Posts Tagged ‘online dating



30
May
13

Blame it on my ego…and my vagina…

I’ve been remiss. I’ve been avoiding you. I’ve had some shit to work out.

Yes, I’ve also been busy generating new blog material and have taken two new lovers since my last post.

But this time it’s different. Perhaps it sounds the same, but I assure you, it’s not.

In the week before Mother’s Day I had two different men sort of…blow me off. In both cases we had plans that were canceled and communicated poorly. Mother’s Day is always a bit sad for me anyway and the combination of two cancellations plus the holiday put me into a bit of a funk. The men in question are also my two youngest lovers – Brad Pitt (P29) and Soup Can Man (R30) – and I felt like that was perhaps part of the equation that allowed for my time to be so casually disregarded. Both of these guys were men that I met “organically” – that is, in my daily life, not through an online dating site. I think that also contributed to the casual “fuck buddy” attitude that had been fun, but was getting old. Particularly since both guys had asked me out socially as well but then bailed or not followed through. Our 3am activities were exciting and most excellent, but I was feeling a little empty and unfulfilled on the social front. My twitter pal, @Dirty_Bizness said it well recently “Fucking is great but I want some intimacy!” Spot on.

Furthermore, I felt like my ego & my vagina were sabotaging my ability to see what my heart and mind wanted. No, really. Initially, all this wacky dating stuff stemmed from my desire to get laid. Yes, I needed to get out there & meet new people, but mostly I just needed to see what was out there for me and find out what dating was like for the first time in 25 years. So not only was I aching to get boned, but I had no idea if anyone would want me or what kind of people were out there for my choosing. Heck, I didn’t even know that I would have a choice! So when the offers started coming in I accepted them – nearly all of them. I felt that it was only right to give everyone a fair shot. Oh I’ve had fun. Don’t get me wrong! I needed to have that experience. It was exactly what I needed when I needed it. But somewhere in there my fear, insecurity, ego or just the regular dose of very excellent sex distracted me from moving toward what I really want and from being a little more selective. I mean, having a gorgeous 29-year-old telling you how he wants to eat your pussy & ass? Total turn-on, total ego boost and I let it go to my head. I allowed him to let me be a casual booty call because I felt great when we were together and I didn’t want anything serious either, but I let myself be treated like an option and not tended like a person.

I was learning the difference between “fuck buddy” and “friend with benefits” and I was missing the friendship.

Then there were a few guys who were more like friends…and the sex was meh. Okay. I liked the companionship. I found myself saying “I like the nerdy and the dirty – I just wish they came in the same package!” I still wasn’t looking for only one person to meet that requirement, but I would have really enjoyed three or four guys who liked to talk, game, laugh, be social and fuck like demons. My theory was that I would just hold on to the growlfuckers (even if I wouldn’t ever consider having them meet my friends) and then keep the ones that I liked to talk to and hang out with around too. They could get invited to game night with my friends. Nothing wrong with friends, right? And sex sometimes improved with guidance and comfort with each other.

Recently, my perspective has changed again. On the advice of a friend, I made an OkCupid account & I really like it there even though I’m not as inundated as I am on other dating sites.  I got rid of Zoosk and Plenty of Fish. I started looking specifically for poly-friendly people. People that are fine if I say “no, Friday doesn’t work, I have a date and will probably sleep over there. How about Sunday?” People who have the emotional bandwidth to understand that they don’t want just one person, but they want love, intimacy and friendship with their lovers. Poly folk also tend to be good communicators and often have higher than average sex drives and/or are a little more kinky. I’m not into BDSM, swap parties & such, but I do like some stuff that’s beyond the old in-out. I like lovers who are enthusiastic and, well, passionate about sex. I’ve been finding them.

My recent epiphany was basically that I had been learning what I could have and now I have decided to be more selective and only accepting what I really want. I don’t have to accept every invitation. I can be kind, honest & polite, but I don’t have to say yes to someone when I know it’s a bad match. Guess what? I can get laid anytime. I want some fucking intimacy. Guess what else? I’m happy, healthy, self-aware, comfortable & confident enough to have it now. I’m ready. Guess what else? I’ve been finding those nerdy/dirty/funny/smart combo guys lately. I’m seeing three of them right now. 

So it seems the same, but there’s a change that’s happened for me and it makes me feel great. I’ll do a better job of keeping you up to date. I know I should have talked/written through it, but I wasn’t ready.

Nine days to my birthday in Vegas! Coming up next? I’ll tell you about my last trip to Vegas! 🙂

14
May
13

The Rest of the Story…

This is the continuation of the story about “Suave” (S42) and what happened after I accepted his indecent proposal.

I had indicated that I was getting a pretty strong sense of “too good to be true” from this guy, right? He had displayed some hesitations and reservations that I had simply chocked up to our newness with each other, our “arrangement” and his particular interest. But we I wasn’t imagining the part where we really got along. Or that he enjoyed our interlude, for that matter. He messaged me afterwards thanking me and saying that he couldn’t wait until “next time”. In turn, I messaged him thanks as well and said that while I was all for his plan to spoil me and make me more selfish that I would also be willing to have finished him by other means. Immediately, I received a text on my phone saying:

What other means? Just curious.

Well, I think about 2.5 more minutes in my mouth would have done the trick and that’s where I was headed with it, initially.

Would have been quite content to fuck you too.

Or, I suspect…given your enthusiasm for curves…that you might have liked to come on my tits.

Or, you know…I’m open to suggestion. 😉 

Oh wow. Yes. All of the above. Ha

Damn

Damn what? Damn it’s too bad you didn’t take a different option or damn those are good suggestions?

Or damn something altogether different?

Damn…that’s hot. Tonight was exactly what I wanted

Good. I liked it. It’s good for me to practice selfish therapy.

Yup. Anytime

Reeeeee-ally? Because I could *so* see you being part of my regular playlist! 😀

Ha. Cool

I mention needing to get something to eat and I go have dinner. An hour later he messages me again:

You’re very good at that, btw

At what? 😉

Giving head

Good. Glad you approve.

Ha. Of course. 🙂

And may I say? Back atcha!

Good. Thank you

Oh no, thank YOU

You were sooo wet

Heh. Yeah, that happens when I am suitably persuaded. 🙂

And so we messaged for the next few weeks. Yes, about my needing to learn to spoil myself & be selfish (as well as his interest in doing the spoiling,) and about work, friends, life, TV, gambling, games. He asked me about what kind of wine I like and what kind of coffee is my favorite. We talked about the sorts of “bachelor dinners” that we make for ourselves. I send him some pictures of Star Wars lithographs that I saw, he tells me how he recently got naked at the gym & realized that he was wearing Star Wars boxers. We talk about getting together again, but he reveals that he’s been kinda sick, but he keeps messaging, so it’s not a “we fucked and now I’m going to tell you I’m sick to blow you off” kind of deal. We messaged for about a week. He apologized for not being able to follow up. Messages are steady every day or two until the 12th day after we’d hooked up. I sent a brief text asking if he’s still alive. He replied “Yes, barely.” I rambled on a bit about the flu going around and how I’m going to hear a friend’s Jazz combo. He doesn’t reply. But it was Friday night and I figured he was probably otherwise engaged. Given the number of texts that we’d been exchanging and the regularity of them, I wasn’t concerned about getting dumped and I was certain that he liked me. I also wasn’t concerned about the notion that he was seeing other people. I certainly was and we’d been pretty clear about that. In fact, I was seeing quite a few people. Which makes the rest of the story even funnier.

