Posts Tagged ‘penis

21
Nov
13

Toxic (sex) Toys?

Toxic (sex) Toys?

I loved this article and it very much pertains to me! Most sex toys are labeled as “novelties” and therefore don’t require regulation. If you are putting it on or in your body, do a little research! I also love that they “slipped in” the word “buzzword” when referencing vibrators in this article!! 🙂

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16
Apr
13

The Hair Down There

When I was a child I was obsessed with the notion of growing up and “getting hairy” – so much so that my mom, thinking it cute, even mentioned it in my baby book. As an adolescent, with Judy Bloom as my spirit guide, I couldn’t wait for my body to change – to grow boobs, to get hairy and to shed my uterine lining each month to prove that I was finally a real woman.

Now that I’m in my early 40s, I have more unwanted hair and bigger boobs than any one person should have.  I no longer have a uterus and though I’m certainly still a real woman, I find myself once again perplexed by what I can only call a “trend” in today’s sexual & grooming scene – the naked vagina.  Yes, the pube-less pubis has been “trending” for at least a decade, but it now seems to be expected rather than a “sometimes treat.”

Having come of age in the 80’s – I was pretty accustomed to big hair and this was not limited to heads and MTV videos. Remember Madonna & Vanessa Williams? Big ol’ bushes. This used to be considered sexy.

http://www.egotastic.com/photos/madonna-nude-photo-up-for-auction/early-madonna-nude-pictures-from-1979-9/

These days it seems that having hair down there is almost deemed gross or shameful. I am shocked by the number of men who actually ask me if I’m shaved before we even meet. Some seem downright obsessive about a trimmed quim.

Interestingly, the younger crowd seems even more likely to consider this the norm. About 1/4 of the men that I have slept with since I’ve been single have also been hairless. My observation is that it is a far more common practice for younger men to do.

I admit that the first time I reached down and found a shorn & stubbly scrotum during a sex act I had to stifle a giggle. That tends to be my “signature move” when dealing with something new or unexpected. I remember thinking “huh – shaved pubes, hello” and carrying on. I do think it tends to be a generational expectation. My niece assures me that shaving your vag is simply expected amongst 20-somethings, much like shaving your legs before sex. It’s just regular, required grooming. The first shaved guy I encountered was 28, the next 29.

Now, I’ve also dealt with some serious man-bush that could have used a little weed whacking, actually. For some reason this seems to be completely fine for men. I have had guys warn me or apologize because they are “pretty hairy” but they usually are referring to their back & body hair, not their pubes, specifically. Yet having a naked clam seems to be an almost an expectation. Which I guess is what bugs me. I am happy to keep things short & sweet down there, but I don’t like to shave because it makes me break out. A vaginal rash is not attractive, I assure you. I mean, maybe I’ll do a reverse landing strip from time to time but again, this is a special treat for both of us, not an everyday thing. I hate feeling obligated to shave like I’m some sort of wooly mammoth that is long since extinct.

Don’t get me started on waxing or God forbid, the popular new “vagazzle” craze. I mean do we really need to have Lee press-on twat decor? Waxing has become so popular that the salons are popping up all over the place like little nail shops. Do people really go in every couple of weeks for a wax and a little bedazzling of their woo-woo? Come on, all I want is a fill!

I guess my bottom (heh) line is this: lay off the expectation. If you are lucky enough to get there, you should be delighted just to enjoy the poon – with or without the pubes.

As someone recently tweeted: “If you can’t handle me hairy, you don’t deserve me shaved.” I guess that sums up my general position in about 530 fewer characters than this blog entry!

12
Apr
13

dick pics – I don’t get it!

Exhibitionists have been around since long before the cell phone and webcam. Even before trench-coats became the accepted symbol of a dirty guy who wanted to show you his winkie, men liked to…show you!

I mean, boners are kind of nifty, right? Just imagine if you could go into the $1 section at Target and buy a neat little toy the size of an egg-full of silly putty. After you play with that squishy little blob for awhile, it suddenly increases in size & girth until it grows to resemble a decent-size flashlight, a Monster energy drink or, if you’re lucky – a can of Pringles!  Wow! Cool toy!  Then it will even squirt stuff! Woot! Everyone would love it! Continuing the metaphor, soon everyone would have this nifty doo-dad and, as happens,  the novelty would wear off. You’d still love to play with it, but everyone’s seen it – nobody is impressed when you say “hey! Check this out! Look what I can do!”

