Posts Tagged ‘masturbation


Toxic (sex) Toys?

Toxic (sex) Toys?

I loved this article and it very much pertains to me! Most sex toys are labeled as “novelties” and therefore don’t require regulation. If you are putting it on or in your body, do a little research! I also love that they “slipped in” the word “buzzword” when referencing vibrators in this article!! 🙂


dick pics – I don’t get it!

Exhibitionists have been around since long before the cell phone and webcam. Even before trench-coats became the accepted symbol of a dirty guy who wanted to show you his winkie, men liked to…show you!

I mean, boners are kind of nifty, right? Just imagine if you could go into the $1 section at Target and buy a neat little toy the size of an egg-full of silly putty. After you play with that squishy little blob for awhile, it suddenly increases in size & girth until it grows to resemble a decent-size flashlight, a Monster energy drink or, if you’re lucky – a can of Pringles!  Wow! Cool toy!  Then it will even squirt stuff! Woot! Everyone would love it! Continuing the metaphor, soon everyone would have this nifty doo-dad and, as happens,  the novelty would wear off. You’d still love to play with it, but everyone’s seen it – nobody is impressed when you say “hey! Check this out! Look what I can do!”

This is pretty much how I feel about dick pics. I mean, we’ve all seen the trick already, guys! I’m not saying that you are not all uniquely special, skilled & talented, but that’s not what a photo of your meat stick shows me. You aren’t showing me your wit, kindness, humor, intelligence, stamina, social consciousness, skills at cunnilingus…you’re showing me your cock. It may truly be inspirational, but it’s really not that different from the hundreds that I have seen before. (That’s counting porn too – I’m not that big of a slut!)

Women aren’t nearly as visually stimulated as men either. But men don’t seem to care. I think that they are actually visually stimulated by themselves and their nifty “boy toy” and they love to show it off! My filthy Twitter pal, @The_Marcness recently tweeted: “Beating off to a video of you rubbing one out is like some sort of weird, perverted inception” – speaking on behalf of many men who, in my experience, like to watch themselves.

Technology has made it possible and even easy for us to share photos with each other effortlessly. Exhibitionists and voyeurs alike have found a socially acceptable outlet for watching and showing their naughty bits.  Still, there remain those “raincoat flashers” out there who just seem to get off on the thrill of the shock. It is as if they enjoy seeing what kind of reaction they can generate by sending out unsolicited dick pics and videos.

I don’t understand this. Particularly in some of the cases that I have personally experienced. We message each other through a dating site, get to know each other a little bit as human beings. Maybe we flirt or are suggestive with one another, okay. We get comfortable enough to exchange phone numbers and plan to meet up. You don’t know me yet, but if we meet and there’s chemistry, odds are that I will have sex with you. Real sex. With tongues, mouths, hands, fingers, boobs…an actual vagina. So why sour your chances by prematurely whipping out the peen?

To be clear: I’m not talking about when texting turns dirty and turns to sexting. I’m not talking about when we’re seeing each other and you send me a “thinking of you” photo. That’s different. I’m talking about the guy that wakes me up at 7am with a picture of him stroking it. Or who sends a MMS message to me and 10 others on Easter Sunday when I’m at dinner with my family.

Yeah, that guy – again! Or rather, still. This guy that I haven’t met has awakened me three times during my vacation this week by sending me nude pics of himself. This is the guy that texted at 6:21am and when I asked for no texts before 9am or after 12am got offended and said I should find someone else. Okay, fine, bye. But wait – he keeps sending me nude pics and video! All but one have been before 9am, of course – including a cock pic that woke me today. So far I have simply ignored him. I find this usually works best. Though I was sorely tempted to text back “oh, wow – it must be cold there” when his hand-held wiener pic arrived on my phone this morning. However, I have learned not to feed the trolls.

I know, I should start shutting my ringer off, but a lifetime of being the responsible friend/mom/aunt that you can call 24/7 if you need me makes me hesitant to do that. Plus I always forget to turn it off or turn it back on. Plus – would the alarm on my phone still work? Points to ponder if I don’t want to be pondering penis points in the wee-wee hours of the morning! Meanwhile, I will learn how to block numbers on my cell, but that only works if they continue to contact you from the same number. Some of these guys are crafty. I have had at least four men disable their POF accounts and then message me anew from a different account.