Four days had passed since I last heard from him. This was a bit unusual, but I just assumed that he’d had a busy weekend, like me. Late Monday night found me messaging with a new romantic interest. We had just made the leap from messaging to exchanging phone numbers and he wanted to talk on the phone. About a minute into my first phone call with a delightful & interesting new guy, I got a text message from an unknown number in an unfamiliar area code. The message said “U don’t know me. But I found out about u the hard way –sent from Textfree.” Bummer. Crappy spam at 12:45am. I ignored it. Fifteen minutes later, my phone blew up with texts. Seven in a row.

In summary, the woman who messaged me explained that she had been dating a man for over a year that I met online. They had been intimate and he told her that they were monogamous. She loves him, he confessed & is going to therapy. She’s known him since 7th grade. This is devastating. He says he’s done. When was the last time he contacted me? She’s not interested in revenge or drama. He’s deeply depressed & she’s worried about him. Some of the things he told her about our encounters (note the plural,) “ysh! I’m not going to go there!” She wants me to answer yes or no & when. (Um, what?)

Meanwhile, I should remind you that I was on the phone with the new guy. Obviously our call was being disrupted by these multiple texts from this randomly ranting lady. Being the honest person that I am and not wanting to be rude to the new guy, I told him what was going on. He was amused and generally nonplussed, which was good. We talked about stalkers and weirdos that we had encountered during our online dating and I admitted that this was a first for me.

Back to the “no revenge, no drama” lady that’s been texting me. I finally responded.

Ok. Not sure if I believe you aren’t after drama when you send me 7 anonymous texts at 1am, but you have my attention. Who are you talking about?

This is followed up with 24 additional texts – and I only responded once saying that I didn’t get the photo that she claimed to have sent. I had to laugh when she told me the first name of the man she was talking about because I happened to have been involved with four men with that name during the previous three months. I was able to safely eliminate two of them from possibility. She confirmed which of the other two I suspected she meant by mentioning his being a Star Wars fanatic. Yep, I know that guy, but still I say nothing as she spews. Generally, the messages were about holding him accountable & his deception. She loves him, she forgives him, she wants him to get help. She appealed to my sympathy and changed tactics a little bit, and mentioning that she was a mom who had been going through cancer the past three years. She said that she was concerned for her safety and wanted to know if we had had unprotected sex. I guess she was expecting to make me mad or jealous when she told me how the other women had been so nice and cooperative. She told me he’d been sleeping with men. I guess I was supposed to be shocked and also feel betrayed and to suddenly become her compatriot in fury. Me? I was mostly just laughing and trying to talk to the new guy on the phone.  I still hadn’t responded and she started getting a bit nasty – making snide remarks about how SHE wasn’t the one with anything to HIDE. (Oh yes – she’d started using all caps.) Then, responding to my earlier message that she was texting anonymously, she messaged me her full name and phone number. Well heck, that’s interesting, right? She accused me of texting him instead of messaging her back. THEN she got personal – sending me a screen shot of one of the many private conversations that “Suave” and I had shared. Particularly the one where he had said that he liked that I sort of looked like a wholesome soccer mom and he loved the idea of driving me wild with passion. I had debunked that by sharing some very private information and she happened to have captured a good chunk of it in the pic she sent me. Then she said “well, good luck with the soccer mom thing then.” I was getting pissed. Then she said how unpleasant it was to see my naked pictures. Well, I knew for a damn fact that the only way there would be any naked pictures of me was if he took some without my knowledge. I didn’t think this was likely, but I realized that it was possible.

Meanwhile, trying to talk to my new friend while 31 texts chimed their arrival was getting to be silly. I apologized, asked if he was going to be up for awhile and said “I’m bout to go END a bitch.” I confirmed that it was okay to call him later and he said that I had better call him & tell him what happened!

So I called up Ms. Angel Rodriguez* (*you know by now that I don’t use real names, right?) She answered and knew my real first name. I barely got a word in before she launched into her life story. It seemed like she was riding on a huge adrenaline dump because I think that she talked for about 10 minutes solid without stopping. I asked if they lived together. She said no, she’s been living with her parents because one has cancer & the other has kidney disease. She’s been going through cancer treatment too. I stop her. I tell her that if she and other members of her household are immuno-suppressed or have low white count that she needs to be really careful and to protect herself. I mention “Suave” having told me that he was sick. She admits that she thinks she gave him the flu. (Hey – he was telling me the truth about that – cool.) After she admits that they aren’t exclusive, she says that they have been having unprotected sex for about 15 months. I suggest that she’s smart enough to know that she shouldn’t be bare-backing with someone that she knows is not being faithful to her. Particularly if she is at-risk. She agrees. As a courtesy, I tell her that we have not had unprotected sex but that we have “fooled around” and that I’ve never been to his place (which is where the naked photos that she found were set.) When she asks when the last time he contacted me was I say “recently, but not the past few days.” Apparently the shit hit the fan with her two days prior to her messaging me. That explains the “dead air” from Suave.

Ultimately, I tell her that she needs to take care of her own shit and that Suave was never dishonest with me. He told me that he had other lovers. Her relationship with him really isn’t my business and I don’t need to be further involved with any ongoing drama. She apologizes for imposing on me, thanks me for the talk. Tells me that I will find someone because I’m such a great person! She calls me “hun” and “sweetie” and tells me to take care of myself.

I was ready to go hardcore on this chick 10 minutes earlier and by the time we’re done I feel like she’s about to invite me for coffee. In fact, she messages me the next afternoon thanking me again and telling me that I need to kiss a few frogs but she knows I will find my prince! Aaaawwwww….okay, fuck off now. 🙂 She thanks me for my compassion and tells me that I saved her sanity. Yeah, well, glad I could help I guess. So weird, right?!?

Meanwhile, I have been considering whether or not to contact Suave and let him know about this. It certainly sounds like he knows, but I’m a bit pissed that he’s allowed my private information to be compromised and used in this fashion. On the other hand, as I said, he didn’t lie to me and gave me exactly what he said he would – lots of orgasms and lots of spoiling. No harm, no foul. Finally, I come up with the perfect way to both fuck with him and check his honesty & humor at the same time. I send him the following message:

So, Angel seems really nice. Suppose she’d be down for a three-way? 😉  Man, that was sure interesting…

His response was immediate and I can almost hear him sputtering through the text:

Who? No. Please. I’m sorry but I have to stop emailing with you. Ugh. I’m sorry.

