Posts Tagged ‘FWB

24
Oct
13

‘Brad Pitt’ got fat

I caught you up on the return of Pirate Bear, so it’s only fair to catch you up on the “return” of “Brad Pitt” after I ran into him Tuesday night. Saying that we “dated” would be an overstatement, but we had fun hanging out for awhile and I really liked him, so it was good to see him alive – even if I failed to recognize him at first. He’s packed on about 20 pounds since I last saw him in May, the golden highlights he’d picked up in Afghanistan are gone from his hair – now several inches longer – which puts it well past his shoulders, and instead of a tidy goatee, he’s now wearing a full beard.

When we met in February, he caught my eye because he was my type – cute, scruffy and casually sexy. That first day, he was wearing jeans & a hockey jersey and though we flirted a bit, I figured he was too young and pretty for me. When he gave me his number and expressed clear interest with his subsequent texts, I responded positively and we started a brief affair.

The “Young Brad Pitt” nickname came from conversation with my girlfriends. He was 29 when we hooked up and other than the fact that he has brown eyes, the first time he showed up at my door he looked like a 1994 version of Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall. By the time I last saw him five months ago, he was looking like the scruffier Brad at the end of the movie – which is still pretty yummy. At that time, we were discussing the notion of moving our “relationship” from “occasional FWB/fuck buddy” to “dating” but he was really inconsistent. Sometimes we would text all night. When we were together he was attentive, complimentary, sweet and thoughtful. When we were apart, he sometimes would just drop out of the middle of a conversation and disappear. We had planned our first public outing with friends – a real date – and he essentially stood me up. He later told me that he’d been experiencing really bad panic attacks and PTSD as well as depression. I appreciated what seemed like honesty, but it didn’t change the fact that soon after he went full hermit and disappeared for nearly five months – until a few weeks ago.

The text progression on my phone shows my last text from him on May 11th, followed by a 2am text on October 9th asking how I’ve been and asking if I was at his neighborhood bar. I assumed that this was merely a closing time booty call query and was somewhat bemused. I considered not responding at all, but eventually did the following afternoon, saying that I’d been sleeping like a baby at 2am and that my formerly regular Tuesday hang-out had become pretty busy on those nights and I don’t go as often. He didn’t respond.

Interestingly, I had received a report from a girlfriend that he had been there a few weeks prior on a Tuesday night when I was off at a different place with my boyfriend. At the time I wondered if “Brad Pitt” had been looking for me. I also joked with her: “Did he get fat?! Tell me he got fat!” Well, he did. To the extent that this week, when I was out on the patio at said bar, talking to my same friend and she stopped, stared behind me and said “I thought that was D” I said “no, that’s T’s friend, B.” The person walking in the door looked familiar, but I didn’t recognize him as the guy that I’d been fucking for three months this past spring.

He was decked out like the Kevin Smith character, Silent Bob – complete with trench coat, beard, long hair and backwards Mooby hat from Dogma. I heard a couple of guys shout “hey, Silent Bob! What’s up!” A few minutes later, my friend had gone home and he walked out onto the patio, greeted some people, looked straight at me and said “hey, how you doing?” Even then, I still thought he was the other guy…for a minute. That’s how different he looked! I even went back into the bar for a second drink without speaking further to him – but as I passed and heard his voice I felt like an idiot! I came back out a few minutes later and sought him out – I mean, I didn’t want it to seem like I was pretending to ignore him or playing games. He said “hey, you never texted me back the other day!” I said that I had, then showed him my phone with the text. He then apologized, saying that his phone had been acting weird and texts were really slow – he said he hadn’t sent the text at 2am, but that he had sent a bunch of texts to his “karaoke buddies” earlier in the evening to see if anyone was going out.