I haven’t even covered the men who seem to prefer having an online spank-buddy to video chat with rather than meet in person. I guess virtual sex is the safest sex possible, but I don’t understand that either!

And I think “just your tits…” has replaced the lie that used to be “just the tip!”

Okay, I’m tweeting that!


april fools & year-round fools

Boy I do love a creative quip, a bad pun, a well-crafted joke – wit and humor are extremely attractive qualities. They demonstrate intelligence, the willingness to laugh at yourself, not taking things too seriously and also confidence and comfort. I find smart, funny men to be sexiest of all – especially if they have a beard, pony tail and big cock. Oh man, did I start to sound shallow there at the end? Sorry.

Because I like humor and recognize the absurdity, discomfort & potential stress level of first approaches and first meetings, I don’t mind a slightly corny pick-up line. I would prefer someone engage in actual conversation, but goofy and creative approaches will often get a smile and my attention. (But then I’m a lot nicer in person than I am on this blog. 😉 )

So, in honor of April Fool’s Day and all the many fools out there, I am presenting some of the worst pick-up lines that I have received in the past months. Many of these are copied & pasted. No kidding!

  • Hi, I’m a computer. Can I crash at your place?
  • A great thing that happened to me today: I ran into you here.
  • You must have lasers in your eyes because you’ve stunned me.
  • I would really like to eat my cum out of your pussy.
  • Do you want to see a good looking person? Then look in the mirror!
  • I lost my number. Can I have yours?
  • Wouldn’t you and I look cute together on top of a wedding cake?
  • If I could change the alphabet I would put U and I together!
  • I like you, and i want you. Now we can either do this the easy way, or the hard way. The choice is yours…. lol.
  • What’s your story?
  • Why is a good looking person like you still single?
  • Why aren’t you in jail? It’s illegal to look that good.
  • What’s one great book you’ve recently read?
  • Great curves love a big butt and enormous boobs. Mmmmm…
  • We have similiar interests that may make us matchable..Can I get a name?
  • Do you have long toes?

Those are all 100% legitimate and received by me. I left out the worst ones – the guys that just send their phone number with the expectation that you’re going to jump right into the sexting and dick pics.

Speaking of dick pics – I had been messaging for a couple of weeks on POF with a guy who claimed to be “shy” and was looking for new friends in my area. His story was that he was moving to the Pacific Northwest from Southern California because his ex had moved his children up here. He will be moving in the next few months – wants to meet people, make friends, get to know the area. Okay, we had pleasant enough chats, agreed to meet for a drink when he gets to town, etc. Then one night, out of the blue, he messages me his number and asks “are you a good flirt?” Hmmm…I wasn’t quite sure what that meant – maybe code for dirty messaging, but we’d established some rapport, I was willing to see what he had in mind. After a busy weekend, I got a message from him saying “text me, brat!” Okay, kinda cute, right? I say I don’t want to start a text conversation at 1:15am that I am just heading to bed. He says it’s the perfect time for him but “ok, gn dollface.”

The next night, I sent him a text around 12:40 am and said “okay, how about starting a text exchange at 1am tonight?” No response. Eeep. Probably too late. But he texts me back at 6:20am and says “how about now?” He woke me up after 3 hours sleep and I was cranky! I said no, I was going to sleep longer & please don’t text before 9am or after 12am unless by mutual consent. He responded: “what are you? A gremlin?” I said “yes!” and explained that I had gone to bed late. He said “sorry I bothered you” so I wanted to make it clear that I wanted to talk to him, just not at 6am. I said “No, I’m sorry that I didn’t explain that boundary…another time!” He says “I don’t think so. Find someone else. Toodles.” Um, what? I pissed you off? This is someone who approached me and persisted in messaging me and who had been really personable. Okay, whatever. Oh well.

Last night, after Easter dinner with my ex and kids – while still with my ex at his house, I got a text from the “California Shy Guy.” Oh, wait – I and 11 others got a group MMS message from him. With a 10-second video of him stroking his meat. Not so shy, huh? But what is this? Group sext? Does he not realize that he just sent us all each others phone numbers and gave us the ability to reply all? Thankfully, nobody replied and the thread seems to have died but what the HECK? You present yourself as a shy guy who is moving in order to stand up for his kids and then…you message a dirty dozen your whack-a-mole video?