I like how he tried to deny it for about a half a second and then just gave up. I also like that he said “I’m sorry” often. I opted to let him off the hook. Seriously? If this gorgeous, generous, attentive man is a sex addict whose kink is pleasuring “soccer moms” and “women with curves” who the hell am I to make him feel bad about that? He deserves a fucking trophy! I respond:

It’s all good. Apology accepted. It was a little weird at 1:00 am but you were honest with me and I personally bear no responsibility for your relationship with her. That’s on you, man. Take care, be well & best wishes. 🙂

I regret that I didn’t say something relating to Star Wars. Just to remind him what he’d be missing, right? 😉

He agreed, thanked me, apologized again & that was three months ago and the last time I heard from either “Suave” or his “Angel” and my new guy was highly amused – particularly about the follow-up text that I sent! 😉

29
Apr
13

I tell you that you smell like cheese, you climax in German…

I almost titled this blog entry “enjoying the perfectly pleasant” but I chose something with a little more “pop” instead. Plus it’s all true. Even my pleasant & comfortable is a little on the weird side. That’s okay, really!

Well, I had a perfectly pleasant date Friday night/Saturday morning. Nothing wrong with being spoiled rotten and seduced by someone who is attentive, sensual, generous, kind and nerdy. A little weird nerdy, but I don’t mind. I am too, I guess. This is Dancing Dr. Who/R40 who could also be “Nerdy Nathan Fillion” I guess. After drinks turned into dinner & a walk on Tuesday, I messaged him about getting together on Thursday or Friday. He responded fairly promptly and suggested that I come over to his place on Friday and he would cook for me. I should mention that he is very, very serious about his cooking. Very serious. Even his profile on OKCupid describes his interest in authentic, regional Italian cooking as well as gelato and ice cream. He’s passionate about researching, shopping for & creating meals as well as wine pairing and vintage craft cocktails. I found this to be both interesting and a bit obsessively intimidating, but I was looking forward to it and selected three different wines to pair with the menu he had planned. Several texts were exchanged about menu, preferences & wine – thus turning my casual evening into a bit of a production, but I was still looking forward to it. I even dressed a little less casually than I had originally planned – I figured if he was going to so much trouble I could as well.

I had the impression that I would be staying over given some of the suggestive, flirty talk that he had initiated, so I packed an overnight bag just in case – including my non-latex condoms, of course. I showed up a bit late (having told him I would be,) due to traffic and a fairly significant plumbing crisis at my house. I was delighted to turn the household emergency over to the landlord to deal with, but I had to shower at a friend’s place and was a bit frazzled by the time I arrived. I was taken aback by the stunning views at his rather impressive, old Victorian. It was very comfortable & I left my bag in the car & parked in the driveway. Having been duly introduced to the housemates, I wandered around the kitchen and the main floor just checking things out. He was prepping in the kitchen and in short order, pulled me in for a hug that turned into a caress & slight, swaying dance – with little butterfly kisses, body rubbing & light, gentle touches of my face, lips, nose & eyes. It was both sweet, intimate and slightly frustrating as we still hadn’t had an actual first kiss, but it was very calming and centering and very comfortable. I said as much to him – saying it was exactly the right thing that I needed at that moment. It was also very sweet that he took a moment just to breathe me in rather than just rushing around & working on dinner. I felt very welcomed and cherished. Pre-dinner fancy cocktails were also very appreciated and welcoming. Dinner was bruchetta, tuna steaks & fresh artichokes all grilled on the mesquite fire & served with an olive-oil & garlic herb sauce that you drizzled over the food. This made for some serious garlic breath, but it was so worth it because the food was amazing.

After dinner & clean-up that I was also barely allowed to help with, we moved to the couch and were discussing what to do next while essentially making out and finally having some real kisses. He made a comment about being tired and having to work the next day and mentioned that he was working near where I live (about 15 minutes away.) As he is another urban hipster that doesn’t drive by choice, I asked how he was getting there and he showed me the bus route he was planning to take. I offered an alternative. Open another bottle of wine, I stay & take you in the morning on my way home. Deal. We also agreed that we were too full to manage the three courses of dessert he had planned and I suggested saving them for breakfast – a notion that really seemed to amuse him.

After some more wine, a little dancing & a lot of kissing, we moved the party upstairs. I think we were both a little drunk and a fair bit exhausted by that time. His quarters were both charming and whimsical while also being slightly inconvenient and…perhaps a bit odd for an adult. It was the old servant’s quarters/attic up the winding back stairs off the kitchen. The only bathroom was also off the kitchen – in the floor below. Inconvenient! The space was put together well, however and the views were stunning. It was also a bit dusty and my allergies would probably have gone completely crazy if we hadn’t had a window open. While we were snuggling and making out I realized that between the warm day, small room, garlic and wood smoke we were a bit smelly. I was again glad that the window was open but I noted that his hair smelled of wood smoke and at some point in my dozy boozy state I told him that he smelled like a smoked gouda. For some reason, this seemed really appropriate with the foodie guy and he seemed to find it amusing and charming. Eventually talk turned to how long he would have been aged and my affinity for hard cheese. Yeah, it was weird but it sorta worked, you know?

Sex was lazy and a little vanilla – which is fine. (I swear, the food reference there was purely unintentional!) He was very enthusiastic and responsive, but let me lead which was somewhat unexpected. I don’t honestly remember what happened that slowed our progress, but somewhere in the middle we got distracted or there was a condom complication and he didn’t finish. I offered to help with that but he seemed fine just to sleep, spoon & cuddle. I slept okay – dozed mostly. Oddly, I kept having dreams about us having sex – that he had slipped in while spooning me (without a condom) or that I had finished him off with my mouth. The vivid dreams mixed with the muzzy reality created a very surreal combination of not being entirely clear on what had actually happened and what hadn’t. I also had to get up to go to the bathroom a couple of times and that was a perilous journey. I would take my phone with me because it had a flashlight app and one time quite late I noticed that I had missed a few texts while I had my ringer off. One was from “Soup Can” R30 asking where I was. Hmmm…booty call. One was from one of the 23-year-olds from last year pinging me for the first time in about eight months.  That was…interesting and unexpected. We messaged a little bit and I said that I was at a sleepover with a friend and just discreetly fucking with my phone. He said something about wishing he was discreetly fucking and also wanting to be naked. Drunk, young…cute as fuck but probably a really, really bad idea. I do like a man who is unfazed when I say I’m in another man’s bed though. I dig that a lot.

Anyway, morning found more snuggling and spooning with Dr. Who and before I knew it he was whipping out cookbooks and talking about breakfast. There was also espresso in bed – that was pretty awesome too but I did have to switch his focus to the fact that he had a woman in his bed who needed a morning wake-up. He didn’t take much convincing – a little re-directing put him on track and it was good if goofy. He requested me on top – okay, fine…but he did this weird little frog-kick with his legs that added some thrust that was very pleasant but looked a bit silly. I was laughing and noted “the little frog kick” and he said yes, he likes to do it “froggy style” which made me snort and also cum in short order. It was rather nice, but after awhile I asked if we could switch positions and he took the top. That was much more immediately satisfying and I could tell he was getting close and he got a bit loud. Okay, that’s fine…he began to sort of shout/moan near the end and then came with a flourish shouting “Wonderbar!”

Um, did you just climax in German? I laughed out loud and said “so, it’s not just Italian then, huh?” I really don’t mind fun and goofy sex. It was companionable and comfortable and pretty good – especially for people that are just learning each other. The German orgasm rather amused me. But hey, let your freak flag fly! I appreciate someone who can go with whatever they feel in the moment.

