Posts Tagged ‘online dating

03
Jul
21

Age and Uncertainty

By risquedivorcee Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Let’s talk about AGE. Does it factor into your dating lives? Are you open to all, or do you have a specific age range? Why or why not? Is it a matter of attraction, or practicality? For me, I’m married, not looking for a nesting partner, or someone to breed or co-parent with…so does it matter?

My first husband was 4 years older, my second is 4 years younger. I’ve never lied about my age except to procure alcohol as a teenager. I’m 51 and I’m trying to decide if I would date someone that is 71 or someone that is 31. I think that it ultimately depends on the individual, our common interests, the conversation, the chemistry. When I was single poly it was not unusual for me to be approached by people that were 10-25 years younger. Back then, I took it all in stride and enjoyed the attention, the diversity, the flirting, the sex. Now I’m struggling to have the confidence to believe that someone who is substantially younger may actually be interested in me. I may have lost my mojo.

I recently ran into an acquaintance that I hadn’t seen in a few years. We have many friends in common, and are friends on social media. I THINK that he is poly (how do you ask?) and I REALLY, REALLY felt that we were vibing/flirting the other night. We’ve messaged a few times since – very generic, but also positive. I was looking at his Facebook profile and realized that he is quite a bit younger than I thought – nearly 19 years younger than I am. I gotta admit, I’ve not dated in a while, I’ve put on some weight, I passed 50…and my normal confidence is at war with my brain that wonders if I’m getting my signals crossed. There’s a part of me that’s like “dude, just go for it – what’s the worst that could happen?” There’s another part of me that thinks I’m just being foolish.

I talked to my spouse about this, and he said “just ask! When have you ever been shy?!?” Um, now, I guess? I’ve been chatting with this fellow and really enjoy our conversation and re-emerging friendship. I really don’t want to fuck it up by being some inappropriately creepy (older) woman that made it weird.

Also – I think that most people between 33 and 75 look “around my age” anyway. I think that along with my mojo, I’ve lost all perspective.

What really bothers me, is that I felt much more confident back when I was dating regularly. I find it destressing to think that my confidence and self-worth was based partially on positive attention that I received from other people. Then again, I’m not worried about my own feelings of self-worth here, I’m talking about how other people perceive me.

Also, I think navigating ethical non-monogamy in an organic, “real world” setting rather than on a dating app is a completely different process and a lot scarier.

09
Dec
14

People you may know…

By risquedivorcee Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Huffington Post‘s “Gay Voices” section recently ran an article about how Facebook is using our personal information to try to “suggest” friends that we may still be trying to forget about – those folks we hooked up with a time or two awhile back…our one-night-stands!

I saw the piece linked on Facebook with the header “has this happened to you lately?” Oh my, yes. At first, it was really startling to see the face and real name of my first black guy – and recall my first walk of shame. He was the second guy I slept with after my separation and I would never have put up with his nonsense and games if I hadn’t been so desperate to get laid properly! As it was, I didn’t put up with him for long and he did get a little “stalkerish” even after I’d told him to lose my number. I like to think that I have a bit more taste and self-respect now and would never go home with this guy because he really personified the cliche of guys who “only want one thing” but the fact of the matter is, at the time, I hadn’t had good sex in years and had only had any sex twice in the previous 18 months – once with the guy who came before he got it in & showed no interest in my satisfaction (identified as B36 in this blog entry,) and once with my ex husband. I feel like I made a decision to choose sex over self-respect in that case and I don’t really regret it. However, it was a shock to see this guy in my “people you may know” feed on Facebook. The only contact I had with him was on Plenty of Fish and by cell phone. Which data did they collect? My cell phone contacts or people I communicated with on my POF phone app? Either way? A little scary & something to think about.

Incidentally, in writing this post today, I went back and actually searched for that guy on Facebook and he doesn’t even come up. Perhaps he saw me and hit block? Fine by me.

Just the other day I had a double shock when two men that I had dated some time ago showed up in the #1 and #2 positions on my “people you may know” on Facebook. One was the married guy that I saw regularly for four months. I realize that I covered the story of how we met  in a blog entry, but I never really wrote about the rest. The fact that he was perfect in many regards – a regular fuck buddy in the early days of my dating & being on my own – not a demand on my time, but a regular pleasure in my bed. At some point, things got a bit too involved – feelings developed on both sides and intensity happened. He played a “push pull” game where he would give and demand and absorb and then act like it was “just fucking” and remind me that he was married – despite the fact that I never demanded anything from him at all. He was the one who said I was like a man when it came to sex – precisely because of my lack of wanting anything other than the sex. Basically, he was the one who was insecure and wanted more, but he would turn it around like I was the one doing so. He would write me huge emails about his feelings or text obsessively then tell me that he wasn’t attracted to me & remind me that it was “just sex.”  He would say we could never kiss…then one day kiss me as passionately as anyone ever has. He had a problem with booze and didn’t seem to like himself very much. He liked to challenge and tease me and used to see how far he could push it before I got really annoyed. One day that involved biting during sex. Playful biting became rough biting. My “no” became a challenge and he bit me hard –  on the face. The second time he bit my face, I fought him and kicked him. We had a scary moment where I realized “this is how sexual assault happens” and then we both took a breath, he got dressed and left. He told me that if he left he was never coming back. I said that was fine. It’s been about two years and he hasn’t been back. Honestly, I think it was good to rip the band-aid off when we did. While the episode between us left me shaken, it also allowed for a clean break – and I think it was time.

Five months after the night he left, “married guy” sent me an email to see how I was doing. I told him that I was seeing someone that I really liked and we exchanged a few “glad you are doing well, take care” emails. Good. Basically, it let him know that there wasn’t room for him in my life right now but that I didn’t harbor any ill will. I’m just over it. My life has moved forward.

