Poly Mom” is writing about how “Nature Boy” isn’t going to be around for awhile because he’s vacationing with “Sophisticated Sara” so she’s spending more of her time with “The Stud” who is also seeing “Hippie Chick” (aka: “Festival Freak” aka: “Tye-dye Tina” aka: “Patchouli Princess” – depending who is blogging about her!) Hippie Chick calls him “Mr. Big” and he’s also seeing “The Librarian” who is also seeing “Artsy Chick” – are you feeling me?

Maybe it’s the fact that I like to read lots of fiction and look for overlaps and common threads to solve mysteries and move a story forward, but I found that reading about ten different poly/dating blogs caused me to start fusing people into each other’s stories. Maybe “The Woodsman” is also “The Lumberjack” who hasn’t been returning texts from Portland Poly Blogger but while she can’t figure out why he didn’t respond to her impromptu dinner invite the other night, only you and I know it’s because he’s out in the woods camping with “Artsy Chick” and won’t be back until tomorrow.

Sometimes I wonder if we’re all just living in the same soap opera.

15
Jul
14

But would you really date Peter Dinklage?

By risquedivorcee Leave a Comment
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sexy peter Okay, just shut the fuck up. Of course you would really date Peter Dinklage. He’s insanely popular, rich, famous, sexy, funny and presumably quite wealthy. Of course we’re just casting aside his lovely wife and daughter, but I’m actually using him as an archetype rather than as a real person. I freely admit to getting a little ego boost from having a sexy young thing want me, but usually it’s not as comfortable as someone a bit more quirky – interesting – seasoned – weird. I had a mad crush on chubby Ricky Gervais. Fit Ricky Gervais is still a panty-dropper, but mostly because of his wit, sense of irony, causes, close association with Muppets, self-deprecating humor, charm and completely unattractive bathtub selfies!

RickyBath_02_1652145a

 

Don’t get me started on Seth Rogen (epitomizing the chubby, hot, sexy nerd,) or Eddie Izzard (deliciously sexy in any language whether wearing a dress and lipstick or a full beard!) Of course Bill Murray is in his very own class of weirdly sexy and has been rocking that shit for nearly five decades! I like people. I find individuals of all kinds to be interesting but I tend to be most attracted to people who are weird and who aren’t afraid to be different. This is true of women as well. I find Margaret Cho, Kathy Najimy & Queen Latifah to be delicious. While I love men and consider myself to be at least 73% straight, I don’t think I would kick any of those ladies out of my bed! All this imaginary star banging brings me back to my point about attraction.

When I was dating regularly I wasn’t focused on a body type and at first I wasn’t even focused on a personality type. But…attraction needs to be there. I talked to a number of men that I just wasn’t attracted to. In fact, I met some of them and probably even slept with a few as well. (I think I had a bit of a learning curve to master and a lot of rejection to overcome! Overall, it was a satisfying slut phase!)

Yesterday while I was driving, someone walking on the other side of the street caught my eye. I’m not sure why exactly, but I think it was because I thought it was a kid and it was an unusual place to see a kid walking alone. I soon realized it was a man about my age – maybe a bit younger. Late 30s, early 40s. Very attractive, well dressed and with a pleasant outward appearance – the kind of person who would normally catch my attention because of his looks and the way he carried himself – but who had caught my attention because he looked like he had been shrunk to 2/3 size. I would guess he was about 4′ 8″ tall and looked like someone who has the type of dwarfism that makes your body proportionate. If he was a dwarf at all that is. He was a bit tall for a dwarf, but my point still remains.

Would I date someone 10-12 inches shorter than I? What about someone who is Trans*?

When I last had an OK Cupid profile, I had someone rate me highly and add me to their favorites who was clearly someone who was transitioning from female to male. This challenged me. I consider myself to be a huge LGBTQ ally & outspoken advocate. But…I didn’t find this person attractive. To be fair, I didn’t meet this person or engage in any communication other than peeping each others’ dating profiles but if I’m attracted to people and can even include women in that attraction, why not a Trans* person? It might surprise you to know that it has little to do with penises. I like penises but the smallest one I ever had was connected to a really fun guy who made up for his shortcomings with fingers, mouth and enthusiasm. Trans* men get to pick their own size anyway, right?

I think that my lack of interest came from the fact that this person was clearly still transitioning and at the time, I felt like I was too. Not in terms of gender, but in terms of self-discovery. I was in a bit of a selfish phase and not willing to take on major challenges with a romantic interest. But I like checking my bias too. I’d never had a Trans* friend until a few years ago when suddenly I had two friends reveal that they were transitioning. One of them, a local friend, shared a lot of his community and friends with me and I learned a lot. I also went to several Trans* events, had my first FtM crush and met several very sexy men who used to be women.

So yeah, if I were dating again, I think I might consider the Trans* man, the short guy, the guy with a lisp & certainly a fat guy. Are they funny? Willing to be an idiot? Are they into me?