This is pretty much how I feel about dick pics. I mean, we’ve all seen the trick already, guys! I’m not saying that you are not all uniquely special, skilled & talented, but that’s not what a photo of your meat stick shows me. You aren’t showing me your wit, kindness, humor, intelligence, stamina, social consciousness, skills at cunnilingus…you’re showing me your cock. It may truly be inspirational, but it’s really not that different from the hundreds that I have seen before. (That’s counting porn too – I’m not that big of a slut!)

Women aren’t nearly as visually stimulated as men either. But men don’t seem to care. I think that they are actually visually stimulated by themselves and their nifty “boy toy” and they love to show it off! My filthy Twitter pal, @The_Marcness recently tweeted: “Beating off to a video of you rubbing one out is like some sort of weird, perverted inception” – speaking on behalf of many men who, in my experience, like to watch themselves.

Technology has made it possible and even easy for us to share photos with each other effortlessly. Exhibitionists and voyeurs alike have found a socially acceptable outlet for watching and showing their naughty bits.  Still, there remain those “raincoat flashers” out there who just seem to get off on the thrill of the shock. It is as if they enjoy seeing what kind of reaction they can generate by sending out unsolicited dick pics and videos.

I don’t understand this. Particularly in some of the cases that I have personally experienced. We message each other through a dating site, get to know each other a little bit as human beings. Maybe we flirt or are suggestive with one another, okay. We get comfortable enough to exchange phone numbers and plan to meet up. You don’t know me yet, but if we meet and there’s chemistry, odds are that I will have sex with you. Real sex. With tongues, mouths, hands, fingers, boobs…an actual vagina. So why sour your chances by prematurely whipping out the peen?

To be clear: I’m not talking about when texting turns dirty and turns to sexting. I’m not talking about when we’re seeing each other and you send me a “thinking of you” photo. That’s different. I’m talking about the guy that wakes me up at 7am with a picture of him stroking it. Or who sends a MMS message to me and 10 others on Easter Sunday when I’m at dinner with my family.

Yeah, that guy – again! Or rather, still. This guy that I haven’t met has awakened me three times during my vacation this week by sending me nude pics of himself. This is the guy that texted at 6:21am and when I asked for no texts before 9am or after 12am got offended and said I should find someone else. Okay, fine, bye. But wait – he keeps sending me nude pics and video! All but one have been before 9am, of course – including a cock pic that woke me today. So far I have simply ignored him. I find this usually works best. Though I was sorely tempted to text back “oh, wow – it must be cold there” when his hand-held wiener pic arrived on my phone this morning. However, I have learned not to feed the trolls.

I know, I should start shutting my ringer off, but a lifetime of being the responsible friend/mom/aunt that you can call 24/7 if you need me makes me hesitant to do that. Plus I always forget to turn it off or turn it back on. Plus – would the alarm on my phone still work? Points to ponder if I don’t want to be pondering penis points in the wee-wee hours of the morning! Meanwhile, I will learn how to block numbers on my cell, but that only works if they continue to contact you from the same number. Some of these guys are crafty. I have had at least four men disable their POF accounts and then message me anew from a different account.

I haven’t even covered the men who seem to prefer having an online spank-buddy to video chat with rather than meet in person. I guess virtual sex is the safest sex possible, but I don’t understand that either!

And I think “just your tits…” has replaced the lie that used to be “just the tip!”

Okay, I’m tweeting that!




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Quickies with the Risqué Divorcée!

  • Facebook "It looks like you're at Burger King. Check in to share with your friends." Me: shut the fuck up, Facebook! 2 years ago
  • RT @amyisprettycool: Ok, who wrote the Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer #SNL sketch because they just made America great again 2 years ago
  • RT @LuvPug: My husband thinks it's so cute when I speak to him with terms of endearment like 'honey' or 'cockblocker' 2 years ago
  • RT @SondraDeeMe: I've always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must've been really difficult. 2 years ago
  • RT @joss: To everyone who keeps saying "Go back to making jokes/films/etc", WHAT DO YOU THINK WE WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING 2 years ago
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