Posts Tagged ‘relationships



24
Oct
13

‘Brad Pitt’ got fat

I caught you up on the return of Pirate Bear, so it’s only fair to catch you up on the “return” of “Brad Pitt” after I ran into him Tuesday night. Saying that we “dated” would be an overstatement, but we had fun hanging out for awhile and I really liked him, so it was good to see him alive – even if I failed to recognize him at first. He’s packed on about 20 pounds since I last saw him in May, the golden highlights he’d picked up in Afghanistan are gone from his hair – now several inches longer – which puts it well past his shoulders, and instead of a tidy goatee, he’s now wearing a full beard.

When we met in February, he caught my eye because he was my type – cute, scruffy and casually sexy. That first day, he was wearing jeans & a hockey jersey and though we flirted a bit, I figured he was too young and pretty for me. When he gave me his number and expressed clear interest with his subsequent texts, I responded positively and we started a brief affair.

The “Young Brad Pitt” nickname came from conversation with my girlfriends. He was 29 when we hooked up and other than the fact that he has brown eyes, the first time he showed up at my door he looked like a 1994 version of Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall. By the time I last saw him five months ago, he was looking like the scruffier Brad at the end of the movie – which is still pretty yummy. At that time, we were discussing the notion of moving our “relationship” from “occasional FWB/fuck buddy” to “dating” but he was really inconsistent. Sometimes we would text all night. When we were together he was attentive, complimentary, sweet and thoughtful. When we were apart, he sometimes would just drop out of the middle of a conversation and disappear. We had planned our first public outing with friends – a real date – and he essentially stood me up. He later told me that he’d been experiencing really bad panic attacks and PTSD as well as depression. I appreciated what seemed like honesty, but it didn’t change the fact that soon after he went full hermit and disappeared for nearly five months – until a few weeks ago.

The text progression on my phone shows my last text from him on May 11th, followed by a 2am text on October 9th asking how I’ve been and asking if I was at his neighborhood bar. I assumed that this was merely a closing time booty call query and was somewhat bemused. I considered not responding at all, but eventually did the following afternoon, saying that I’d been sleeping like a baby at 2am and that my formerly regular Tuesday hang-out had become pretty busy on those nights and I don’t go as often. He didn’t respond.

Interestingly, I had received a report from a girlfriend that he had been there a few weeks prior on a Tuesday night when I was off at a different place with my boyfriend. At the time I wondered if “Brad Pitt” had been looking for me. I also joked with her: “Did he get fat?! Tell me he got fat!” Well, he did. To the extent that this week, when I was out on the patio at said bar, talking to my same friend and she stopped, stared behind me and said “I thought that was D” I said “no, that’s T’s friend, B.” The person walking in the door looked familiar, but I didn’t recognize him as the guy that I’d been fucking for three months this past spring.

He was decked out like the Kevin Smith character, Silent Bob – complete with trench coat, beard, long hair and backwards Mooby hat from Dogma. I heard a couple of guys shout “hey, Silent Bob! What’s up!” A few minutes later, my friend had gone home and he walked out onto the patio, greeted some people, looked straight at me and said “hey, how you doing?” Even then, I still thought he was the other guy…for a minute. That’s how different he looked! I even went back into the bar for a second drink without speaking further to him – but as I passed and heard his voice I felt like an idiot! I came back out a few minutes later and sought him out – I mean, I didn’t want it to seem like I was pretending to ignore him or playing games. He said “hey, you never texted me back the other day!” I said that I had, then showed him my phone with the text. He then apologized, saying that his phone had been acting weird and texts were really slow – he said he hadn’t sent the text at 2am, but that he had sent a bunch of texts to his “karaoke buddies” earlier in the evening to see if anyone was going out.

We chatted for quite awhile and he acknowledged that his PTSD and panic attacks had been really bad and he was trying to force himself to go out. Several times he mentioned trying to be healthier, wanting to lose 30 pounds and how he’d been riding his bike and working out. Okay, duly noted. We talked about his 30th birthday last month, how that really sucked for him and we casually chatted about movies, music and such neutral topics. When he asked what I’ve been up to I talked about work, my summer and the fact that I’m seeing someone pretty seriously – but that it’s a poly relationship. We briefly talked about that and it was interesting to gauge his reaction. Part of me wanted to know if he would still be interested in seeing me if I was seeing someone else. The fact that he made some noises about getting together again and that we exchanged some more texts yesterday seems to indicate a strong…maybe…

The rest of the maybe is with me. I’m so over the moon with my current guy that I’m struggling with the notion of being poly at all. I haven’t been dating for awhile and I took my OKCupid profile down – at least for now. I haven’t really been sexually aroused by another man since Whimsy & I got serious. I did make out with a new guy but then I called it off before it went further. It hadn’t felt hot or sexy – it felt awkward.