Breakfast was a beautiful frittata with local pancetta, rosemary stolen from the neighbors herb garden,  local organic eggs and onions. It was amazing. There were muscat grapes & some buckwheat porridge with raisins. Very strong coffee was a nice accompaniment with our meal and then we had the dessert from the night before – his homemade lavender coffee ice cream. It was amazing. My mouth was in love with the contrasting flavors. Eventually my mouth enjoyed a fine tooth-brushing and my body got a shower and we took off towards the burbs. I dropped him at his appointed spot and he needed to run but he kissed me, thanked me for the ride and said that he enjoyed himself. He said I am “one hot tomato” and I said “back atcha, kid” which was a weird response and apparently now it’s 1947, daddio.

R40/Dr. Who identifies as poly – as do I, really – in the sense that I am not looking for exclusive. Thus the fact that we’ve not talked a lot since isn’t too unusual. Yesterday he sent a text with something that he forgot to tell me that morning when he was “distracted” and then today I sent him a page from a recipe book that I thought would amuse him but he didn’t respond. I hope that we can see each other again – I think that we could get along nicely and he would make a nice addition to the regular rotation.

Wonderbar!

 

24
Apr
13

but…but…I wore sexy underwear & shaved!

I think I need a pep-talk. I’ve been giving myself one while singing and hanging out at a favorite bar and I am feeling better, but I am dismayed that I felt so…disappointed and rejected.

I know I’m supposed to be witty & entertaining, but this blog is my journal and an archive of my journey, so you get to hear about my insecurities and disappointments as well. It’s hard not to feel a little bit sad when you’re sitting home alone wearing your sexiest underwear after your “date” went home after about 40 minutes.

I know I’m being irrational. But tonight my logical and my emotional were at odds and that’s when my insecurity crept in & took a firm hold. So, after meeting my first date of the night (more on that in a sec,) I went to a nearby friend’s house to change from my slightly more “dressy” work/first meet clothes into my rockin’ hot dive bar karaoke with a sexy cowboy clothes. We’re talking skinny, ankle-zip distressed jeans, cute shoes & a faux vintage Van Halen 1984 tour t-shirt. And fantastic underwear. Black lace with nude underlay demi cup bra and black lace boy shorts. My ass looked fantastic in the undies and in the jeans. I was feeling good and had turned my nervous energy from earlier into sassy, sexy confidence.

We didn’t have a set meet time, but I had confirmed that we would both be there tonight. I packed an overnight bag because a sexy sleepover was likely given our history and his close proximity to the bar. I was looking forward to his fantastic bed and body – and singing. He’s a great singer & I hadn’t heard him since the night we met two months ago. I was looking forward to showing off and flirting and at some point having him put his hand at the small of my back and ask me back to his place. I really had imagined how it would go and was full of anticipation and excitement.

I got there around 9:40 and I saw him right away when I walked in. I went & exchanged a hug with the sexy bartender (who may or may not read this blog and who is dead sexy,) then, without having seen me, P29 went out the side door to smoke. I ordered a drink and set it down next to his at the bar and went to look through the books to see if my “theme songs” were available. He saw me when he walked in and acknowledged me and returned to his seat. I took my time finishing my task then cooly walked over (I’m being cool, remember?) I said hi & we sort of half-hugged and he said something immediately about not feeling well and not staying. He said his stomach was really upset and blamed Jack-in-the-Box. I willingly admit that he didn’t look great & he visited the bathroom soon after. I stepped outside to smoke, chatted with someone I knew out there and P29 soon followed. He asked me if he could get his jacket (that’s been living in my front closet for 2 months) from me then rather than later so that he didn’t forget. Oooohhhhh…here’s your hat, what’s your hurry? I said “sure, walk with me” and we walked together to my car.

I told him that I was really sorry that he was feeling sick and said that those weren’t the kind of moans that I liked to hear from him. He laughed at that, which was good, then said “it is what it is, but it sucks. All I wanted to do was sing.” I flirtatiously quipped “is that all you wanted to do?” To which he responded: “yeah, I have to get up early in the morning…” he was meeting a former military contact who was going to give him a job recommendation or something. I was all enthusiastic & “good for you – that’s great – good luck” and we went back inside. He did his song (swoon, panties dampen, yum…) then came back to me and we chatted some but it was loud and talking wasn’t ideal. He said he should at least stay for my first song, which he did, but he had his (other) jacket on by the time I was finished, gave me a hug and said he would talk to me soon.

Okay, the man is ill. We just had red-hot fantastic sex three days ago. I’m a terrible, greedy, heartless, self-centered bitch, right? Because there was and is a big part of me that felt like it was maybe just a polite blow-off & that he wasn’t sick in the least. UGH. I hate feeling that way! It makes me feel like I’m being needy and clingy and worst of all, suspicious – none of which I am entitled to in the least. But these are feelings after all and I can’t control that.

I also realize that this is someone who is also going through major change and transition in his life and perhaps a bit of depression. He left Afghanistan in January after a lengthy tour – his second, I believe. He’s living off his savings and hasn’t worked since he’s been back. He told me that his sleep schedule is all messed up & I know he’s been looking for work. Or rather, he’s been “being a lazy fucker” as he said, and not actively looking for work. The messiness of his apartment suggests that he’s been staying in a lot and he told me in February that he’s as unfit as he’s ever been & doesn’t like it. Though he seems to have actually put on a bit of weight between February & April. So…even if he was bowing out gracefully, it’s possible that it’s because he was feeling moody & unhappy and it has nothing to do with me.

Yet, I had my expectations (I even shaved my legs & armpits & neatly trimmed my lady business!) I’ve never been good at resetting my expectations. I like things to go the way that I plan them and man, I had some pretty specific and pleasurable plans in my head. Anyway, I was disappointed and then dismayed at the feelings that that prompted. Which sucks.

I will remind myself again that we just had amazing sex on Saturday morning and that he is not someone who does a 10-minute quickie. He’s pretty detail-oriented and last time we must have spent close to three hours enjoying each other. So…if he did have to get up early…okay. Anyway, I like “Young Brad Pitt” and was delighted to have him drift into my life. I hope he doesn’t drift out again and I hope he’s not getting weird. I mean, there’s no polite way that I know of to say “dude, you’ve had your tongue in my ass – don’t go getting weird on me now!”

Meanwhile, my earlier date went pretty well, I do believe. I’m going to start adding a descriptive modifier as well as the initial/age designation for my dates because I think it’s easier to keep track of. So, I’m going to call this one Dancing Doctor Who. Why? Because he is very involved with the blues dancing scene and also a big Dr. Who fan. His designation is R40 – not to be confused with R30 (see why I’m changing this?) No, he doesn’t look like Dr. Who but he’s sort of a little chubby and both handsome and dorky. Also kind of a chestnut ginger – something I didn’t pick up on from his photos. Imagine a slightly pudgier & nerdier Nathan Fillion if you will. We met at this really great speakeasy-type vintage bar in a historic building. Excellent place with fantastic craft cocktails and great ambiance. He was a little bit late due to traffic & let me know 20 minutes ahead of time that his bus was running late. Courteous. Tall. Funny. Nerdy. I do so love the nerdy! We talked very easily for a couple of hours and then he said that he wanted to grab some more substantive food before going to dance and asked me if I would care to join him at a nearby taco truck. Sure, why not? I’m wearing white pants, but I have a couple of changes of clothes in the car. I did mention that I was short on cash, however and assumed that a taco truck might not take a card. We agreed that I would pay for the drinks and he would pay for the tacos. Cool. Good communication. Comfortable. Witty. Much in common. Like-minded.