We chatted for quite awhile and he acknowledged that his PTSD and panic attacks had been really bad and he was trying to force himself to go out. Several times he mentioned trying to be healthier, wanting to lose 30 pounds and how he’d been riding his bike and working out. Okay, duly noted. We talked about his 30th birthday last month, how that really sucked for him and we casually chatted about movies, music and such neutral topics. When he asked what I’ve been up to I talked about work, my summer and the fact that I’m seeing someone pretty seriously – but that it’s a poly relationship. We briefly talked about that and it was interesting to gauge his reaction. Part of me wanted to know if he would still be interested in seeing me if I was seeing someone else. The fact that he made some noises about getting together again and that we exchanged some more texts yesterday seems to indicate a strong…maybe…

The rest of the maybe is with me. I’m so over the moon with my current guy that I’m struggling with the notion of being poly at all. I haven’t been dating for awhile and I took my OKCupid profile down – at least for now. I haven’t really been sexually aroused by another man since Whimsy & I got serious. I did make out with a new guy but then I called it off before it went further. It hadn’t felt hot or sexy – it felt awkward.

“Silent Brad” could be a different matter. I like him, we’re very compatible in bed, he has his own place and he’s not looking for a relationship. I know he can curl my toes and I’m attracted to him – because let’s face it, Kevin Smith is pretty hot too, right?

There’s a big part of me that just wants to be monogamous with Whimsy to see if we could be successful at that. I think we could be, but there’s another part of me that rebels at the thought of being one of his “harem” and waiting to see if he’s willing to take a risk with me. We’re really good where we are, but it feels somewhat weird that he is seeing other people while I am not. I’m not sure that this inequity is reason enough for me to date, but it’s something that feels out of alignment.

Meanwhile, my options are open as long as my relationship is.

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06
Sep
13

The Return of Pirate Bear

I covered the “Little Pirate Bear” in the blog entry “Getting Dumped by Someone I Wasn’t even Attracted to in the First Place” back in June. (https://risquedivorcee.com/2013/06/18/getting-dumped-by-someone-i-wasnt-even-attracted-to-in-the-first-place/) Essentially, this is a guy that I started getting pretty interested in and spent two sex-drenched weekends with in May before he started dating someone who was not okay with him seeing other people. He dropped me like a hot potato at the beginning of June.

Well, sometime in August he resurfaced. He had the good sense to start communication with an apology. That’s always a good idea when someone has treated you somewhat shabbily, which he admitted that he had. The thing is, I understand being smitten with someone and making concessions for them or wanting to concentrate on that relationship. I feel myself doing a bit of that myself these days.

However, Pirate Bear’s gal, from what he’s since explained, was pretty demanding and controlling and wouldn’t even “allow” him to break things off with me in person, as he had wanted to. Of course, he allowed himself to be bossed around by someone he’d known for a week, so he’s equally culpable. Regardless, they essentially moved in with each other and she seems to have proven herself to be cuckoo for cocoa puffs and he proved himself to be spineless and easily swayed by the opinions of others. Swell.

So where does the Risqué Divorcée come into play? Pretty much when shit hits the fan and the man decides he needs a rebound, I guess. I’d love to be able to say that he finally wised up and realized what he’d given up – and that may even be slightly true – but I think the man simply needs a woman to boss him around. My dad was like that. Completely adrift after my mom died – no clue what to do with himself without her guidance. I shared this with little bear when I finally agreed to meet him for a drink.

I have to admit that I was surprised when I answered the door upon his arrival. He really looked good. It had been a couple of months since I’d seen him and he appeared to have lost about 20# and was rocking some scruffy facial hair that really worked for him. Overall, he looked much more like someone that I would find physically attractive – which I hadn’t initially.

Our “date” was a lot of catching up and often felt like a therapy session. I basically told him that I forgave him (he apologized profusely and often,) and that he needed to stop beating himself up. I also said he needed to do some things for HIMSELF and not just for whomever he was dating. I told him to get a spine and to rely on himself, his interests, his kids for happiness rather than seeking it in others. I told him he needed to get his shit together before we even tried to see each other romantically – and that he had time to do that because he would be in the “penalty box” for awhile anyway! Oh, also he cried on my patio. For real. Tears. Yeah, the guy was kind of a mess & more than I was willing to take on. I don’t need anymore “projects” – I’m already working on myself!