“Silent Brad” could be a different matter. I like him, we’re very compatible in bed, he has his own place and he’s not looking for a relationship. I know he can curl my toes and I’m attracted to him – because let’s face it, Kevin Smith is pretty hot too, right?

There’s a big part of me that just wants to be monogamous with Whimsy to see if we could be successful at that. I think we could be, but there’s another part of me that rebels at the thought of being one of his “harem” and waiting to see if he’s willing to take a risk with me. We’re really good where we are, but it feels somewhat weird that he is seeing other people while I am not. I’m not sure that this inequity is reason enough for me to date, but it’s something that feels out of alignment.

Meanwhile, my options are open as long as my relationship is.

22
Oct
13

Once I had a blog

Jesus. I used to have a blog.

Now I have…

  • A Facebook addiction. Hey, I’m level 31 on Game of Thrones & always in the top two on Bejeweled Blitz! 😉
  • Football season. It happens every fall – the NFL takes over my life.
  • A messy house, unfolded laundry & a constantly neglected “to do” list.
  • Friends that need me. These amazing people were there for me when my marriage was falling apart, my life was in the toilet and I was terrified. I worked hard at making sure that they were not neglected while I was in the intense early stages of this new relationship. Now, as I’ve settled into a more domestic stage of what has become a passionate love affair, I continue to work at maintaining, nurturing & protecting friendships. I’ve made the mistake of being too insular in the past and have blown off friends, family and other interests because I was focusing on my new love and ignoring everything else. I’m trying to be balanced and not lose the rest of the life that I value so much just because I’m in love with a man that I’m kinda giddy crazy about.

And oh yeah, I have…

A relationship. I mean, it’ really great. Really. But it’s moved fast and in unexpected directions. It’s tough to maintain what has primarily been a dating blog when I’m really only seeing one man right now. But there are still interesting stories that haven’t been told – bits & pieces that I have been experiencing and saving but not sharing because most nights I spend time continuing the discovery of this amazing man. And having mind-blowing sex. God DAMN the sex is great. I thank all the powers that be for a smart, funny, generous, big-cocked man with a decent sex drive who is really into ME! Thank you! Thank you! I like to think that karma brought him to me because I deserve it! Lord knows that I do!

Gushing aside, nothing is perfect. I have my frustrations, insecurities and areas for growth that I need to work on. This blog has been a great tool for working out my stuff and I’ve been neglecting it – which is just dumb. Writing for the blog is much like writing for a personal diary, but since there actually is an audience (however small you may be,) I find that I really make an effort to condense my thoughts and find a denouement or at least some sort of summary/life lesson to wrap things up. Even a bit of humor can really tie the room together and give me perspective. Having not written here in over a month, I find that without a sounding board, I get a little too introspective and tend to over-think things. This is my first new primary relationship in…26 years. I’m trying to learn from past mistakes and am forging a new path into this love. I’m discovering myself as much as I am my man.

Also, I am rather fond of my Risqué Divorcée persona. That bitch is fun, frisky & fearless! I need to tap into that bold, confident part of myself more often!

13
Sep
13

dating others while in a committed relationship

I guess this one could fall into the “thinking vs. over-thinking” category in my “future topics” list. I’ve sure been thinking about it a lot!

I have a boyfriend that I love like crazy. He makes me laugh, he’s generally kind and thoughtful, the sex is frequent & phenomenal, he expresses himself well, he’s sexy as hell, smart, cute & suitable to take out in public – that is, my friends really like him too. He’s a good man. He’s even met my kids and they like him too.

This weekend he moved a bunch of his stuff into my place, where he’s effectively been staying for the past three weeks. (Hey, when a man moves his computer gaming rig into your house it’s serious, right?) I want him here. I love having him here. I thought it would be difficult to bring someone into my space – my sanctuary – but it hasn’t been. He really fits here. He fits in my life.

But…

Well, is it a “but” even? This is the part I’m having a hard time with. He’s poly. He has two other girlfriends. This really isn’t a problem for me and I rather enjoy having “me time” when he is away spending time with them. Not being together 24/7 seems healthy.