The “taco truck” was really more of a casual restaurant. Very good. We ate & talked some more and there was some light hand-brushing initiated by him that said “hey, what up, physical contact – I like you!” Okay, that felt pleasant & comfortable as well. I walked him to his dance space and he said it was a shame that I had other plans or he would invite me to stay and dance. Nice. We agreed to see each other again, said we enjoyed it and exchanged a couple of good, solid slightly long hugs and a chaste cheek kiss (he initiated.) Yes. I approve.

The dancing makes me a tad nervous – I don’t have any experience with it but it also looks like fun and God knows I need to exercise more! While we were discussing dance I said that I wasn’t sure if I would be good at following someone’s lead. I admit that as he was describing being the leader being confident, commanding, inventive & communicating moves to their partner and the partner needing to anticipate, meet and respond…I was absolutely thinking about sex.

Good first-meet & my first OkCupid meet-up. Someone I will see again for sure.

I really like the reverse order that I put the description of my two dates in when writing about them. It was actually pretty helpful in making me feel better by reminding me that I have options, flavors, choices, variety and people who find me interesting and attractive.

It’s almost 4:30am. I’m a stupid idiot for being up this late! Goodnight!

 

 

23
Apr
13

I don’t often get nervous

I really don’t get nervous very often. I’m comfortable and confident as a general rule. I treat people like human beings and never put all my eggs in one basket where dating is concerned. Yet…I am full of spastic, excited energy right now that I have to assume is somewhat related to…nerves??

I’m restless. I feel like squealing or talking someone’s face off. I guess that’s what I am a bit worried about. I’m afraid that I will get to this first meet-up with this new guy & just have severe diarrhea of the mouth. I’ve been known to do that!

I also didn’t eat & lost my wallet earlier – both contributing factors to me being a little off, perhaps. I also have a very busy week including a show that I am performing in this weekend – factors? It’s also a gorgeous, sunny, warm day – yay! Add to that I just booked a great deal on a trip to Vegas for my birthday in June and I am crazy excited! Squee!

Men, boys, interests, opportunities, excitement and a day with two dates with two interesting & sexy men? Yes, please! I confirmed karaoke with P29 tonight & I am really looking forward to that! I expect that I will wind up sleeping over at his place & packed a bag just in case. I’m excited. But I need to play it cool!

My former therapist used to give me exercises to help me sit in the space I was in and feel because after a lifetime of looking after others I had a really hard time being in touch with my feelings. Corny, but true nonetheless. I’m trying to do this today. Do I feel nervous or am I just so excited and happy that I’m having trouble not jumping out of my skin? I think it’s the latter, but I also feel like the end result is the same.

I’m a dork. I’m a spaz. I’m not chill.

17
Apr
13

Not waiting for the phone to ring, but will still answer…

I’m not sure that I’m feeling witty. I’m feeling tired & hungry, this is sure. But I wanted to post something because I know that I won’t have a chance to do so tomorrow unless I get up at an ungodly early hour. Little chance of that since it’s already past 3am.

Unexpectedly, plans developed late this afternoon to spend some time with C43 this evening. He’s the guy I could be crazy about if not for the fact that he feels “no sparks” and this has put us in a friend zone. Still, we have so much in common and I enjoy talking with him so much that I am willing to have a sexless friendship with him. I’m a human being after all – I have friends! Though I acknowledge being a sex-loving slutty human being who is hugely attracted to this man. What’s weird is that we have settled into a very comfortable friendship but…there’s still some lingering “maybe” residue that sometimes causes tension.

I mean, this is someone that I met through a dating site, fucked once and then…he got sick, I was out of town for two weeks…by the time we saw each other again things had sadly cooled. But I like him as a person a lot and figured we could be friends. I feel comfortable discussing almost everything with him and love hearing how his brain processes, argues & articulates points. We share a wicked sense of humor too. I value the person that he is and am willing to take what he offers in terms of a friendship.

Please note that I said that I can talk about “almost” anything with him. What we don’t talk about is other people that we date or fuck. In fact, if I had to wager, I would bet that he hasn’t been with anyone since he was with me in late November. I could be wrong, but that’s the vibe I get. Whereas…well, if you’ve been reading you know I’ve been keeping busy. Which is a good thing, I think. I’m delighted that my new & improved self isn’t sitting around pining for this guy who is so worthy of it in many ways yet so frustrating in others.

But if we’re “just friends” why don’t I feel comfortable talking about dating with him? He’s a writer and I would love to share this blog with him, actually. I think he would enjoy it quite a bit. Except for the fact that…well, not only does it mention him and my feelings about him, but it has some pretty detailed accounts of my exploits with other men as well. For some reason, despite being firmly in “the friend zone” I feel like we kind of still have one foot in the date zone. Let me reiterate, I’m not sitting around waiting for him to clue in and change his mind about us, but…maybe I am??

Points to ponder.

Meanwhile, I completely forgot about the fact that I signed up for OKCupid earlier today before I went to work. I found two messages there for me – neither of interest. Why the heck were there only two?!?!? I poked around there for a bit just now. Interesting. I’m intrigued by the number of marrieds & poly-folk there. It seems to be a much more intelligent and honest bunch than I have found thus far on Plenty of Fish. I will have to spend some more time there soon.

12
Apr
13

dick pics – I don’t get it!

Exhibitionists have been around since long before the cell phone and webcam. Even before trench-coats became the accepted symbol of a dirty guy who wanted to show you his winkie, men liked to…show you!

I mean, boners are kind of nifty, right? Just imagine if you could go into the $1 section at Target and buy a neat little toy the size of an egg-full of silly putty. After you play with that squishy little blob for awhile, it suddenly increases in size & girth until it grows to resemble a decent-size flashlight, a Monster energy drink or, if you’re lucky – a can of Pringles!  Wow! Cool toy!  Then it will even squirt stuff! Woot! Everyone would love it! Continuing the metaphor, soon everyone would have this nifty doo-dad and, as happens,  the novelty would wear off. You’d still love to play with it, but everyone’s seen it – nobody is impressed when you say “hey! Check this out! Look what I can do!”

This is pretty much how I feel about dick pics. I mean, we’ve all seen the trick already, guys! I’m not saying that you are not all uniquely special, skilled & talented, but that’s not what a photo of your meat stick shows me. You aren’t showing me your wit, kindness, humor, intelligence, stamina, social consciousness, skills at cunnilingus…you’re showing me your cock. It may truly be inspirational, but it’s really not that different from the hundreds that I have seen before. (That’s counting porn too – I’m not that big of a slut!)

Women aren’t nearly as visually stimulated as men either. But men don’t seem to care. I think that they are actually visually stimulated by themselves and their nifty “boy toy” and they love to show it off! My filthy Twitter pal, @The_Marcness recently tweeted: “Beating off to a video of you rubbing one out is like some sort of weird, perverted inception” – speaking on behalf of many men who, in my experience, like to watch themselves.