I did agree to meet him a second time and we went to the movies and sort of held hands a bit, but no smoochies. He came back to my place and helped me fold laundry – which is weird, but was a companionable activity while we chatted. He teased me about actually putting stuff away and followed me into my bedroom with a pile of clothes. I thought: “aw, man…don’t make a pass…” and he sort of did, but it was awkward enough to deflect. Also, horrifyingly hilarious!

So, following some frank conversation about tough topics including sex and being friendly with ex-lovers (and with an armload of my folded clothes,) he said “so, you know, speaking of that, after we ah, spent those weekends together, I realized it had been awhile and I was having some trouble so I decided to go to the VA and get checked out. They did all the testing and such – full blood work panel and everything – all the bells and whistles…and ah, anyway…as it turns out…what?”

Apparently the look on my face defined “aghast” because he stopped dead in the middle of his story to ask what was wrong. Calmly, I said “and what did you find out?” He then said that he found out that some medication he was taking for blood pressure had caused his erectile dysfunction and that he switched meds so “everything’s working great now!” Woo-hoo! I then expelled the breath that I had been holding and he finally clued in to the fact that his awkward rambling about blood tests and such had made me worried that he was going to deliver some horrible news about an STD. Jesus.

I’d finally got him to quit apologizing and here he went again! I did have the grace to laugh about it in short order and I think it’s funny now anyway!

We met again for a movie last week and it was very “friend zone” – part of that is the fact that I don’t trust that he won’t do the exact same thing again if he finds someone better suited. Part of it is the fact that I am seeing someone else that I am really crazy about and I’m finding it difficult to get enthusiastic about other men right now. I have decided that I am going to do some more dating, but that’s a subject for another blog!

30
May
13

Blame it on my ego…and my vagina…

I’ve been remiss. I’ve been avoiding you. I’ve had some shit to work out.

Yes, I’ve also been busy generating new blog material and have taken two new lovers since my last post.

But this time it’s different. Perhaps it sounds the same, but I assure you, it’s not.

In the week before Mother’s Day I had two different men sort of…blow me off. In both cases we had plans that were canceled and communicated poorly. Mother’s Day is always a bit sad for me anyway and the combination of two cancellations plus the holiday put me into a bit of a funk. The men in question are also my two youngest lovers – Brad Pitt (P29) and Soup Can Man (R30) – and I felt like that was perhaps part of the equation that allowed for my time to be so casually disregarded. Both of these guys were men that I met “organically” – that is, in my daily life, not through an online dating site. I think that also contributed to the casual “fuck buddy” attitude that had been fun, but was getting old. Particularly since both guys had asked me out socially as well but then bailed or not followed through. Our 3am activities were exciting and most excellent, but I was feeling a little empty and unfulfilled on the social front. My twitter pal, @Dirty_Bizness said it well recently “Fucking is great but I want some intimacy!” Spot on.

Furthermore, I felt like my ego & my vagina were sabotaging my ability to see what my heart and mind wanted. No, really. Initially, all this wacky dating stuff stemmed from my desire to get laid. Yes, I needed to get out there & meet new people, but mostly I just needed to see what was out there for me and find out what dating was like for the first time in 25 years. So not only was I aching to get boned, but I had no idea if anyone would want me or what kind of people were out there for my choosing. Heck, I didn’t even know that I would have a choice! So when the offers started coming in I accepted them – nearly all of them. I felt that it was only right to give everyone a fair shot. Oh I’ve had fun. Don’t get me wrong! I needed to have that experience. It was exactly what I needed when I needed it. But somewhere in there my fear, insecurity, ego or just the regular dose of very excellent sex distracted me from moving toward what I really want and from being a little more selective. I mean, having a gorgeous 29-year-old telling you how he wants to eat your pussy & ass? Total turn-on, total ego boost and I let it go to my head. I allowed him to let me be a casual booty call because I felt great when we were together and I didn’t want anything serious either, but I let myself be treated like an option and not tended like a person.

I was learning the difference between “fuck buddy” and “friend with benefits” and I was missing the friendship.