But…do I want to date other people? I hadn’t for awhile while I was flying on the new relationship energy with my guy, Whimsy. The thing is? I have felt that new, crazy zing easing, but what I’ve discovered in its place is a really solid, deep and abiding love. I can imagine being monogamous with this man & I can absolutely imagine him being in my life forever.

But…

I don’t want to be just prong on his poly pitchfork while he dives into any haystack that catches his fancy. An equitable relationship would allow for both of us to date. We both absolutely agree this to be true, I’m just sort of struggling with how to advance that and whether I want to. Yes, there’s a part of me that just wants to close up our relationship and just enjoy that gooey squishiness that goes with being a newly committed couple. We’re really enjoying our sweet domesticity right now, but there’s a sort of oddness to advancing our relationship to living together without even being “Facebook official” as a couple, you know?

Interestingly, the other night, in bed, after some rather intense physical and emotional intimacy, my fella, while stroking my back, said “I love you very much. You make me believe that a monogamous, non-poly relationship could be possible.” (Squee!!!) Well, Jesus…are you in my head again? I see the possibility too. I just don’t know how we would transition to it or whether we even should. Don’t get me wrong, my heart flipped all over in my chest when he said it, I just don’t know if it’s something we can or even want to do. I think that I’m at the point that if he asked I would be willing to try and see how it goes.

But…

We can’t overlook the other women in his life. His loyalty to them has always been attractive to me. I don’t exactly see him throwing them over anytime soon. This must happen in poly as with monogamous relationships though, right? Two people find each other and want to give it a go and other people get hurt? I just haven’t been a party to that sort of action since I was 15. Rejected? Yes. The woman that someone’s lover dumped them for? Never.

We both also have active profiles on OkCupid and I know that both of us have had recent interactions with new people there. Could we pull off monogamy? I’ve had a few former suitors sniffing around lately as well as one very enthusiastic new fellow. But I’m having some trouble getting too excited about them, really. The “older” guys have all managed to take a comfy place in the “friend zone” – all by their choice or actions, may I add. C43 – “The Librarian” had sex with me one time in November, 2012 and put me in the FZ soon after. We’ve been date-like companions on & off since then. He sent me a text on Tuesday suggesting that we should get together. Hmmm. M41 is the little Pirate Bear and we’ve talked about him recently. He’s kind of a mess but we’ve spent some recent time together and he’s taken to emailing me a couple of times a week. P29 is “Brad Pitt 1994” and he broke our date then went dark soon afterwards in late May. He apparently showed up at my regular Tuesday night hang-out this week. Interestingly, I wasn’t there because I went with my E38 Whimsy to an event he had, but I got a text from a friend letting me know that he’d showed up alone and stayed for awhile. Granted, this isn’t the same as calling me up and asking me out, but I suspect that he went there expecting to see me. Hmmm. R33 is the new guy – haven’t met him & he doesn’t yet have a nickname. He’s really interested and seems pretty nice and interesting.

But…

But. What do I want to do? Well, I guess the answer is not to over-think it, but to enjoy it. If Whimsy & I decide to change the parameters of our relationship, we will. Meanwhile, what’s between us is fantastic and I enjoy it immensely. If I decide that I want to see other people, I will. Some of these “friend zone” guys might even be decent candidates because it could be casual, comfortable and friendly without relationship pressures. I already have a relationship & it’s pretty great. We’re figuring it out and having a hell of a lot of fun in the process.

 

06
Sep
13

The Return of Pirate Bear

I covered the “Little Pirate Bear” in the blog entry “Getting Dumped by Someone I Wasn’t even Attracted to in the First Place” back in June. (https://risquedivorcee.com/2013/06/18/getting-dumped-by-someone-i-wasnt-even-attracted-to-in-the-first-place/) Essentially, this is a guy that I started getting pretty interested in and spent two sex-drenched weekends with in May before he started dating someone who was not okay with him seeing other people. He dropped me like a hot potato at the beginning of June.

Well, sometime in August he resurfaced. He had the good sense to start communication with an apology. That’s always a good idea when someone has treated you somewhat shabbily, which he admitted that he had. The thing is, I understand being smitten with someone and making concessions for them or wanting to concentrate on that relationship. I feel myself doing a bit of that myself these days.

However, Pirate Bear’s gal, from what he’s since explained, was pretty demanding and controlling and wouldn’t even “allow” him to break things off with me in person, as he had wanted to. Of course, he allowed himself to be bossed around by someone he’d known for a week, so he’s equally culpable. Regardless, they essentially moved in with each other and she seems to have proven herself to be cuckoo for cocoa puffs and he proved himself to be spineless and easily swayed by the opinions of others. Swell.