Technology has made it possible and even easy for us to share photos with each other effortlessly. Exhibitionists and voyeurs alike have found a socially acceptable outlet for watching and showing their naughty bits.  Still, there remain those “raincoat flashers” out there who just seem to get off on the thrill of the shock. It is as if they enjoy seeing what kind of reaction they can generate by sending out unsolicited dick pics and videos.

I don’t understand this. Particularly in some of the cases that I have personally experienced. We message each other through a dating site, get to know each other a little bit as human beings. Maybe we flirt or are suggestive with one another, okay. We get comfortable enough to exchange phone numbers and plan to meet up. You don’t know me yet, but if we meet and there’s chemistry, odds are that I will have sex with you. Real sex. With tongues, mouths, hands, fingers, boobs…an actual vagina. So why sour your chances by prematurely whipping out the peen?

To be clear: I’m not talking about when texting turns dirty and turns to sexting. I’m not talking about when we’re seeing each other and you send me a “thinking of you” photo. That’s different. I’m talking about the guy that wakes me up at 7am with a picture of him stroking it. Or who sends a MMS message to me and 10 others on Easter Sunday when I’m at dinner with my family.

Yeah, that guy – again! Or rather, still. This guy that I haven’t met has awakened me three times during my vacation this week by sending me nude pics of himself. This is the guy that texted at 6:21am and when I asked for no texts before 9am or after 12am got offended and said I should find someone else. Okay, fine, bye. But wait – he keeps sending me nude pics and video! All but one have been before 9am, of course – including a cock pic that woke me today. So far I have simply ignored him. I find this usually works best. Though I was sorely tempted to text back “oh, wow – it must be cold there” when his hand-held wiener pic arrived on my phone this morning. However, I have learned not to feed the trolls.

I know, I should start shutting my ringer off, but a lifetime of being the responsible friend/mom/aunt that you can call 24/7 if you need me makes me hesitant to do that. Plus I always forget to turn it off or turn it back on. Plus – would the alarm on my phone still work? Points to ponder if I don’t want to be pondering penis points in the wee-wee hours of the morning! Meanwhile, I will learn how to block numbers on my cell, but that only works if they continue to contact you from the same number. Some of these guys are crafty. I have had at least four men disable their POF accounts and then message me anew from a different account.

I haven’t even covered the men who seem to prefer having an online spank-buddy to video chat with rather than meet in person. I guess virtual sex is the safest sex possible, but I don’t understand that either!

And I think “just your tits…” has replaced the lie that used to be “just the tip!”

Okay, I’m tweeting that!

11
Apr
13

mr. right…now…

I don’t know where to go from here. I just wrote a rather serious bit about religion and LGBTQ and hate to continue in a melancholy direction. I feel like the next chronological place to go is with the guy that I mentioned as my “fuck buddy” in a recent blog. The one that said I think like a man when it comes to relationships. I’m afraid that one might wind up being somewhat serious as well.

As a writer I have always been the type to “mentally outline” before I put pen to paper (yes, I am that old!) When I was being taught how to write a research paper in school I was always rather affronted that we had to turn in rough drafts, outlines, note cards, etc. Now that most of us write on computers and can cut & paste and edit on the fly, these steps in “writing properly” seem even more nonsensical to me. With blogging, I find that I come up with topics that I want to cover and do just a topic list and then spend some time organizing my thoughts internally – mentally. Which is what I’ve been doing today on the subject of “that guy” – and it’s managed to make me somewhat sad.

I talked about the power of “closure” in relationships last week (read the comments after the “way back machine” blog – how awesome is that?)  It can really feel good when you are able to have an exchange that helps you achieve some sort of peace and prospective. This is especially true at the end of relationships – particularly meaningful ones. I didn’t really have that with this guy and it’s…dissatisfying.

I don’t think that I feel hurt, exactly. I think that we had run our course and that our end was imminent, but it could have gone differently.

And guess what? I’m telling it backwards. Let’s start at the beginning. (Bet you wish I used those stupid outlines right about now, aren’t you?)

Last summer was tough. Ending a marriage and redefining a 25-year relationship was intense. Add kids, money and a house full of stuff that we had to divvy up? The entire summer was stressful, painful and despite our best efforts, often filled with fights, drama and heartache. I’m proud of how we have come through it and have found a friendship on the other side, but late July/early August was the worst of it.

I want to give you the context surrounding me meeting S46. I had had sex one time in the past nine months. If you have read more than two of my blog entries you know that was a major problem for me! I had just decided it was time to start dating, had put my profile up on POF and had met or talked to a few men, but not many. I had received my first “cougar” offer from the 23-year-old tatted guy but mostly I was…learning to be alone. I was consciously doing things that I wanted to do for me and forcing myself to get out of the house from time to time.

One evening I went to the casino. It was a pretty busy night and there were lots of social players there. Also, I was winning. I had been playing a Three Kings slot then moved to another machine, hit something big and went to cash out and “fold some bills” as I like to call it. That’s when I put some money back in my wallet after winning a bit and then go back and play some more. When I came back, this guy that had been playing a few machines down from me was at the machine that I had left and I took the slot next to him. Then he started a winning streak and hit a big bonus. At some point – we started teasing each other a little bit about the fact that he had taken over “my machine” and we continued chatting for the next several hours. We move around to different machines together – making sure that there are two free together so we can keep talking.

Then conversation turned to Vegas – I had a trip coming up in a few months, he was thinking of going…are we flirting now…hmmm…I start looking at him as a man rather than just a guy I’m chatting with. He’s geeky in an “old guy” sort of way not a hipster kind. He’s wearing business clothes – charcoal dress pants, button down shirt. He’s bald with a little mustache. Not really my type, but I’m enjoying our interaction and I’m starting to pick up a little…chemistry…? In talking about where to stay in Vegas he says he stays at a friend’s condo. Then he pointedly says “if it’s not obvious why I stay at my friend’s place it’s because I’m married.” He then goes on to tell me that he asked his wife for a divorce and she suggested they should just have an open marriage so that’s what they have now. Okay, but he seems pretty bitter or at least droll about it.

Chat continues, I reveal that I am recently separated, he asks if I’m getting out much & I tell him about the “cougar encounter” with the 23-year-old earlier in the week. He says “yeah, well, I can beat that – my 52-year-old wife is out fucking her 30-year-old boyfriend.” Without missing a beat, I say “good for her. At least she didn’t have him move in with you.” This got his full attention and we talked about the pros, cons & stupidities of open marriage & poly relationships.

I’m not going to go too far into that as far as my personal history is concerned, but it is something that my ex & I tried to do during the last several years of our marriage. I think that the model of multiple relationships can really work and is something that I am basically living right now, but we did it wrong. It’s impossible to support secondary relationships when your primary is disintegrating and untended. Anyway, S46 led me to believe that he was in an open, poly marriage.

As winnings were dwindling and the evening wore on, he finally stood up and asked if I liked sushi. I answered that I did and he did a little head gesture towards the new, fancy sushi joint at the casino and indicated that I should join him. I was like “um, are you asking if I would like to have sushi right now with you? Use your words.” This pretty much set forth our communication style for the next 4 months or so.