Then there were a few guys who were more like friends…and the sex was meh. Okay. I liked the companionship. I found myself saying “I like the nerdy and the dirty – I just wish they came in the same package!” I still wasn’t looking for only one person to meet that requirement, but I would have really enjoyed three or four guys who liked to talk, game, laugh, be social and fuck like demons. My theory was that I would just hold on to the growlfuckers (even if I wouldn’t ever consider having them meet my friends) and then keep the ones that I liked to talk to and hang out with around too. They could get invited to game night with my friends. Nothing wrong with friends, right? And sex sometimes improved with guidance and comfort with each other.

Recently, my perspective has changed again. On the advice of a friend, I made an OkCupid account & I really like it there even though I’m not as inundated as I am on other dating sites.  I got rid of Zoosk and Plenty of Fish. I started looking specifically for poly-friendly people. People that are fine if I say “no, Friday doesn’t work, I have a date and will probably sleep over there. How about Sunday?” People who have the emotional bandwidth to understand that they don’t want just one person, but they want love, intimacy and friendship with their lovers. Poly folk also tend to be good communicators and often have higher than average sex drives and/or are a little more kinky. I’m not into BDSM, swap parties & such, but I do like some stuff that’s beyond the old in-out. I like lovers who are enthusiastic and, well, passionate about sex. I’ve been finding them.

My recent epiphany was basically that I had been learning what I could have and now I have decided to be more selective and only accepting what I really want. I don’t have to accept every invitation. I can be kind, honest & polite, but I don’t have to say yes to someone when I know it’s a bad match. Guess what? I can get laid anytime. I want some fucking intimacy. Guess what else? I’m happy, healthy, self-aware, comfortable & confident enough to have it now. I’m ready. Guess what else? I’ve been finding those nerdy/dirty/funny/smart combo guys lately. I’m seeing three of them right now. 

So it seems the same, but there’s a change that’s happened for me and it makes me feel great. I’ll do a better job of keeping you up to date. I know I should have talked/written through it, but I wasn’t ready.

Nine days to my birthday in Vegas! Coming up next? I’ll tell you about my last trip to Vegas! 🙂

07
May
13

Regular rotation?

So, assume you’re a man that I’ve had very excellent casual sex with (with sleepovers,) three or four times. I’m interested in maybe upgrading slightly from booty call every month or two. How would you feel if I said “hey, I really enjoy the time we spend together & would love to add you to my regular rotation.”

That’s pretty non-threatening, right? Basically, I dig fucking you & would like to do it on a more consistent basis but don’t want to be your girlfriend or anything.

Though I do like this one as a person too & don’t mind the idea of being social together either.

I would live your thoughts on this one!

08
Apr
13

“you act like a man when it comes to sex”

I have been keeping a very weird schedule and even though I should be trying to sleep right now, I thought I would spend some time trying to address some of the “future blog topics” that I posted earlier. I’ve chosen one that will take us out of the loose chronological order that I have been attempting, but it should be a somewhat short one. Tomorrow I will try to write about the man that made the statement that is my subject heading. We were involved for six months and he was my first ever “fuck buddy” – our relationship was about 90% sexual and it was really very excellent sex.

During the time that I was involved with this man, we were both dealing with the newness of having a lover that was just that – a lover and nothing more. Oh sure, we would text and email, but most of our conversations were usually sexual in nature or concerned coordinating when we would next get together. This was a first for both of us. We did “go out” twice during our involvement – both times early in the relationship. Mostly we just fucked – whenever we could manage it.

During this time, we established “rules” to avoid the intimacy of a relationship. No kissing (until we broke that one,) no talking on the phone (until we broke that one,) and no exclusivity. We both were involved with other people while we were seeing each other. He, particularly, demanded this and then seemed astonished at my willingness to accept such terms. He was further stunned to learn that I had other lovers – even though I was very clear that we were not “going steady.”

He seemed fascinated, aroused and also jealous and somewhat possessive at times. On several occasions he said that I was simply too good to be true. I didn’t make demands on his time or attention. I didn’t expect gifts, baubles, trinkets, dinners, dates…I just wanted to fuck. And did we ever.

We talked about having a “just sex” relationship but it’s as if he expected me to say “just kidding” and become needy and demanding at any second. Finally, one day, he looked at me and, shaking his head, with a bemused grin he said “I’ve never known a woman like you before. You act like a man when it comes to sex and relationships.”