Ironically, this guy who so often did protest too much – used to act all secretive like I was going to stalk him or tell his wife or something – has his Facebook account wide open. I almost want to send him a friend request just to shake him up a little bit. But I won’t. I’ll just smile thinking about it here.

In his case, we did use email to communicate as well as phones. However, it was a different email address than the one I use for Facebook, so I think that once again, my phone may be responsible for sharing my personal information.

The fellow who showed up second in my “people you may” list is less surprising because we have friends in common. He’s the one that I called “Dancing Doctor Who” and who was downright obsessive about cooking. He also didn’t like to have his penis sucked, climaxed in German, was my first OKCupid Meetup, lived in a Harry Potter closet and turned out to have mutual friends with. I think we wound up seeing each other three or four times in total – twice involving playing board & card games. He was part of my plan to stop seeing hot pieces of ass, embrace the nerdy and actually date people rather than just screw around. However, I think he proved to be a bit too nerdy and weird for me. He was truly living the life of a larping, gaming, cooking, dancing, fellatio-hating, communal-living 20-year-old. I know that we will encounter one another at some Convention or another – and he’ll likely be the one in Cosplay.

In writing this, I found a fourth guy in my “people you may” list – a guy that I never met, but whose POF messages had advanced to phone texts. So…four men – three different methods of introduction and the common thread? My phone. I put my number on Facebook because I reasoned that anyone who was a FB friend is someone that I was comfortable having my number and being able to contact me that way. Now I realize that Facebook is using some algorithm involving my phone contacts (and possibly text history,) to target my social interactions. There’s a part of me that thinks this is fine – despite my “no Facebook rule” about men I date, they certainly would qualify as “people I know” and might want to reach again. There’s still another part of me that is creeped out and a bit concerned about the ability to access my personal information.

 

16
Oct
14

My taco taco!

By risquedivorcee 2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

I started dating my man nearly a year and a half ago and gave him the name  “Working Class Whimsy” the first time I blogged about him. I had done enough dating and blogging at that point to realize that my old system of first initial/age was confusing and I had recently started giving the guys I date more descriptive monikers. It’s funny to look back over the past 17 months of change, growth and increased depth of our relationship and evaluate the cutesy little blog name I gave him & see if it still fits.

(For the record, I recently saw “Brad Pitt” again and man, his blog name no longer matches him!!)

I called my guy “Working Class Whimsy” because he came from a very poor, blue-collar, working-class background. Though extremely smart and witty, he’s also very “simple” in terms of his needs & expectations. While my ex spouse was always concerned with having the newest technology, car, books, music, software, games, etc and never gave a thought to his “instant gratification” spending habits, “WCW” is happy driving an old car that’s paid for, making a simple meal and hanging out in sweats. My ex seemed to always be trying to overcompensate for his humble beginnings while Whimsy seems comfortable in the old neighborhood, ya know?

The “Whimsy” part comes from the funky artist and funny, goofy, inventive romantic who belies his “quiet” and “simple” side to slay me with a creative or romantic gesture, stun me with the depth of his understanding and leave me speechless with the intensity of the words and actions that he chooses to show his love.

This man has never bought me flowers but he eats my pussy like he’s being graded on it and has done so about 300 of the past 365 days. I mean, come ON! I can buy my own flowers!

So I wanted to share with you a moment of silly sweetness displayed by my whimsical guy last night during sexy time.

The chill & rain of fall is upon us here in the Pacific Northwest. I’ve just broken down and turned on the furnace. Still, last night our room was cool when we went to bed. Our loving turned to his giving me some intense and delightful oral ministrations and despite the way that he warmed my core, I was cold and made mention of it. Immediately he sprung into action using two heavy blankets to swathe my legs, feet, breasts, shoulders & arms on either side of my body – leaving an exposed strip of bare flesh down my middle. I was laughing at the absurdity and cleverness of this – I was snuggly warm and nothing was exposed anymore except my crotch which was covered with his face and warm from the delightful friction caused by teeth, tongue, beard, mustache and fingers.

Giggling, I said that he made me a taco and then laughing, I said it was my “taco taco” because he left only my lady bits exposed and the rest was wrapped in a warm “shell” of blankets.

Well, between enjoying the “all-you-can-eat taco buffet” and silly remarks about “hot sauce” and “extra sour cream” we both rather enjoyed ourselves!

24
Oct
13

‘Brad Pitt’ got fat

By risquedivorcee 2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I caught you up on the return of Pirate Bear, so it’s only fair to catch you up on the “return” of “Brad Pitt” after I ran into him Tuesday night. Saying that we “dated” would be an overstatement, but we had fun hanging out for awhile and I really liked him, so it was good to see him alive – even if I failed to recognize him at first. He’s packed on about 20 pounds since I last saw him in May, the golden highlights he’d picked up in Afghanistan are gone from his hair – now several inches longer – which puts it well past his shoulders, and instead of a tidy goatee, he’s now wearing a full beard.

When we met in February, he caught my eye because he was my type – cute, scruffy and casually sexy. That first day, he was wearing jeans & a hockey jersey and though we flirted a bit, I figured he was too young and pretty for me. When he gave me his number and expressed clear interest with his subsequent texts, I responded positively and we started a brief affair.

The “Young Brad Pitt” nickname came from conversation with my girlfriends. He was 29 when we hooked up and other than the fact that he has brown eyes, the first time he showed up at my door he looked like a 1994 version of Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall. By the time I last saw him five months ago, he was looking like the scruffier Brad at the end of the movie – which is still pretty yummy. At that time, we were discussing the notion of moving our “relationship” from “occasional FWB/fuck buddy” to “dating” but he was really inconsistent. Sometimes we would text all night. When we were together he was attentive, complimentary, sweet and thoughtful. When we were apart, he sometimes would just drop out of the middle of a conversation and disappear. We had planned our first public outing with friends – a real date – and he essentially stood me up. He later told me that he’d been experiencing really bad panic attacks and PTSD as well as depression. I appreciated what seemed like honesty, but it didn’t change the fact that soon after he went full hermit and disappeared for nearly five months – until a few weeks ago.