So where does the Risqué Divorcée come into play? Pretty much when shit hits the fan and the man decides he needs a rebound, I guess. I’d love to be able to say that he finally wised up and realized what he’d given up – and that may even be slightly true – but I think the man simply needs a woman to boss him around. My dad was like that. Completely adrift after my mom died – no clue what to do with himself without her guidance. I shared this with little bear when I finally agreed to meet him for a drink.

I have to admit that I was surprised when I answered the door upon his arrival. He really looked good. It had been a couple of months since I’d seen him and he appeared to have lost about 20# and was rocking some scruffy facial hair that really worked for him. Overall, he looked much more like someone that I would find physically attractive – which I hadn’t initially.

Our “date” was a lot of catching up and often felt like a therapy session. I basically told him that I forgave him (he apologized profusely and often,) and that he needed to stop beating himself up. I also said he needed to do some things for HIMSELF and not just for whomever he was dating. I told him to get a spine and to rely on himself, his interests, his kids for happiness rather than seeking it in others. I told him he needed to get his shit together before we even tried to see each other romantically – and that he had time to do that because he would be in the “penalty box” for awhile anyway! Oh, also he cried on my patio. For real. Tears. Yeah, the guy was kind of a mess & more than I was willing to take on. I don’t need anymore “projects” – I’m already working on myself!

I did agree to meet him a second time and we went to the movies and sort of held hands a bit, but no smoochies. He came back to my place and helped me fold laundry – which is weird, but was a companionable activity while we chatted. He teased me about actually putting stuff away and followed me into my bedroom with a pile of clothes. I thought: “aw, man…don’t make a pass…” and he sort of did, but it was awkward enough to deflect. Also, horrifyingly hilarious!

So, following some frank conversation about tough topics including sex and being friendly with ex-lovers (and with an armload of my folded clothes,) he said “so, you know, speaking of that, after we ah, spent those weekends together, I realized it had been awhile and I was having some trouble so I decided to go to the VA and get checked out. They did all the testing and such – full blood work panel and everything – all the bells and whistles…and ah, anyway…as it turns out…what?”

Apparently the look on my face defined “aghast” because he stopped dead in the middle of his story to ask what was wrong. Calmly, I said “and what did you find out?” He then said that he found out that some medication he was taking for blood pressure had caused his erectile dysfunction and that he switched meds so “everything’s working great now!” Woo-hoo! I then expelled the breath that I had been holding and he finally clued in to the fact that his awkward rambling about blood tests and such had made me worried that he was going to deliver some horrible news about an STD. Jesus.

I’d finally got him to quit apologizing and here he went again! I did have the grace to laugh about it in short order and I think it’s funny now anyway!

We met again for a movie last week and it was very “friend zone” – part of that is the fact that I don’t trust that he won’t do the exact same thing again if he finds someone better suited. Part of it is the fact that I am seeing someone else that I am really crazy about and I’m finding it difficult to get enthusiastic about other men right now. I have decided that I am going to do some more dating, but that’s a subject for another blog!

29
Aug
13

Upcoming topics

Yes! There will be some! My schedule changes next week and I have quite a few blogs backlogged in my head right now. Here’s what’s coming up:

  • “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger” the ex drops a bomb that would have wiped me out not too long ago. I discover I don’t give a shit anymore.
  • “What Are You Afraid Of?”a very good question, posed by my boyfriend. Worthy of consideration and thoughtful contemplation.
  • “Butt Stuff” we haven’t talked about sex in awhile, have we? Let’s.
  • “Purging Drama” part of separating, divorcing & building a new life is letting go of the drama, co-dependency and unhealthy associations that drain you. This includes “friends” who demand too much.
  • “Overthinking vs. Thinking”something I struggle with.
  • “Bring Your A Game” does being in a poly relationship pressure you to be your best self all the time because you are always sort of “competing” for time & attention? Should it? Is this a bad thing?
  • “The Return of Little Pirate Bear” he’s back. Sorta. Not sure if he’s staying.
  • “Crossing the Streams” the pros & cons of knowing your lover’s other loves.
27
Aug
13

Living in Sin

This morning when I was showering I experienced a little thrilling jolt – seeing his razor hanging next to mine in the shower caddy. My heart gave a little leap and my face lit up with one of those stupid “love” smiles that you see in jewelry commercials & on the faces of babies as they pass gas.