I had to think about that one for a second.

I mean, yeah. I totally understand what he means. I like to have sex often. I didn’t need to attach love, emotions, definitions, titles and meaning to every stroke, gesture, thrust and orgasm. I buy my own condoms. I masturbate. I’m sex-positive. And I never imposed on other aspects of his life or was jealous of the time he spent doing other things. We were essentially free agents who got together a few times a month and had really incredible sex.

On the other hand, I am a woman. I do attach emotion to sex. But that’s okay too. I can have feelings for more than one person at a time. I think this was most perplexing for him. My ability to have love, affection, attraction and screaming orgasms with more than one person at the same time seemed comfortable for him as a man, but weird for me as a woman. So much so that it became a bit of a struggle for us.

Without going too far down the road where the relationship is concerned (that’s another blog entry and I promise it’s coming soon,) I found him to be more needy than I was in the relationship. I felt that I was giving him exactly what he wanted but not what he expected, so it threw him off a bit.

Bottom line – do I behave “like a man” when it comes to sex and relationships?

Well, yes. Many men freely involve themselves sexually with several women at the same time. They think nothing of going out, getting laid and having it be just sex without attaching some deeper meaning involving love, commitment, romance or God help us, being soulmates. Many men have been able to master more casual involvement – whether it’s with occasional fucks, one-night stands, friends with benefits or just casual dating.

Women, however, are often seeking commitment, monogamy, love and a serious relationship. Women that date and sleep with lots of men are often considered to be sluts or somehow lower class. I know that this isn’t always the case, but it seems to often be true.

I am a woman who loves sex. I love men. I love spending time with all kinds of men. I enjoy flirting, talking, touching, teasing, fucking. I am responsible for my own sexual health and I keep clean sheets on the bed.

Why does that make me “like a man” then? Why can’t this just make me an empowered, sex-positive, modern, single woman?

I would love to hear your thoughts.

02
Apr
13

country music, nascar & uh, what?

I know I’ve been showing my snarky side a lot. It’s certainly a part of me that I feel comfortable letting loose a little bit here. Not only is this blog akin to a diary or private journal to me, but I find snark to be a bit more entertaining for my “readership” so to speak. Okay, I know I only have like 20 followers, but who knows? Maybe one day I’ll get a book deal out of this bitch! 🙂 Humor & being a bit over-the-top has always been a means of surviving and fighting through challenges and hurt in my life. BUT – BUT – BUT – I’m actually a really nice person. I have long held the belief that when it comes to dating and people in general that everyone deserves a chance beyond first impressions. I know that people have off days, but I also recognize intrinsic value in people. Maybe you’re a janitor, overweight, scarred, damaged, have a lisp or even an illness or disability – this shouldn’t define you as a person. People have lots of experiences and circumstances that bring them to different places in their life and I may not want to walk a mile in their shoes, but I’ll usually give them a shot and see what they’re about. I believe in being kind – at least until I have reason to tell you to fuck off.

This has been a bit difficult to manage in the online dating world. A lifetime of focusing on the needs & wants of other people has trained me to let go of things pretty quickly – even if they bother me. I also have a hard time saying no. I’m learning to do it, but very, very early in my online dating experience I wasn’t great at it. I mean, online dating is an interesting thing – you read someone’s profile, you have mutual interests and attraction, you message, you decide to meet and you have hope about what might happen next. There’s a big build up with lots of expectation. So once you meet and you don’t hit it off…how do you say that? It’s a tough one. 

Here’s a real story about how I wimped out on saying no and wasn’t as honest as I should probably have been. It’s one of those situations where I ignored all the little things that I wasn’t so thrilled about and continued an interaction with someone just because he was reasonably nice and articulate. Eventually all the little things that I was willing to be flexible and open-minded about piled up to be an overwhelming load of “oh God, no.”