We had a very nice dinner with good conversation. I decided that he was sort of cute after all – taller than I’d realized, nice build under the business attire, dimples, good smile, nice eyes. And hey, I was on my first date in months, right? During dinner we exchanged numbers and talked about getting together again – maybe as casino buddies.

At that point I wasn’t sure if this was a lonely married guy who was looking for someone to hang out with or what exactly, but it didn’t matter too much to me. I was happy to make new friends, but I really didn’t expect to hear from him again.

We parted ways with a handshake of all things. I really pegged him as a married guy who was uncomfortable with how far he had taken his flirtation with me. Again, I didn’t expect to hear from him again and I didn’t hear from him for a full month after that first day.

I feel like this should be the end of this blog entry. It’s already pretty long and It’s not my favorite in terms of humor or thrill factor, honestly.

I promise this one gets better…for awhile…

07
Apr
13

that whole “cougar” thing? totally legit!

Cougar.

I’m not sure when I first heard the term, but I think that it started “trending” sometime after MILF – maybe in the mid-2000’s? Certainly Anne Bancroft is the most iconic cougar I can think of, but her tryst with a college-age Dustin Hoffman in “The Graduate” must predate the term by at least 35 years. Also, since Mrs. Robinson & Benjamin were a “May-December romance” made in Hollywood, Hoffman plays a 21-year-old, but at the time that the film was made, he was 30 years old and only six years younger than Bancroft in real life. Well, that’s fiction for you, but the general idea of an older woman seducing a college-age man has long been the stuff of fantasy. Much the same is true of the older man and the nubile, young piece of tail, right?

If you look it up online, “cougar” seems to commonly refer to a woman over 40 who “preys” on younger men who are typically in their 20’s. Personally, I find that the term seems to be morphing into a new definition where “cougar” simply means a fuckable older woman. Maybe we have Courteney Cox to thank for that, but I don’t think that the word carries as much of a negative stigma as it may have five or ten years ago. If I mention my involvement with a younger man, many of my friends will say “oh, are you a cougar?” I don’t think that anyone means it in a bad way or is suggesting that I am “preying” on some poor young fool.

When I first made my profile on Plenty of Fish, I had a lot of advice from a single female friend of mine who is also in her early 40’s. I spoke to her right before I launched my profile and she said “now you’re gonna have all the young guys hitting on you.” I was more than skeptical. I scoffed. She told me to wait & see – that the young guys love older women because there’s less drama. While I continued to be unconvinced, I thought about it a little bit more. Getting past my body image issues and general insecurity from not having dated in 20-some years, I could understand the appeal. Older women aren’t looking to settle down, get married, make babies, have someone pay their bills or take care of them. Most women over 40 are capable of taking care of themselves. Most older women don’t have the degree of angst, drama and maintenance that often comes with a woman in her 20’s. They don’t require a boyfriend to be available to them 24/7. They don’t get jealous if every minute isn’t spent with them. We have our own homes without roommates so we can “host” sexual escapades. Best of all, older women are experienced in the sack, near their sexual peak and generally love to be physical. Many of us can’t even get pregnant, so that’s a bonus too. Yes, these are all generalizations, but they are also generally true and I can certainly see the appeal. Still, I didn’t think that any young guys would be hitting me up. But my friend’s “wait and see” didn’t have to wait long.

I was driving home from one of my first meet-ups with a POF guy. This was the guy that I felt was “just friends” and who had only been separated for a couple of weeks. When my phone dinged telling me that I had a text, I assumed that it was my “safety friend” messaging to make sure I had made it home okay. It wasn’t. It was the 23-year-old son of some friends of mine who just happened to be texting me at 12:30am to see what was up. Huh. That’s odd. This is a kid I’d known since he was about 13 and would consider a friend of the family. He briefly dated my niece so I knew that the kid had a little bit of a kinky/exhibitionist streak from what she had told me. Because of that, I was slightly prepared for him to be a little risqué or flirtatious. He had, on occasion, messaged me on Facebook to chat from time to time as well, but sending a text – particularly so late, was new.

When I got in the house, we continued our conversation via Facebook chat. I mentioned that I had just come from a meet-up with someone and he asked how dating was going. I said it was very new and weird since I hadn’t dated in about as many years as he had been alive. He asked if I was doing online dating or how I was meeting people. He then made a comment that it was too bad that “my generation” didn’t just do what his does – hang out, hook up and chill. I said I had no idea what my generation does because it was all new to me. Then he said that if I wanted to do that with him sometime he’d be down.

What?

Wait. What? Back it up…did he just…what? Please, blog followers, imagine me sitting in front of the computer, in the dark, at 1:30 in the morning, literally YELLING at the screen “Shut the fuck up! Did that really just happen?” I was sure that Ashton Kutcher (a one-time cougar fan himself,) was going to jump out at any minute and tell me that I was being punked. Then my text notice bleeped again – with a photo from this guy. It’s him. Nearly naked – his bare torso covered with tattoos and his bedroom eyes staring pleadingly. The text said “could you handle looking at this?”

What the? Okay, okay…I guess I didn’t misread that.

The next message from him contained an apology for being so forward and said that he hoped that he didn’t make me feel uncomfortable. I finally managed to find some words and type a response saying that I was pretty stunned but not uncomfortable. He went on to say that he was looking through my photos and came upon a particularly voluptuous one of me in a certain dress and that I was really hot. He said that he wouldn’t mind fucking me in that dress. Okay, yeah. Message received. That was pretty direct. Yikes.

My mind was scrambling. I was still dying to have sex at that time and here was a young hard-bodied guy who was offering it. However, this is also someone that I still imagined riding a Razor scooter around the neighborhood. I know this kid’s parents and siblings, he knows my kids and my ex and he once slept with my niece. I could certainly imagine, but I couldn’t possibly imagine…!

Finally, I said thank you. I told him that his was the best offer that I had had in about six months and I really appreciated him being so sex-positive. I joked that I couldn’t imagine having sex with him and then looking his mom in the eye. He said “well, don’t tell my mom.” Jesus. He was tempting, to be sure, but I wasn’t willing to risk friendships or have my kids be the butt of scandalous jokes just so that I could get laid. We had a sweet, brief flirtation and ended the conversation…at least for then. We did exchange some dirty texts a few weeks later, but nothing that would have rocked the gossip network in the town I used to live in.

I still doubt that his mom would approve…

But wait! There’s more!

That particular week had been a tough one for me, emotionally. My ex and I had been going through the worst of the nastiness that goes with separating. I was finding the online dating scene to be daunting and a little bit weird. I felt detached from everything that I had once held dear – my home, my family – even my dog.

So I went to the casino. And I met this guy. And I will blog about him later. He was S46 and twice the age of the guy who made me my first official cougar offer. S46 bought me dinner and got my number and boy, wasn’t I having a better week with all this attention?

The next night, I was on Facebook again and received a message from a totally different 23-year-old. This guy is also the son of friends, though I haven’t known him since he was a pup like I did the other young guy. This guy would send me “pokes” on FB almost daily, but I never thought much about that. Some folks do that stuff. That particular night, however, he was more chatty than usual and I found myself once again on the receiving end of some serious flirtation with a very young guy. This one wasn’t as smooth or direct as the other, but he finally managed to get around to telling me that having sex with an older woman had always been on his bucket list. He followed that with “which reminds me, incidentally, I haven’t seen your new place yet. Heh.”