The text progression on my phone shows my last text from him on May 11th, followed by a 2am text on October 9th asking how I’ve been and asking if I was at his neighborhood bar. I assumed that this was merely a closing time booty call query and was somewhat bemused. I considered not responding at all, but eventually did the following afternoon, saying that I’d been sleeping like a baby at 2am and that my formerly regular Tuesday hang-out had become pretty busy on those nights and I don’t go as often. He didn’t respond.

Interestingly, I had received a report from a girlfriend that he had been there a few weeks prior on a Tuesday night when I was off at a different place with my boyfriend. At the time I wondered if “Brad Pitt” had been looking for me. I also joked with her: “Did he get fat?! Tell me he got fat!” Well, he did. To the extent that this week, when I was out on the patio at said bar, talking to my same friend and she stopped, stared behind me and said “I thought that was D” I said “no, that’s T’s friend, B.” The person walking in the door looked familiar, but I didn’t recognize him as the guy that I’d been fucking for three months this past spring.

He was decked out like the Kevin Smith character, Silent Bob – complete with trench coat, beard, long hair and backwards Mooby hat from Dogma. I heard a couple of guys shout “hey, Silent Bob! What’s up!” A few minutes later, my friend had gone home and he walked out onto the patio, greeted some people, looked straight at me and said “hey, how you doing?” Even then, I still thought he was the other guy…for a minute. That’s how different he looked! I even went back into the bar for a second drink without speaking further to him – but as I passed and heard his voice I felt like an idiot! I came back out a few minutes later and sought him out – I mean, I didn’t want it to seem like I was pretending to ignore him or playing games. He said “hey, you never texted me back the other day!” I said that I had, then showed him my phone with the text. He then apologized, saying that his phone had been acting weird and texts were really slow – he said he hadn’t sent the text at 2am, but that he had sent a bunch of texts to his “karaoke buddies” earlier in the evening to see if anyone was going out.

We chatted for quite awhile and he acknowledged that his PTSD and panic attacks had been really bad and he was trying to force himself to go out. Several times he mentioned trying to be healthier, wanting to lose 30 pounds and how he’d been riding his bike and working out. Okay, duly noted. We talked about his 30th birthday last month, how that really sucked for him and we casually chatted about movies, music and such neutral topics. When he asked what I’ve been up to I talked about work, my summer and the fact that I’m seeing someone pretty seriously – but that it’s a poly relationship. We briefly talked about that and it was interesting to gauge his reaction. Part of me wanted to know if he would still be interested in seeing me if I was seeing someone else. The fact that he made some noises about getting together again and that we exchanged some more texts yesterday seems to indicate a strong…maybe…

The rest of the maybe is with me. I’m so over the moon with my current guy that I’m struggling with the notion of being poly at all. I haven’t been dating for awhile and I took my OKCupid profile down – at least for now. I haven’t really been sexually aroused by another man since Whimsy & I got serious. I did make out with a new guy but then I called it off before it went further. It hadn’t felt hot or sexy – it felt awkward.

“Silent Brad” could be a different matter. I like him, we’re very compatible in bed, he has his own place and he’s not looking for a relationship. I know he can curl my toes and I’m attracted to him – because let’s face it, Kevin Smith is pretty hot too, right?

There’s a big part of me that just wants to be monogamous with Whimsy to see if we could be successful at that. I think we could be, but there’s another part of me that rebels at the thought of being one of his “harem” and waiting to see if he’s willing to take a risk with me. We’re really good where we are, but it feels somewhat weird that he is seeing other people while I am not. I’m not sure that this inequity is reason enough for me to date, but it’s something that feels out of alignment.

Meanwhile, my options are open as long as my relationship is.

13
Sep
13

dating others while in a committed relationship

By risquedivorcee 4 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

I guess this one could fall into the “thinking vs. over-thinking” category in my “future topics” list. I’ve sure been thinking about it a lot!

I have a boyfriend that I love like crazy. He makes me laugh, he’s generally kind and thoughtful, the sex is frequent & phenomenal, he expresses himself well, he’s sexy as hell, smart, cute & suitable to take out in public – that is, my friends really like him too. He’s a good man. He’s even met my kids and they like him too.

This weekend he moved a bunch of his stuff into my place, where he’s effectively been staying for the past three weeks. (Hey, when a man moves his computer gaming rig into your house it’s serious, right?) I want him here. I love having him here. I thought it would be difficult to bring someone into my space – my sanctuary – but it hasn’t been. He really fits here. He fits in my life.

But…

Well, is it a “but” even? This is the part I’m having a hard time with. He’s poly. He has two other girlfriends. This really isn’t a problem for me and I rather enjoy having “me time” when he is away spending time with them. Not being together 24/7 seems healthy.

But…do I want to date other people? I hadn’t for awhile while I was flying on the new relationship energy with my guy, Whimsy. The thing is? I have felt that new, crazy zing easing, but what I’ve discovered in its place is a really solid, deep and abiding love. I can imagine being monogamous with this man & I can absolutely imagine him being in my life forever.

But…

I don’t want to be just prong on his poly pitchfork while he dives into any haystack that catches his fancy. An equitable relationship would allow for both of us to date. We both absolutely agree this to be true, I’m just sort of struggling with how to advance that and whether I want to. Yes, there’s a part of me that just wants to close up our relationship and just enjoy that gooey squishiness that goes with being a newly committed couple. We’re really enjoying our sweet domesticity right now, but there’s a sort of oddness to advancing our relationship to living together without even being “Facebook official” as a couple, you know?