I like seeing his stuff at my place. I like having him beside me – literally & figuratively & metaphorically in the form of his black & green razor hanging next to my pink one. I love having him in my bed – waking up at 3am for some loving and then falling asleep in each others arms. The past few weeks of his “encroachment” at my invitation have been fun, exciting and mostly very comfortable.

But do I want it always? Always & forever are nearly as foreign as “only” and “exclusively” in the polyamorous construct. I’m not really sure why.  Why, for example, should “many loves” mean “many short-term, intense affairs”? Often the books, blogs & articles that I read about poly cite examples of people cycling through romances if not casually…well, frequently. I’m pretty sure that’s not my ideal model either.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve cycled pretty hard & fast this past year as well, but I’m not talking about casual fucks. I’m talking about relationships. Loves. I’m not very comfortable cycling through those people or discarding people that have meant a lot to me. Oh, it happens – I get fed up with drama, someone moves, has a baby, gets involved in a new relationship – friendships change and sometimes fade. But loves?

I often say that I am a great ex because I don’t ever stop loving someone. I’m really loyal and even if someone has hurt me and is unhealthy for me, I still have good memories with them and recognize the good qualities about them that made me fall in love with them. As I said in past blogs, I’m a lover!

Which can be dangerous, right? I’ve struggled mightily this past year and a half to find myself, define myself, be self-sufficient and strong. I don’t want to lose that. I realize that moving forward into a cohabitation or near-cohabitation with someone is a huge step and also a bit sudden. I promise I’m not too love-struck or blinded by the cock. I’m actually giving it a lot of consideration.

I’m trying to not make the same mistakes…

16
Aug
13

First world “problems” – am I looking for trouble?

Let me start by saying that I am very happy right now. I am absolutely loving the relationship that I have going on with E38 “Working-class Whimsy”. Really. There’s so much good stuff going on – both in and out of the bedroom and I’ve got a shit-eating grin on my face all the time. Happy.

I know we still have another month or so before the new relationship energy starts to cool and we figure out how to stand on our feet relationship-wise without the crazy ZING! that exists during those first few months. I’m not expecting things to get bad, I just know that they change after the newness wears off. Reality.

Meanwhile, I think about him all the time. When will I see him? What did he text? Where is he now? I think about him and smile or shiver at a sweet or sexy moment. I have it really bad. Seriously.

So what about dating? My past poly experience, for the most part, involved having and being a primary partner while engaging in secondary relationships at the same time. No doubt we made epic mistakes, but (at least in theory) my then-spouse and I were a partnered pair who were having other loves that weren’t the central focus of our family and life. I’ve never really been…what I am now – which is one of three girlfriends of a really fantastic man. It feels a little weird.

For example, I have been seeing “whimsy” often enough and the sex has been exceptional enough that I could easily be content having him be my only lover. As much as I enjoy variety – he manages to provide it along with plenty of orgasms too. I’m not bored. I may be lazy though – dating can be work and I guess I haven’t felt much like doing it since this man came into my life. I barely answer my messages on OKCupid and have only gone out with one other man.

I’m trying to figure out if that’s simply because I’m enjoying the newness of this relationship (now almost three months old,) or because of the love & affection that I have for this fella or…what exactly. Maybe I’m expecting it to turn into a monogamous situation. Maybe I’m just at the end of my post-separation “slut phase” – which most people say lasts about a year. Maybe all of the above.

I just haven’t felt like dating other men. And that’s a little weird for me. I mean, being part of a 3 woman, one man poly “branch” is just a little too “sister-wives” looking for me. It feels like it should be very patriarchal – even though it’s not because our man is very centered on his women, liberal, feminist & a great communicator. (Jesus – are we an “N”? Someone who knows poly terms help me out here!)

So herein lies the “problem” that only exists in my head. Should I be dating other people? I talked to E38 Whimsy about it and he obviously has no objections (it’s not that sort of a relationship,) and he understood my angst about it. He said “you’re worried that you’re not still poly if you’re only with me? Well, let me ask you this – if a fisherman isn’t on a boat is he still a fisherman?”

Is it any wonder that I’m crazy about this guy?

 

21
Jul
13

The man that helps me believe in polyamory makes me think about monogamy

I woke up an hour and a half before my alarm today with the intention of blogging. I had coffee. I had some food. I decided that I couldn’t type while eating so I went to Facebook. I played some games. I commented, liked, lurked…played more games. I finally opened this blog window as my alarm was going off. Oh, I know avoidance when I see it. Yes, yes I do. I have been avoiding you.