Seriously though – attraction plays a huge part. I have had men get livid with me for “misrepresenting myself” when I said “no thank you.” Just because I say I’m open to dating you doesn’t make me obligated to sleep with you or date you after we have talked or met. Similarly, if you are someone of a different race, culture, ability, height, etc – you may very well still be an asshole. This was a bit of a struggle for me for awhile. I want to support this gay friend but oh, hey – they’re a dick. I’m not a bigot because I don’t want to take their bullshit. In fact, I’m less of a bigot for treating them the same way I would anyone else.

This is a weird blog entry. So I guess that suits.

 

14
Jul
14

Hometown letdown

By risquedivorcee 1 Comment
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A brief summary to catch you up: I am primary in a poly relationship that teeters on the brink of being monogamous. My guy has an active dating profile. I do not. We came to our relationship as poly people and it got serious and we really like spending time together so we do. I am fine being an ethical slut and have no objection to a poly lifestyle other than it can be time-consuming hard work and also I hate drama and bullshit. If there’s drama I’ll just pass, thanks. My fella and I have an active, frequent & satisfying sex life. Right now he dates and I don’t. But mostly he just talks to others. I’m certain that he hasn’t had sex with anyone else in the past seven months.

Every time I write about this I feel like I’m making excuses or justification. I guess it just feels a little weird and pseudo-patriarchal because he dates and I don’t. That’s not how it is.

He likes the variety, the conversation, the discovery, interest & admiration. I like intimacy, sex, sense of family, security & trustworthiness. I don’t like the games & bullshit so I don’t put myself out there to seek out new men & new adventures. However, I’ve been thinking about it. Also, I’m not opposed to it happening organically if it does. I like flirting and wouldn’t mind letting it go further if the opportunity was there. But realistically, unless the circumstances are really specific or unusual, there aren’t that many opportunities to say “oh hey, just so you know, my live-in boyfriend and I are poly and see other people so if you were interested in maybe going out sometime…”

Which brings me to a situation where I ALMOST had that exact discussion. Almost. We didn’t get that far.

There’s a guy that I dated back in high school. We’re Facebook friends. We keep in touch. He knows about this blog, my dating and we’ve shared a lot of naughty discussion over the years despite never having hooked up beyond heavy make-out sessions in the late 80s. He lives 2000 miles away or it might have happened by now, but he has a brother who lives about 35 miles from me who graduated with one of my siblings. Over the years, we had both commented on so many mutual Facebook posts that we finally became Facebook friends despite not having been friends previously. He’s attractive and while not local, he’s not far away either.

A few weeks ago during some generally Facebook chatter I said we should get together sometime this summer – it’s a shame that we don’t socialize since we live so close. He simply said he would love to. Okay, cool. I’m glad to socialize with someone from my hometown. Someone who is a friend of my brother. Someone who is the brother of a friend of mine. Yes. It would be fun to get together. Though I notice he used a lot of winky smiley faces. And I find him very attractive. And he’s a little flirty. And…should I ask him if he wants to get together with my man & I or just me? I mean, would that be presumptuous? Because honestly, I’m good either way. If we just hang out in a friendly way that’s cool. If we hang out and discover a deeper interest, that’s cool too.

We had a few brief texts about getting together, “I’ll check my schedule” type messages here & there, then I sent him a message saying that I would be attending a festival in his town over the weekend and he quickly & enthusiastically responded “sounds like I may be going down as well! :)” I then explained that I would be helping out at my guy’s sister’s booth and said I would help for a few hours during the high-traffic time of the afternoon but that I would be free to grab a drink and hang out. He gave me a “LOL – very generous! ;)” then dropped all contact.

I should be clear – my Facebook clearly states that I am in a relationship and I regularly post check-ins and photos of myself and my guy. So I hadn’t been misleading in case you think that saying “my guy’s sister” threw him for a loop. Nope. I figured we would meet someplace neutral and convenient, chat, have a drink and see if there was maybe potential for more and if so…I would explain my situation casually and without pressure. Given the new information he could then run with it by saying “oh wow – then we should DEFINITELY get together again!” Or say something like “oh man, I don’t know how you do that. I never could” or he could suggest that we should all go out sometime. Whatever. Something, right?

I sent him a text message on Wednesday to make sure he had my number. No response. I sent a FB message. No response. I sent a text the morning of the festival saying that the weather was nicer than expected & encouraging him to come down. No response. Later I sent a text asking if he was watching soccer & saying that I was enjoying a match and my first adult beverage of the day. I said he should come down & I would buy him a beer. Finally, I sent one last message on FB – just in case his phone number had changed since January when we last exchanged text. Meanwhile, he was posting & commenting on Facebook. Just…not responding at all to my messages.

I find this annoying. Hometown guy or not, romantic potential or not, if you’re going to blow me off could you maybe just communicate? How about “oh hey – wound up watching World Cup with some friends so today won’t work after all.” You can even leave off any “but let’s try again soon” if you don’t actually want to get together. I can handle it. But don’t act super friendly, enthusiastic & excited then just stop responding. It’s super weird. And quite unfriendly.

I’m debating whether I want to make the effort to say “hey, what happened?”

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