Interestingly, the other night, in bed, after some rather intense physical and emotional intimacy, my fella, while stroking my back, said “I love you very much. You make me believe that a monogamous, non-poly relationship could be possible.” (Squee!!!) Well, Jesus…are you in my head again? I see the possibility too. I just don’t know how we would transition to it or whether we even should. Don’t get me wrong, my heart flipped all over in my chest when he said it, I just don’t know if it’s something we can or even want to do. I think that I’m at the point that if he asked I would be willing to try and see how it goes.

But…

We can’t overlook the other women in his life. His loyalty to them has always been attractive to me. I don’t exactly see him throwing them over anytime soon. This must happen in poly as with monogamous relationships though, right? Two people find each other and want to give it a go and other people get hurt? I just haven’t been a party to that sort of action since I was 15. Rejected? Yes. The woman that someone’s lover dumped them for? Never.

We both also have active profiles on OkCupid and I know that both of us have had recent interactions with new people there. Could we pull off monogamy? I’ve had a few former suitors sniffing around lately as well as one very enthusiastic new fellow. But I’m having some trouble getting too excited about them, really. The “older” guys have all managed to take a comfy place in the “friend zone” – all by their choice or actions, may I add. C43 – “The Librarian” had sex with me one time in November, 2012 and put me in the FZ soon after. We’ve been date-like companions on & off since then. He sent me a text on Tuesday suggesting that we should get together. Hmmm. M41 is the little Pirate Bear and we’ve talked about him recently. He’s kind of a mess but we’ve spent some recent time together and he’s taken to emailing me a couple of times a week. P29 is “Brad Pitt 1994” and he broke our date then went dark soon afterwards in late May. He apparently showed up at my regular Tuesday night hang-out this week. Interestingly, I wasn’t there because I went with my E38 Whimsy to an event he had, but I got a text from a friend letting me know that he’d showed up alone and stayed for awhile. Granted, this isn’t the same as calling me up and asking me out, but I suspect that he went there expecting to see me. Hmmm. R33 is the new guy – haven’t met him & he doesn’t yet have a nickname. He’s really interested and seems pretty nice and interesting.

But…

But. What do I want to do? Well, I guess the answer is not to over-think it, but to enjoy it. If Whimsy & I decide to change the parameters of our relationship, we will. Meanwhile, what’s between us is fantastic and I enjoy it immensely. If I decide that I want to see other people, I will. Some of these “friend zone” guys might even be decent candidates because it could be casual, comfortable and friendly without relationship pressures. I already have a relationship & it’s pretty great. We’re figuring it out and having a hell of a lot of fun in the process.

 

06
Sep
13

The Return of Pirate Bear

By risquedivorcee Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

I covered the “Little Pirate Bear” in the blog entry “Getting Dumped by Someone I Wasn’t even Attracted to in the First Place” back in June. (https://risquedivorcee.com/2013/06/18/getting-dumped-by-someone-i-wasnt-even-attracted-to-in-the-first-place/) Essentially, this is a guy that I started getting pretty interested in and spent two sex-drenched weekends with in May before he started dating someone who was not okay with him seeing other people. He dropped me like a hot potato at the beginning of June.

Well, sometime in August he resurfaced. He had the good sense to start communication with an apology. That’s always a good idea when someone has treated you somewhat shabbily, which he admitted that he had. The thing is, I understand being smitten with someone and making concessions for them or wanting to concentrate on that relationship. I feel myself doing a bit of that myself these days.

However, Pirate Bear’s gal, from what he’s since explained, was pretty demanding and controlling and wouldn’t even “allow” him to break things off with me in person, as he had wanted to. Of course, he allowed himself to be bossed around by someone he’d known for a week, so he’s equally culpable. Regardless, they essentially moved in with each other and she seems to have proven herself to be cuckoo for cocoa puffs and he proved himself to be spineless and easily swayed by the opinions of others. Swell.

So where does the Risqué Divorcée come into play? Pretty much when shit hits the fan and the man decides he needs a rebound, I guess. I’d love to be able to say that he finally wised up and realized what he’d given up – and that may even be slightly true – but I think the man simply needs a woman to boss him around. My dad was like that. Completely adrift after my mom died – no clue what to do with himself without her guidance. I shared this with little bear when I finally agreed to meet him for a drink.

I have to admit that I was surprised when I answered the door upon his arrival. He really looked good. It had been a couple of months since I’d seen him and he appeared to have lost about 20# and was rocking some scruffy facial hair that really worked for him. Overall, he looked much more like someone that I would find physically attractive – which I hadn’t initially.

Our “date” was a lot of catching up and often felt like a therapy session. I basically told him that I forgave him (he apologized profusely and often,) and that he needed to stop beating himself up. I also said he needed to do some things for HIMSELF and not just for whomever he was dating. I told him to get a spine and to rely on himself, his interests, his kids for happiness rather than seeking it in others. I told him he needed to get his shit together before we even tried to see each other romantically – and that he had time to do that because he would be in the “penalty box” for awhile anyway! Oh, also he cried on my patio. For real. Tears. Yeah, the guy was kind of a mess & more than I was willing to take on. I don’t need anymore “projects” – I’m already working on myself!

I did agree to meet him a second time and we went to the movies and sort of held hands a bit, but no smoochies. He came back to my place and helped me fold laundry – which is weird, but was a companionable activity while we chatted. He teased me about actually putting stuff away and followed me into my bedroom with a pile of clothes. I thought: “aw, man…don’t make a pass…” and he sort of did, but it was awkward enough to deflect. Also, horrifyingly hilarious!

So, following some frank conversation about tough topics including sex and being friendly with ex-lovers (and with an armload of my folded clothes,) he said “so, you know, speaking of that, after we ah, spent those weekends together, I realized it had been awhile and I was having some trouble so I decided to go to the VA and get checked out. They did all the testing and such – full blood work panel and everything – all the bells and whistles…and ah, anyway…as it turns out…what?”