I find this self-awareness to be interesting despite any real effort on my part to actually change the behavior. I know what I’m avoiding and yet I’m fairly content to allow myself to do so. It’s like leaving dishes in the sink. I know they’re there but I’m a grown-ass adult and I can leave my dishes in the sink if I so choose. Right?! Adult!

Okay, fine, fine! I was on vacation in the boondocks for a week and then came home sick too – so let me add a legitimate excuse to the pile of rationalizations.

I have observed that if I really like a man that I am seeing that it is difficult to blog about him. I find that I am all about bravado, humor and being bawdy and not so great at being soft, squishy & vulnerable. It doesn’t really take a therapist to figure out my defense mechanisms for self-protection. Oh sure, when you start seeing someone that you really like you get swamped with new relationship energy – you start seeing each other a lot and let everything fall to the wayside. Friends, dishes, blogs…  But as that eases a bit, I find myself having even more of a struggle starting to tell the tale. It becomes like catching up on overdue homework – a seemingly insurmountable obstacle! Jeez, I’m still talking about why I haven’t written. Start writing already!!

He’s E38 and I decided to call him Working-class Whimsy because he’s an artist, smart, well-spoken, well-read and has interesting perspective, but he also comes from a very blue-collar background and works a project management job in the construction industry. He could also be “chameleon” because he manages to sort of fit into lots of settings and also pull off several different looks – something that I mentioned to him in my first response on OKCupid. He messaged me saying that he was attracted and that we seemed to have shared interests and that I should respond if I felt the same. I looked at this goofy, funky, artistic, sexy man who described himself as a poly starving artist with a twisted sense of humor and thought “oh yes…”

I think our first phone call was seven hours. I loved his honesty, openness and matter-of-fact frankness. No bullshit. Direct. I even broke one of my cardinal rules and engaged in a bit of phone sex at the end of our marathon chat session. The conversation had turned to sex in an offhand “what do you like” sort of way and it was clear that both of us were going to hang up and go rub one out. I sent a text after our call ended and asked if he wanted me to “talk him off” and called him back. As it turned out, he did most of the talking. Man, he talks very, very well. I told him that I knew we were going to have a lot of fun. And so far we have.

Our schedules didn’t match up until Memorial Day largely because I was seeing the “Teddy Bear Pirate” that weekend and engaging in lots and lots of sex with him. By the the time Whimsy and I got together on Monday I was sore and raw from being worked over all weekend. We were planning to have lunch somewhere near a shopping area a few miles away from my place where he was looking at electronics. I had to use the bathroom so I went into the mega electronics store and texted him that I was there. He found me. (Not in the bathroom! After!) Now, you hear about sparks flying and chemistry and love at first sight, right? Well, I’m too old and jaded for that bullshit, but there was something instantly…comfortable from the start. As we fell into step in the store it felt like we should have already been holding hands. Natural. Relaxed. There was a feeling of “oh, hey – there you are. I know you.” We just sort of clicked.

Being ever the romantic, our next stop was the hardware store next door for wasp spray. Sexy, huh? As I said, there was a general degree of casual comfort from the get-go. When we discussed lunch, we opted for a place in town and I drove us both there in my car. We ate and fell into easy conversation. As the meal neared the end he started asking what I wanted to do next. He noted that the weather was too poor to take a walk and said that we could see a movie – though he acknowledged that wasn’t very social. I thanked him for the movie invitation but declined, saying that I would much rather talk with him more.

We opted to leave the restaurant and figure out what to do next. While crossing the parking lot, he asked me what I wanted to do and I said “what do you want to do?” He then stopped, put his hand on my hip, pulled me to him and planted a very serious kiss on me. Stroking my face, he said “that is what I wanted to do.” A minute later, while getting in the car, he chuckled and said “I wanted to make sure that you knew I was interested.” I laughed and said that since he didn’t check the time and say he needed to get going and kept asking what I wanted to do next that I figured he was interested. I said that I was too and indicated that I would really like to hang out and talk some more. We discussed where to go and I finally said “look, we could go to my place, but if we do we’ll probably wind up in bed – not that that’s a bad thing, but I had company all weekend and am actually really fucked out, so…”

Yeah, classy, right? Or just refreshingly honest? I had had sex something like eleven times and was absolutely aching. I didn’t want our first time to be “oooh, ah…ow” you know? So he said he would be fine with just talking or maybe even watching a movie. We came to my place and talked for about an hour…before we wound up in bed.