Holy shit. Have I just had three guys hit on me in the course of four days? And were two of them under 25? Yep.

I told this guy that he was the second 23-year-old to “hit me up” that week and that I told the first that I would keep it in mind, but wasn’t sure about fucking my friends’ kids. He then asked if I had come up with a policy about fucking my friends’ kids yet because he wanted to fuck me. Well jeezo man.

Admittedly, I was much more intrigued with youngster #2 and even went so far as to call his bluff a few times over the next few weeks of text messaging, flirting and a little bit of dirty talk. Mostly I think he enjoyed the texting and suggestive talk. He never took me up on it – even when I offered to pick him up. In retrospect, I’m glad. Months of no sex may have impaired my judgment. As it turned out, I started having pretty regular sex within a few weeks of the 23-year-old spree, so I am glad that I didn’t do anything foolish or embarrassing.

In general, while I would consider any adult, I’m not particularly interested in most people under the age of 30. The youngest that I have slept with in the past 6 months was S28 and he was pretty lame in the sack. P29 was gorgeous, fantastic, generous, dirty & delightful and I would see him again in a hot minute! R30 is both sweet and amazing in bed and someone that I am currently seeing. I’ve turned down offers from “men” as young as 18 and dated as old as 48. The average age of my post-marital lovers is 38, however – with only about 1/3 of them being older than I and two younger than 30.

So yes, I guess I am a cougar, but I’m not an ageist and I am willing to consider all shapes, sizes, races and ages…just maybe not my friends’ kids, huh?

 

05
Apr
13

set the way, way, way back machine…

Hiya kids – your naughty Auntie was working on a second post last night, but got an unexpected call from R30 who was feeling like he was ready to come off from injured reserve. He may be feeling differently this morning though! Lord knows I may never walk again and I just slept for almost 9 hours straight. I also cut my “no intercourse for a week” restriction short by about 12 hours, but I was finally feeling up to it and it had been 10 days since I’d had any and almost a month since I’d had R30 & his fantastic combination of tongue, adoration, stamina and cock. Four times almost killed me, but the man showed up with flowers and non-latex condoms, so you have to love that. Also, he still says thank you. 🙂 Now, back to my flashback Friday post…

I want to share something rather sweet that happened last week, but in order to give you the big picture I have to tell you something that will be a little bit bitchy. Furthermore, the person that I am writing about is a follower. Yep. That’s a new one for me too. I hope that if and when he reads this he will take it with the sense of humor with which it was intended.

So…let’s go waaaaayyyy back…to 1986. There was this bad boy…and I liked him a lot. But I was still kind of a good girl. It was the age-old tale of me trying to tame the bad-boy and not understanding why he didn’t love me enough to mold to my shitty, naive, young idea of what a perfect boyfriend would be. We kissed, we “went together”, we talked on the phone, we hung out but…that’s all. And he broke up with me right before junior prom. To his credit, he was very sweet about it and I had seen it coming for a long time. He was decent enough to suggest that we could still go to prom together since we had planned to, so we did, as friends. I don’t remember very much of the prom itself, but lots of photos show that we looked hot and I remember having fun and going to at least two after-parties that I was happy to be part of. I believe that wine coolers came into play at the second party and knowing us at the time, pot probably did too. He was a lovely escort and a gentleman, but  around five am he took me home and fucked me on the floor in my living room. He has the distinction of being the second person I ever had sex with and the first person to ever come on my stomach. But he was 16 and it can’t have been more than 5 strokes and it certainly wasn’t two minutes.

So it doesn’t count.

Because, based on this experience – which, until recently, I counted as my worst, sexually – I came up with a rule: “If it’s less than two minutes you don’t have to count it.” Over the years, this has been amended to “unless you get pregnant.” Seriously, this is something that I have shared with my niece and many girlfriends forever. “He was miserable in the sack.” “Oh? Well, you know the rule – if it lasts less than 2 minutes you don’t have to count it!” 🙂

Let’s be fair – the guy was 16 and I was smokin’ hot. At least he managed to get it in unlike B36, and managed to have the control to pull out – which was pretty responsible. Leastwise it was more responsible than I was at the time – I wasn’t using any form of birth control and was both clueless and very lucky! (Also, not nearly as slutty as I am now!) Also, I must add a side note of second-hand credit to the guy – a few years later one of my friends apparently had a brief affair with him when he was in his 20’s and counts it as the best sex she’s ever had. I know we have all improved since we were fumbling, clueless kids. God knows I didn’t have any idea how to suck a dick until years after my junior prom. Still, for me, it was the typical tale of the prom date who pulls out and leaves and pretty much never speaks to you again. Oh, there was awkward chatting at that one reunion 20 years later, but seriously, we didn’t talk again until Facebook.

Even with Facebook, we didn’t really catch up or have an actual conversation until last week when I messaged him about an ignorant anti-gay marriage post that someone had put on his wall. As it happened, he was online and a chat ensued. Credit to us being confident, comfortable grown-ass adults instead of insecure, clueless teens – it was really pleasant and fun. We discussed social issues and our shared feelings about equality and LGBT rights, we talked about kids – he said I was too cute to have adult children. Nice. We talked about marriage – challenges, successes and my somewhat recent single status. I shared how terrified I had been to split from my ex – who I love dearly & who will always be a part of my life and family – but how much better we are apart. I shared how scared I was to start dating again after 25 years as a BBW and how I was shocked to find that I was not only successful, that I was popular. To which he responded: “Of course you are popular. Good looking, intelligent, articulate the whole package.”

Holy shit. I’m a middle-aged woman who doesn’t need a man to validate me, but can I just say? My 42-year-old self and my 16-year-old self shared a little fist bump in that moment. Funny thing, the human psyche. I can barely remember dating this guy, but I clearly remember feeling “not good enough” when he dropped me and man, those insecurities hang on! I felt lighter after that – like I’d released some ages-old hurt that I had been hanging on to for 26 years. Is that weird? I dunno. Maybe it was just some sort of closure that we’d never had. Huh. It was certainly nice engaging in a funny conversation and remember this person that I once knew and liked. So much so, that I shared this blog with him and received a nice message about how much he enjoys it.

So here ya go, hun. You’ve been featured. I hope I’m not over-estimating your good humor. <—- That’s the friendly, real me line. The naughty Risqué Divorcée line goes like this: “so, do you cheat on your wife as much as you did on me back in the day?” 😉




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Quickies with the Risqué Divorcée!

  • Facebook "It looks like you're at Burger King. Check in to share with your friends." Me: shut the fuck up, Facebook! 3 years ago
  • RT @amyisprettycool: Ok, who wrote the Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer #SNL sketch because they just made America great again 3 years ago
  • RT @LuvPug: My husband thinks it's so cute when I speak to him with terms of endearment like 'honey' or 'cockblocker' 3 years ago
  • RT @SondraDeeMe: I've always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must've been really difficult. 3 years ago
  • RT @joss: To everyone who keeps saying "Go back to making jokes/films/etc", WHAT DO YOU THINK WE WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING 3 years ago