Apparently the look on my face defined “aghast” because he stopped dead in the middle of his story to ask what was wrong. Calmly, I said “and what did you find out?” He then said that he found out that some medication he was taking for blood pressure had caused his erectile dysfunction and that he switched meds so “everything’s working great now!” Woo-hoo! I then expelled the breath that I had been holding and he finally clued in to the fact that his awkward rambling about blood tests and such had made me worried that he was going to deliver some horrible news about an STD. Jesus.

I’d finally got him to quit apologizing and here he went again! I did have the grace to laugh about it in short order and I think it’s funny now anyway!

We met again for a movie last week and it was very “friend zone” – part of that is the fact that I don’t trust that he won’t do the exact same thing again if he finds someone better suited. Part of it is the fact that I am seeing someone else that I am really crazy about and I’m finding it difficult to get enthusiastic about other men right now. I have decided that I am going to do some more dating, but that’s a subject for another blog!

29
Aug
13

Upcoming topics

By risquedivorcee Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

Yes! There will be some! My schedule changes next week and I have quite a few blogs backlogged in my head right now. Here’s what’s coming up:

  • “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger” – the ex drops a bomb that would have wiped me out not too long ago. I discover I don’t give a shit anymore.
  • “What Are You Afraid Of?” – a very good question, posed by my boyfriend. Worthy of consideration and thoughtful contemplation.
  • “Butt Stuff” – we haven’t talked about sex in awhile, have we? Let’s.
  • “Purging Drama” – part of separating, divorcing & building a new life is letting go of the drama, co-dependency and unhealthy associations that drain you. This includes “friends” who demand too much.
  • “Overthinking vs. Thinking” – something I struggle with.
  • “Bring Your A Game” – does being in a poly relationship pressure you to be your best self all the time because you are always sort of “competing” for time & attention? Should it? Is this a bad thing?
  • “The Return of Little Pirate Bear” – he’s back. Sorta. Not sure if he’s staying.
  • “Crossing the Streams” – the pros & cons of knowing your lover’s other loves.
16
Aug
13

First world “problems” – am I looking for trouble?

By risquedivorcee Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Let me start by saying that I am very happy right now. I am absolutely loving the relationship that I have going on with E38 “Working-class Whimsy”. Really. There’s so much good stuff going on – both in and out of the bedroom and I’ve got a shit-eating grin on my face all the time. Happy.

I know we still have another month or so before the new relationship energy starts to cool and we figure out how to stand on our feet relationship-wise without the crazy ZING! that exists during those first few months. I’m not expecting things to get bad, I just know that they change after the newness wears off. Reality.

Meanwhile, I think about him all the time. When will I see him? What did he text? Where is he now? I think about him and smile or shiver at a sweet or sexy moment. I have it really bad. Seriously.

So what about dating? My past poly experience, for the most part, involved having and being a primary partner while engaging in secondary relationships at the same time. No doubt we made epic mistakes, but (at least in theory) my then-spouse and I were a partnered pair who were having other loves that weren’t the central focus of our family and life. I’ve never really been…what I am now – which is one of three girlfriends of a really fantastic man. It feels a little weird.

For example, I have been seeing “whimsy” often enough and the sex has been exceptional enough that I could easily be content having him be my only lover. As much as I enjoy variety – he manages to provide it along with plenty of orgasms too. I’m not bored. I may be lazy though – dating can be work and I guess I haven’t felt much like doing it since this man came into my life. I barely answer my messages on OKCupid and have only gone out with one other man.

I’m trying to figure out if that’s simply because I’m enjoying the newness of this relationship (now almost three months old,) or because of the love & affection that I have for this fella or…what exactly. Maybe I’m expecting it to turn into a monogamous situation. Maybe I’m just at the end of my post-separation “slut phase” – which most people say lasts about a year. Maybe all of the above.

I just haven’t felt like dating other men. And that’s a little weird for me. I mean, being part of a 3 woman, one man poly “branch” is just a little too “sister-wives” looking for me. It feels like it should be very patriarchal – even though it’s not because our man is very centered on his women, liberal, feminist & a great communicator. (Jesus – are we an “N”? Someone who knows poly terms help me out here!)

So herein lies the “problem” that only exists in my head. Should I be dating other people? I talked to E38 Whimsy about it and he obviously has no objections (it’s not that sort of a relationship,) and he understood my angst about it. He said “you’re worried that you’re not still poly if you’re only with me? Well, let me ask you this – if a fisherman isn’t on a boat is he still a fisherman?”

Is it any wonder that I’m crazy about this guy?

 

21
Jul
13

The man that helps me believe in polyamory makes me think about monogamy

By risquedivorcee Leave a Comment
Categories: Dating and Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

I woke up an hour and a half before my alarm today with the intention of blogging. I had coffee. I had some food. I decided that I couldn’t type while eating so I went to Facebook. I played some games. I commented, liked, lurked…played more games. I finally opened this blog window as my alarm was going off. Oh, I know avoidance when I see it. Yes, yes I do. I have been avoiding you.

I find this self-awareness to be interesting despite any real effort on my part to actually change the behavior. I know what I’m avoiding and yet I’m fairly content to allow myself to do so. It’s like leaving dishes in the sink. I know they’re there but I’m a grown-ass adult and I can leave my dishes in the sink if I so choose. Right?! Adult!

Okay, fine, fine! I was on vacation in the boondocks for a week and then came home sick too – so let me add a legitimate excuse to the pile of rationalizations.

I have observed that if I really like a man that I am seeing that it is difficult to blog about him. I find that I am all about bravado, humor and being bawdy and not so great at being soft, squishy & vulnerable. It doesn’t really take a therapist to figure out my defense mechanisms for self-protection. Oh sure, when you start seeing someone that you really like you get swamped with new relationship energy – you start seeing each other a lot and let everything fall to the wayside. Friends, dishes, blogs…  But as that eases a bit, I find myself having even more of a struggle starting to tell the tale. It becomes like catching up on overdue homework – a seemingly insurmountable obstacle! Jeez, I’m still talking about why I haven’t written. Start writing already!!