So, J36 was one of the first people from POF that I gave my phone number to. It was still early days for me with the online dating scene. I was still looking for a booty call and getting a sense of who and what was out there that was interested in me. I hadn’t quite mastered saying no, being firm & direct and, perhaps most importantly, ignoring people that I really wasn’t interested in. I really was trying to give everyone a fair shot. This guy was complimentary, articulate, could spell and carry a messaging dialogue. He wasn’t my physical type – a little too scrawny & angular, a bit rough around the edges. Proximity-wise he was a bit further than I wanted. Oh, yeah…and he loved country music and NASCAR. Ick. But c’mon, I love football and opera. I don’t expect us to be exactly alike. I wouldn’t blow someone off because they liked hip-hop and hockey, would I? (Golf, maybe – not hockey.) I was trying not to be elitist and make generalizations involving Wal-mart and cousin fucking.

After we had messaged for awhile, we finally exchanged numbers. Right away he asked me to send him some pictures for his phone avi of me. Okay, I did that. He said I was beautiful. I’m willing to overlook the fact that he’s a seasonal landscaper who’s not actually working in August. Riiiight? The little negatives are piling up and yet…he’s nice. And we’ve been talking for awhile now…and have been discussing getting together for a drink…

After the picture exchange, however, I received a long text from J36 giving me a list of other caveats. He “just wanted to be honest” and let me know that he is currently living in his mom’s basement, that he smokes – but only Marlboros and that he doesn’t have any teeth. He understands if this is a problem for me. He just wanted to be honest.

Now, here’s the thing. Part of me was laughing because I know that this will one day be a fantastic story to tell. However, there was a big part of me that felt really guilty – like if I rejected him now – for living in his mom’s basement and having no teeth (or job, or money to meet me for a drink, or taste in music,) then I was an asshole. Looking back, I realize that I was sort of manipulated. He could have been a lot more honest in his dating profile to begin with. I felt like I had been leading him on when in fact, to some extent, the opposite was true.

This is something that I would probably address more directly now, but back then – 7 months ago – I felt like I owed him courtesy and respect and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So I did something sort of crazy. I wrote him a message telling him all about what was wrong with me that made us a bad match. I may have been a little bit tipsy. I may have gone slightly over the top.

Basically, I thanked him for his honesty and said that I was honored by it and also compelled to be honest myself. I hate NASCAR. Not only do I hate NASCAR, I am personally offended by it because of its devastating environmental effects, the misogyny, the waste. It’s also not a sport. I feel very strongly about the environment, politics, gay marriage, Obama. I almost made my POF handle “Obama2012” but thought it might get dated. (Ignore the pun.) I am so liberal that I am really a Socialist. I mean, for God’s sake, I drive a Prius. And country music sounds like cats fucking – cats that are related. 

I took it way over the top. I wanted him to run screaming. His response? “I just wanted FWB.”

Then he persisted in asking if we could be friends with benefits.

No, dude. We have nothing in common – starting with the fact that you live in your mom’s basement and have no teeth.

He persisted for months. I mostly ignored him, but it felt really rude. The mistake I made was being kind and responding one day when he asked if we could get together. I politely declined and he called me a tease saying that I had led him on those 4 months prior. Screw that. I had given him a shot – he had been misleading and led me on. I really, really didn’t owe him anything just because we had had a few conversations. I still had the right to say no, thank you!

I was honestly glad that he called me a tease because it gave me full leave to blow him off guilt-free. I basically said “yep, that’s exactly it. You’re right. You win. Fuck off.”

He messaged me again about 10 days ago asking why I wouldn’t talk to him.

Jeez. It doesn’t pay to be nice. Be honest. Be bold. Be selective. Be mean if they don’t take no for an answer.

I’m still working on it.

 

17
Mar
13

telling a guy to fuck off…before 8 am!

Arg. I think this might be my third cranky-ish blog entry in a row, but I know that some of you love me for my snark & bitchiness, right? Right? Say it! Say my name!

Last night I cooked up a bunch of corned beef and all the fixings and brought it over to my friends’ house. After we feasted, seven of us went out to a local Irish pub and started our St. Patrick’s Day revelry. Great band, great friends, excellent beers – a night of friends rather than men. In fact, one of my male friends asked if I didn’t have a date offer on a Friday night and I said no, I did – I just wanted to hang out with my pals! A most excellent, raucous time was had by all & we left around 12:30, grabbed some drive-in burgers & shakes & went back to my friends’ house & crashed pretty hard.