Weird, weird, weird. I’m sorry that I deleted so many of my “fools” and goofy messages. I’ll try to think of some others to share. Meanwhile, be careful – someone switched the salt & sugar!



Online dating? Ugh.

Having decided that it was time to start dating, I had no idea how to proceed. I enlisted the helpful advice of a divorced friend who is my age and asked her about it. She suggested that I try online dating. I explained that I really didn’t want to register for some deal that was going to cost a substantial subscription fee and try to help me find my “soulmate”. I wasn’t ready for a “relationship” – I needed to get out there for the first time in 25 years and, if lucky, get boned. If really lucky, get boned well. The friend directed me to Plenty of Fish which is free. She warned that you essentially get what you pay for and need to be careful of the creeps and married guys. She also said something that turned out to be very prophetic: “now you’re going to have all the young guys after you.” I absolutely did not believe her. I may have even scoffed.

Eventually, one slow Sunday night, I decided to create a profile on Plenty of Fish (hereafter POF,) it was on a whim with very little expectation of getting very many “fish” nibbling on my line. I chose very realistic photos of myself to go with the profile that created. Some with no makeup or with glasses, body shots that showed my real curves and lumps – I figured show the REAL you – not some airbrushed version that you will have trouble living up to.

I said that I was looking for “flirting, friendship, fun…” as a nod to decorum I decided to leave off the other “f word” I was looking for.

I described myself as a “big bawdy gal that has recently come out of a very long-term relationship” and said I was looking to date, meet people and make new friends. I briefly described my work and life in breezy terms and sent my little electronic representative out into cyberspace. I hadn’t managed to log out before I had three chat requests. Overall, I had 27 messages or chats that first day and 10 more people who viewed my profile and said that they “want to meet” me. I was absolutely overwhelmed. I was reveling in the attention and flirtation, but struggling to manage so many contacts at once. I was the “new girl at school” and everyone wanted to talk to me!

As I sat reading all the profiles, looking at all the pictures, soaking up all the compliments and come-ons, I accepted a chat request from a man whose profile photo was very attractive and who claimed to live about 15 minutes away from me. The polite inquiries soon gave way to compliments about how beautiful and sexy I was and how much he loved my curves. Okay, yay. While I worked on setting up a time for us to meet for coffee, he deflected somewhat – talking about how he could meet for a few hours the next day between meetings at work. I realized that he expected to just come over and have sex. Um, hey, ah…no. I explained that I needed to meet him someplace public and that I wouldn’t be comfortable inviting him to my home without having met him. He got sort of pushy – saying that he could just show up at my door and that he would bring some nice wine. He said that I wouldn’t be disappointed in what I saw at my door, and that if I was, I could send him away and keep the wine. (Maybe I should have taken him up on that one!)

Meanwhile, we managed to coordinate a coffee meet and he was tantalizing me with tales of what he would like to do with and to me. It was both hot and…um…creepy? I was aroused, but alarm bells were going off because the guy was so pushy and was not listening to anything that I was saying. He was asking questions but not hearing the answers. I was talking about meeting for coffee to see if we hit it off and he’s thinking that I want to check him out and then fuck him immediately. As the conversation progressed (or digressed perhaps,) I became increasingly aware of the fact that I wasn’t even a part of it. This guy didn’t care about getting to know me and even if we had met and had sex it would basically be him masturbating because it wouldn’t even matter if I was there or not. I didn’t seem to be part of the equation.

I like to think that in the months since I have learned to listen to that little voice that tells you when to hang up, when to run, when to trust your instincts. But that night I let it go too far. I mean, I wasn’t stupid. I didn’t invite him over or give him my address, but I ignored my gut and listened to my twat and let him talk dirty to me. I was completely turned on when he said that he’d like to lift up my skirt and rub his erection over my ass. I love the imagery. (I guess I used him a bit too, huh?) I let him go ahead and provide me with some fantasy fodder. It had been a LONG time! Then his talk turned from plundering my pussy to slamming me up against the wall. I’m thinking “mmmm…yeah…hey…OW!” Then he starts talking about how I wouldn’t be able to move because he would hold my neck and pull my hair. He described how I would fight him but he would overpower me and…



I skipped the coffee date and didn’t go back to the POF site for three days. I had to have a serious chat with myself about how to exercise good judgment, caution and safety. I needed to come up with a policy and safety rules for my online dating!


Quickies with the Risqué Divorcée!