He’s E38 and I decided to call him Working-class Whimsy because he’s an artist, smart, well-spoken, well-read and has interesting perspective, but he also comes from a very blue-collar background and works a project management job in the construction industry. He could also be “chameleon” because he manages to sort of fit into lots of settings and also pull off several different looks – something that I mentioned to him in my first response on OKCupid. He messaged me saying that he was attracted and that we seemed to have shared interests and that I should respond if I felt the same. I looked at this goofy, funky, artistic, sexy man who described himself as a poly starving artist with a twisted sense of humor and thought “oh yes…”

I think our first phone call was seven hours. I loved his honesty, openness and matter-of-fact frankness. No bullshit. Direct. I even broke one of my cardinal rules and engaged in a bit of phone sex at the end of our marathon chat session. The conversation had turned to sex in an offhand “what do you like” sort of way and it was clear that both of us were going to hang up and go rub one out. I sent a text after our call ended and asked if he wanted me to “talk him off” and called him back. As it turned out, he did most of the talking. Man, he talks very, very well. I told him that I knew we were going to have a lot of fun. And so far we have.

Our schedules didn’t match up until Memorial Day largely because I was seeing the “Teddy Bear Pirate” that weekend and engaging in lots and lots of sex with him. By the the time Whimsy and I got together on Monday I was sore and raw from being worked over all weekend. We were planning to have lunch somewhere near a shopping area a few miles away from my place where he was looking at electronics. I had to use the bathroom so I went into the mega electronics store and texted him that I was there. He found me. (Not in the bathroom! After!) Now, you hear about sparks flying and chemistry and love at first sight, right? Well, I’m too old and jaded for that bullshit, but there was something instantly…comfortable from the start. As we fell into step in the store it felt like we should have already been holding hands. Natural. Relaxed. There was a feeling of “oh, hey – there you are. I know you.” We just sort of clicked.

Being ever the romantic, our next stop was the hardware store next door for wasp spray. Sexy, huh? As I said, there was a general degree of casual comfort from the get-go. When we discussed lunch, we opted for a place in town and I drove us both there in my car. We ate and fell into easy conversation. As the meal neared the end he started asking what I wanted to do next. He noted that the weather was too poor to take a walk and said that we could see a movie – though he acknowledged that wasn’t very social. I thanked him for the movie invitation but declined, saying that I would much rather talk with him more.

We opted to leave the restaurant and figure out what to do next. While crossing the parking lot, he asked me what I wanted to do and I said “what do you want to do?” He then stopped, put his hand on my hip, pulled me to him and planted a very serious kiss on me. Stroking my face, he said “that is what I wanted to do.” A minute later, while getting in the car, he chuckled and said “I wanted to make sure that you knew I was interested.” I laughed and said that since he didn’t check the time and say he needed to get going and kept asking what I wanted to do next that I figured he was interested. I said that I was too and indicated that I would really like to hang out and talk some more. We discussed where to go and I finally said “look, we could go to my place, but if we do we’ll probably wind up in bed – not that that’s a bad thing, but I had company all weekend and am actually really fucked out, so…”

Yeah, classy, right? Or just refreshingly honest? I had had sex something like eleven times and was absolutely aching. I didn’t want our first time to be “oooh, ah…ow” you know? So he said he would be fine with just talking or maybe even watching a movie. We came to my place and talked for about an hour…before we wound up in bed.

Okay, look…the sex? It was nothing short of spectacular. Goddamn! I feel like I’m constantly saying that I’m having the best sex of my life but that’s only because it’s true! I mean, there have certainly been some duds during the past few months but mostly it’s been GREAT! Well, here I go – once again crowing a new “best ever” man. Oh, I can’t base it solely on our first several times (that all happened that first day/night/next morning – yow!) because we’ve probably had sex fifty more times since then and it continues to be exceptional.

I’m simply enjoying someone who is a very excellent match for me, sexually. He’s great at sensing and responding – sometimes being achingly slow and sensual, sometimes being rough & commanding, sometimes letting me take charge, sometimes overwhelming my senses with an orgasmic onslaught. He loves to eat ass and pussy and is truly gifted in the art forms. He goes crazy when his ass is rimmed – something I’d never done before but find to be unobjectionable and very rewarding when he goes completely wild in response. Also, he has an absolutely perfect cock. Just right. Bonus!

E38/Whimsy is poly and has two other girlfriends. Our attitude & philosophy in this area is very similar and we’ve talked openly about it quite a bit. He’s great at communicating and scheduling and I’ve felt absolutely cherished, satisfied and appreciated these past couple of months. He helps me believe that polyamory can work between smart, caring, honest, mature, responsible adults. Right now it’s really, really working for us. And yet, all this ooey, gooey squishy, lovey new relationship energy has me occasionally thinking “hmmm…what would it be like if we were exclusive?” That’s a lifetime of monogamy training talking combined with a man that I am incredibly compatible with and very smitten by. It’s also a whole other topic worth exploring…maybe next time!

xo

RD

18
Jun
13

Getting dumped by someone I wasn’t even attracted to in the first place

By risquedivorcee 1 Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Okay, kiddies – I’m going to try to get you up to date on recent events and may as well start with this one.

We’ll call him the little pirate bear & identify him as M41. Little Pirate Bear messaged me on OKC in a pretty bold and flirtatious fashion near the end of April. For those keeping score, I was still messing around with my young, hot booty call boys at that time and wasn’t that excited about this guy. He indicated that he’d just come out of a long-term relationship and didn’t know what he was looking for but needed to start looking. Okay, there’s a warning bell sounding in there because I can be kind of a handful, but he said that he loved kickin’ curves and loving a woman’s body, so he brought enough flirtatious zest to the table to get my attention. Subsequent conversations seemed to indicate that we had quite a lot in common as far as our personal relationship history was concerned and I felt like he was at the exact place that I was about 10 months ago – dipping my toe into dating for the first time in 20+ years, uncertain about what was available or what I wanted, lacking confidence, terrified but also excited to be taking those first steps in a new direction.