Side note, C43 finally “showed up” again yesterday via text and we actually had a playful, fun bantering, flirty text exchange from about 7pm, throughout the evening until around 1:30am. A rare treat for me. I love his brain and wish he wasn’t so confusing & weird, but he is.

The end of the night found me comfortably ensconced in my friends’ lovely guest room. They provided every comfort for my drunk ass! Then at 7:41am on a SATURDAY I received a text that woke me from my blissful slumber. I had a feeling that I knew who it was, but I couldn’t find my phone and nearly tore the bed apart – anxious to KILL the offender. Finally, I found it and yes, it was exactly who I thought – THOR! Asshole!

Now, I was going to write about this guy later and ask if it is possible to date someone who goes by a very stupid moniker. Who the hell calls themselves THOR, after all? He’s a POF contact – 33, tattooed & pierced, bigger guy, my type and seemed quite interested in me – and wanted to meet right away. He’s the one I call “T33” and I tried to meet last weekend but he was “busy” when it came down to it. Meanwhile, he would text me “hey mama” “hey sexy” all week and twice sent me dick pictures. Okay, so the guy has a cock like a can of Pringles. This is potentially worth putting up with some annoying habits, but he was starting to grate on my nerves. Call me old fashioned, but I guess I’d like to meet a guy before seeing his junk. Though again, nice junk. But I was getting a vibe from him that he mostly just wanted to exchange pictures and that’s all. Not my thing.

Back to the dumb name. I was trying to figure out how to reference it in the blog. I mean, seriously? How can I talk to him without sniggering? How could I refer to him to my friends with a straight face and how could I blog about his goofy name without using it? I considered calling him ZEUS or HULK or something in the blog, but now that he’s been an asshole and I’ve cut him loose, I feel fine using his “real” fake name. I mean, I’m sure it’s not the name that his mama gave him. And speaking of his mama, I’m NOT HER and him calling me “mama” was getting on my nerves as well. A fact that I had no problem sharing with him, but that he seemed to have a problem understanding. Not a big listener, this guy. Must be all his brains are in that big cock.

THOR (yes, it must be in all caps,) was also very slow to understand that our schedules are very different. We essentially work opposite hours. After an early morning text during the week I asked him not to message me before 9am. His response was to tell me how fucked up my schedule is. He’d been mildly to moderately irritating and was simmering way on the back burner because of his presumptions (that we would meet and fuck) and his inability to listen (friends before FWB, for instance.) So, 7:41am on Saturday comes a text from him saying “hey mommy” MOTHER. FUCKER. (Or not, in my case!) I finally found my phone so that I could send my livid reply:

What the fuck, man? 7:41 on a Saturday morning with that mommy shit?

Sorry, up and horny

Yeah? Fuck off! I asked you not to text me before 9. I asked you not to do the mommy shit. I think you’re not big on listening or respecting. And you woke my ass up!

Ha ha whatever bye

Yeah, whatever. BYE! What is it with guys who think that just because they are up and horny that you should be as well? This is a guy that I would have met and if we had hit it off, we could have had some nice, regular, no-strings sex. I was pretty clear about that too. But you blow it by being a pushy, immature asshole? Well, at least I found out before I wasted any condoms on him. Sheesh. Someone that self-involved and clueless is likely to be shit in the sack anyway. Not that I couldn’t get myself off on that big meat stick…but this is part of my evolution in dating: fucking vs. FWB. I have come to the amazing discovery that I can get laid pretty much whenever I want to. The thing is? I would also like to have some men that I can talk to, hang out with, see a movie, game or concert with and possibly, hang out with my friends on occasion without feeling ashamed to bring some fuck stick around. This is much more in keeping with the direction that I have taken in the dating world recently. The problem seems to be that the ones that are best in bed are not the most attractive to me as people and vice-versa. This is not always the case, but it’s sadly true quite frequently. Which is why I keep looking!




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Quickies with the Risqué Divorcée!

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  • RT @joss: To everyone who keeps saying "Go back to making jokes/films/etc", WHAT DO YOU THINK WE WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING 1 year ago
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