Okay, look…the sex? It was nothing short of spectacular. Goddamn! I feel like I’m constantly saying that I’m having the best sex of my life but that’s only because it’s true! I mean, there have certainly been some duds during the past few months but mostly it’s been GREAT! Well, here I go – once again crowing a new “best ever” man. Oh, I can’t base it solely on our first several times (that all happened that first day/night/next morning – yow!) because we’ve probably had sex fifty more times since then and it continues to be exceptional.

I’m simply enjoying someone who is a very excellent match for me, sexually. He’s great at sensing and responding – sometimes being achingly slow and sensual, sometimes being rough & commanding, sometimes letting me take charge, sometimes overwhelming my senses with an orgasmic onslaught. He loves to eat ass and pussy and is truly gifted in the art forms. He goes crazy when his ass is rimmed – something I’d never done before but find to be unobjectionable and very rewarding when he goes completely wild in response. Also, he has an absolutely perfect cock. Just right. Bonus!

E38/Whimsy is poly and has two other girlfriends. Our attitude & philosophy in this area is very similar and we’ve talked openly about it quite a bit. He’s great at communicating and scheduling and I’ve felt absolutely cherished, satisfied and appreciated these past couple of months. He helps me believe that polyamory can work between smart, caring, honest, mature, responsible adults. Right now it’s really, really working for us. And yet, all this ooey, gooey squishy, lovey new relationship energy has me occasionally thinking “hmmm…what would it be like if we were exclusive?” That’s a lifetime of monogamy training talking combined with a man that I am incredibly compatible with and very smitten by. It’s also a whole other topic worth exploring…maybe next time!

xo

RD

14
May
13

The Rest of the Story…

This is the continuation of the story about “Suave” (S42) and what happened after I accepted his indecent proposal.

I had indicated that I was getting a pretty strong sense of “too good to be true” from this guy, right? He had displayed some hesitations and reservations that I had simply chocked up to our newness with each other, our “arrangement” and his particular interest. But we I wasn’t imagining the part where we really got along. Or that he enjoyed our interlude, for that matter. He messaged me afterwards thanking me and saying that he couldn’t wait until “next time”. In turn, I messaged him thanks as well and said that while I was all for his plan to spoil me and make me more selfish that I would also be willing to have finished him by other means. Immediately, I received a text on my phone saying:

What other means? Just curious.

Well, I think about 2.5 more minutes in my mouth would have done the trick and that’s where I was headed with it, initially.

Would have been quite content to fuck you too.

Or, I suspect…given your enthusiasm for curves…that you might have liked to come on my tits.

Or, you know…I’m open to suggestion. 😉 

Oh wow. Yes. All of the above. Ha

Damn

Damn what? Damn it’s too bad you didn’t take a different option or damn those are good suggestions?

Or damn something altogether different?

Damn…that’s hot. Tonight was exactly what I wanted

Good. I liked it. It’s good for me to practice selfish therapy.

Yup. Anytime

Reeeeee-ally? Because I could *so* see you being part of my regular playlist! 😀

Ha. Cool

I mention needing to get something to eat and I go have dinner. An hour later he messages me again:

You’re very good at that, btw

At what? 😉

Giving head

Good. Glad you approve.

Ha. Of course. 🙂

And may I say? Back atcha!

Good. Thank you

Oh no, thank YOU

You were sooo wet

Heh. Yeah, that happens when I am suitably persuaded. 🙂

And so we messaged for the next few weeks. Yes, about my needing to learn to spoil myself & be selfish (as well as his interest in doing the spoiling,) and about work, friends, life, TV, gambling, games. He asked me about what kind of wine I like and what kind of coffee is my favorite. We talked about the sorts of “bachelor dinners” that we make for ourselves. I send him some pictures of Star Wars lithographs that I saw, he tells me how he recently got naked at the gym & realized that he was wearing Star Wars boxers. We talk about getting together again, but he reveals that he’s been kinda sick, but he keeps messaging, so it’s not a “we fucked and now I’m going to tell you I’m sick to blow you off” kind of deal. We messaged for about a week. He apologized for not being able to follow up. Messages are steady every day or two until the 12th day after we’d hooked up. I sent a brief text asking if he’s still alive. He replied “Yes, barely.” I rambled on a bit about the flu going around and how I’m going to hear a friend’s Jazz combo. He doesn’t reply. But it was Friday night and I figured he was probably otherwise engaged. Given the number of texts that we’d been exchanging and the regularity of them, I wasn’t concerned about getting dumped and I was certain that he liked me. I also wasn’t concerned about the notion that he was seeing other people. I certainly was and we’d been pretty clear about that. In fact, I was seeing quite a few people. Which makes the rest of the story even funnier.