For as bawdy, ribald & raunchy as I can most certainly be, I’m also a real human being with the ability to be kind, empathetic, a good listener, a good friend, encouraging and nurturing. I felt like I could be supportive and encouraging to this guy and help set him on his feet for the dating scene – even if we didn’t hit it off romantically. It is notable to mention that our match score was around 90% – so he was similar to me politically, socially, sexually, ethically & concerning lifestyle. He was also poly-friendly. I was cautiously optimistic in meeting him. I figured that he wasn’t ready for me, but that I could probably be an encouraging friend and maybe more. I agreed to meet him for a drink.

He arrived early, I arrived late (due to traffic – a fact I communicated to him en-route) and when I spied him in the bar my internal response was a decisive “ugh”. I wasn’t attracted. He was a bit overdressed for a casual meeting – wearing a sports coat & slacks. He was short, stout & very grim looking overall. Still, I attributed a lot of that to nerves and newness. I soon came to realize that I was the first date that he’d had since his marriage. Which meant that I was the first woman besides his wife that he’d gone out with in something like 22 years. I cut the guy some slack and pointedly ignored his profuse sweating and frowning intensity. I bought him a beer.

Whether it was the alcohol or me, our talk flowed and we really seemed at ease with one another conversationally. He was smart, funny, self-deprecating, forthright, complimentary and comfortable. We talked for a long time on many subjects – including exes, marriage, kids, dating, poly, group sex, open relationships and such “dangerous” topics for a first date. It did feel more like a first date than a first meet-up too. There was a bit more expectation and pressure that was present than just a standard quick drink. We parted ways about three hours after we met – with a chaste hug and plans to see the new Star Trek film when it came out in two weeks.

I half expected that we would part with a kiss or that during our walk to my car he would take my hand. I wasn’t sure if he didn’t because he was nervous or because we didn’t click, but I did get a pretty strong “friend zone” vibe from the little bear. However, if you have read my recent thoughts about ego and evolution, you will understand when I say that I tried to set aside the fact that I wasn’t super attracted to this guy but I did actually like him a lot as a person. I was sincerely trying to look at the big picture with people – and to date people that shared common interests and experiences – whether they were super sexy or not!

Our second date went similarly to the first. He was less nervous, I let him see my true inner nerd at the Star Trek flick and one time he touched my ankle in a flirtatious way. Other than that, nothing pertaining to touch or flirting happened. We did extend our time together by hitting a bar for happy hour after the movie, but I was still getting the comfy friend vibe and that was okay since I didn’t feel any particular chemistry on my end. I was considering him as an interesting and fun person though.

Our texts and occasional phone calls between meetings were another story. His messages, attentiveness & flirtation outside of our 1:1 interactions were much more forward, flirty & occasionally naughty. Sometimes we would even talk about sexual preferences and he would occasionally make a quip about how I would taste or something like that. Finally, I shot the elephant in the room by telling him that I was intrigued by the fact that his messages were a lot more flirtatious than he was in person. I essentially asked him if he was more comfortable dealing in text or if he was just messing around or what.

His response was basically that he felt like we were sort of “drinking buddies” and that he didn’t really “feel anything beyond that” with me but…well, I am a beautiful, sexy woman and interesting, we have fun together & a lot in common…we’ll see. I told him that I was glad he said that because I felt similarly. I found him very comfortable, fun and great to talk to, but that I wasn’t sure whether we were going to be romantic with each other. I also said that I didn’t think he was quite ready for me & that I was a lot to handle straight out of the gate. He seemed to take that as a personal challenge.

We made plans to get together on the Saturday of Memorial weekend. I had plans to play games with friends on Sunday and was meeting a new guy that I was very interested in on Monday. I told little bear that I would cook and he offered to help or bring wine, etc. We talked about mixers, drinks, etc and finally came a text from him that said “should I pack a bag?” He followed immediately by saying that this would determine what and how much he would drink. I said “yes, absolutely! You are welcome to be comfortable, stay & be at ease. My guest bed is made up and since we are grown-ass adults, we can see how it goes and decide where you should sleep.”

I was quite pleased with that message and had generally decided that I liked him enough that if we got comfortable and chemistry kicked in, I would sleep with him. I mean, it had been several weeks for me, quite awhile for him and the flirting & dirty talk had kicked in with some humor – I knew that we would both enjoy it. However, I had the notion that it would probably be a bit awkward for him and probably consist of a few fumbling attempts followed by maybe two minutes of thrusting and that’s it.

I also have to admit that I had adopted a somewhat cavalier attitude of “benevolence” where the little bear was concerned. Like I was doing him a favor by throwing him a little action. Not so much a pity fuck, but maybe close to that. More like proving to myself that my ego didn’t need to have a 29-year-old Brad Pitt and this guy needed to get laid, so why not?

He showed up with flowers & I opened the door wearing a dress that essentially said “this is yours if you want it.”

He did.

We had drinks, ate dinner, flirted more, he did the dishes, we were comfortable with each other, watched some TV, snuggled, held hands, kissed a bit…and eventually went to bed.

OMIGOD. He was amazing in the sack. I mean, crazy amazing. He ate pussy and ass like it was Gordon Ramsay’s signature Beef Wellington and he hadn’t had a decent meal in years. His hands and mouth knew exactly how to bring me to more orgasms than I could count. His penis was fairly small and his testicles were bigger than anything I’d seen outside of a 4-H fair, but that was secondary to some amazing, amazing oral and digital action that he simply liquefied me with. We managed to have intercourse despite the fact that his dick had a case of nerves. He could get it up & keep it up, but he couldn’t cum. Therefore, I let him lead and set the pace. That pace was to clean wear me out. Okay, maybe not so clean. There was plenty of dirty.

We talked a lot – his ex had basically started to consider sex to be a bad thing once they had kids. He had been made to feel ashamed of his sexuality and treated like a deviant and a predator. I like to think that I helped him get past that a little bit. We talked about poly and about what that meant to us. He said that he was just happy to be with me. He made us breakfast. It was very comfortable and companionable. I had plans to go play games with my friends that (now Sunday) evening and was putting together a dish to pass when I suddenly asked him if he would like to join me. I’d invited very few of my lovers to come hang out with my friends, but in the moment I was really, sincerely feeling it. I had been surprised by this man and also more than a little charmed. Also, he was meeting another lady for lunch on Monday and I lived much closer to where they were meeting than he did. It made sense to have him stay another night. He agreed and came to my friends’ house with me.

We had a perfectly great time playing cards and games and talking with my friends. He was charming, funny and personable and fit in quite well. Later that night we had a lot more excellent sex and it was really intimate and intense. I started to think that I could really enjoy keeping this one around. In my mind, I was thinking that I could have two regular lovers who were dirty, nerdy & fun. I was imagining living a “normal” polyamorous lifestyle with two men that I could see socially and also have great sex with. Of course, I wasn’t meeting the other guy until that Monday either, but I knew based on our extensive conversations that we were going to totally hit it off. I wondered if my blog would suffer due to the boring old two-man show that I imagined.

The following week was peppered with lots of texts and a few phone calls. We made plans to see Man of Steel when it came out and arranged to get together the following weekend as well. I really liked the little Pirate Bear and we had an affinity that made him really easy to talk to. I knew that he was trying to get together with a third gal sometime and that he’d talked to her a few times. I was delighted that we could be open and comfortable talking about that too.

The next weekend he came over again. I told him about meeting the other guy and that it had gone very well. (In another blog entry I will tell you just how well it went!) He told me he didn’t think that things were going to progress with his first lady but that he had plans to see the other gal on Thursday. We were very physical and I found myself really drawn to him – stopping to touch him or kiss him while he was cooking dinner, etc. During dinner, however, he asked what happens if he develops feelings for someone. I said “that’s great” and said that the whole idea of poly was that you could love and care about multiple people. He then said that he was very interested in the other gal but that she was not poly-friendly. He said that he had been up-front with her about our “preexisting plans”  and told her about our date, but he was concerned about what would happen if they hit it off. He threw in a “not that I don’t have feelings for you, but…”

I had a sudden, sinking feeling that he was setting up a scenario where he would ride off into the sunset with this new gal and throw me over. I was a little stunned because here we were enjoying good sex, good food, fun conversation and companionship and he was basically worried about what would happen if he fell for the new gal. I suggested that he could just simply tell her that he wasn’t ready to settle down into a serious relationship and that he was just dating right now. He seemed somewhat unsatisfied with that notion. We had a great day and night together and he finally achieved orgasm with me – twice, in fact. When he left he wished me well on my upcoming trip & we talked about having another movie date when I got back.

Again, we exchanged texts during the week, but not with the same degree of frequency. Okay, I understood that he was managing three different women at that point and that he was somewhat new to dealing with that. I was also enjoying the company and attention of the other new guy in my life and fine with that. On Friday, I was planning to see the new guy again and getting ready to head out of town on Saturday. Little Bear sent me a chatty text Friday afternoon before I headed to work. At some point I asked him how his date went on Thursday. Several minutes passed before he responded. His response took five texts.

He explained that it went so well on Thursday that he needed to cancel our date to see Man of Steel. He appreciated the time we spent together but he told me from the start that he thought we were just drinking buddies and he didn’t feel the same spark for me that he did with this new woman. He had wanted to do this in person after my trip, but he couldn’t begin a new relationship with this woman with this “unknown element” still out there. He apologized, saying that he thought that I was expressing some feelings towards him that he could not return. Then he said “you can hate me & drink & complain about me, but I can’t screw this up. Sorry again.”

Ugh. I just got dumped by a guy I didn’t even want to have a second date with. Seriously?

Regardless, I was a very, very good sport.

I responded by saying that I had warned him that he wasn’t ready for me and kindly said that I wasn’t expecting him at all. I called him “a pleasant surprise” and said how much I enjoyed our time together. I said that I thought his mind had no problem with poly but that his heart might have objections. I told him that he was good, honorable, kind & passionate and that he should remember that and value it. I told him to lighten up – we’d had fun and there was no regret and certainly no hate!

Pretty awesome of me, right? Guess what his response was? NOTHING! Seriously? You met a gal yesterday and today you’re going steady & can’t even talk to me over text? Jeez! A total dump and run!

Three hours later, my phone rang at a point in my workday when I couldn’t answer it. It was the Little Pirate Bear & the voicemail that he left made it sound like he had either pocket dialed me or just hung up without intending to leave a message. I tried calling him back a few minutes later and he didn’t answer. I sent a text asking if he’d meant to call. He eventually sent a text saying it was a total pocket dial and telling me to have fun on my trip and “Thx 4 all your understanding.” Well damn, you’re welcome. I said sure and thanked him for saying that, acknowledging that I was a tad butthurt that he hadn’t responded at all. I said “Best to you” and let it go.

I was a bit annoyed at the abrupt end to our whirlwind romance, but I guess I had seen the writing on the wall. I am happy to report that two days later he sent me a very nice text wishing me a happy birthday and inquiring about how I was doing in Vegas. I kept my response very brief and didn’t engage after he responded. No need to make it more awkward.

Funny enough, I had a new message on OkCupid this past Thursday and noticed that little bear’s photo was no longer next to his messages in my inbox. Lo & behold – after knowing his gal for exactly one week, he had pulled his dating profile. Wow. I predict that this “poly-friendly” guy will be married again within the year.

I told you he wasn’t ready for me!

–RD

« Previous Entries