Four days had passed since I last heard from him. This was a bit unusual, but I just assumed that he’d had a busy weekend, like me. Late Monday night found me messaging with a new romantic interest. We had just made the leap from messaging to exchanging phone numbers and he wanted to talk on the phone. About a minute into my first phone call with a delightful & interesting new guy, I got a text message from an unknown number in an unfamiliar area code. The message said “U don’t know me. But I found out about u the hard way –sent from Textfree.” Bummer. Crappy spam at 12:45am. I ignored it. Fifteen minutes later, my phone blew up with texts. Seven in a row.

In summary, the woman who messaged me explained that she had been dating a man for over a year that I met online. They had been intimate and he told her that they were monogamous. She loves him, he confessed & is going to therapy. She’s known him since 7th grade. This is devastating. He says he’s done. When was the last time he contacted me? She’s not interested in revenge or drama. He’s deeply depressed & she’s worried about him. Some of the things he told her about our encounters (note the plural,) “ysh! I’m not going to go there!” She wants me to answer yes or no & when. (Um, what?)

Meanwhile, I should remind you that I was on the phone with the new guy. Obviously our call was being disrupted by these multiple texts from this randomly ranting lady. Being the honest person that I am and not wanting to be rude to the new guy, I told him what was going on. He was amused and generally nonplussed, which was good. We talked about stalkers and weirdos that we had encountered during our online dating and I admitted that this was a first for me.

Back to the “no revenge, no drama” lady that’s been texting me. I finally responded.

Ok. Not sure if I believe you aren’t after drama when you send me 7 anonymous texts at 1am, but you have my attention. Who are you talking about?

This is followed up with 24 additional texts – and I only responded once saying that I didn’t get the photo that she claimed to have sent. I had to laugh when she told me the first name of the man she was talking about because I happened to have been involved with four men with that name during the previous three months. I was able to safely eliminate two of them from possibility. She confirmed which of the other two I suspected she meant by mentioning his being a Star Wars fanatic. Yep, I know that guy, but still I say nothing as she spews. Generally, the messages were about holding him accountable & his deception. She loves him, she forgives him, she wants him to get help. She appealed to my sympathy and changed tactics a little bit, and mentioning that she was a mom who had been going through cancer the past three years. She said that she was concerned for her safety and wanted to know if we had had unprotected sex. I guess she was expecting to make me mad or jealous when she told me how the other women had been so nice and cooperative. She told me he’d been sleeping with men. I guess I was supposed to be shocked and also feel betrayed and to suddenly become her compatriot in fury. Me? I was mostly just laughing and trying to talk to the new guy on the phone.  I still hadn’t responded and she started getting a bit nasty – making snide remarks about how SHE wasn’t the one with anything to HIDE. (Oh yes – she’d started using all caps.) Then, responding to my earlier message that she was texting anonymously, she messaged me her full name and phone number. Well heck, that’s interesting, right? She accused me of texting him instead of messaging her back. THEN she got personal – sending me a screen shot of one of the many private conversations that “Suave” and I had shared. Particularly the one where he had said that he liked that I sort of looked like a wholesome soccer mom and he loved the idea of driving me wild with passion. I had debunked that by sharing some very private information and she happened to have captured a good chunk of it in the pic she sent me. Then she said “well, good luck with the soccer mom thing then.” I was getting pissed. Then she said how unpleasant it was to see my naked pictures. Well, I knew for a damn fact that the only way there would be any naked pictures of me was if he took some without my knowledge. I didn’t think this was likely, but I realized that it was possible.

Meanwhile, trying to talk to my new friend while 31 texts chimed their arrival was getting to be silly. I apologized, asked if he was going to be up for awhile and said “I’m bout to go END a bitch.” I confirmed that it was okay to call him later and he said that I had better call him & tell him what happened!

So I called up Ms. Angel Rodriguez* (*you know by now that I don’t use real names, right?) She answered and knew my real first name. I barely got a word in before she launched into her life story. It seemed like she was riding on a huge adrenaline dump because I think that she talked for about 10 minutes solid without stopping. I asked if they lived together. She said no, she’s been living with her parents because one has cancer & the other has kidney disease. She’s been going through cancer treatment too. I stop her. I tell her that if she and other members of her household are immuno-suppressed or have low white count that she needs to be really careful and to protect herself. I mention “Suave” having told me that he was sick. She admits that she thinks she gave him the flu. (Hey – he was telling me the truth about that – cool.) After she admits that they aren’t exclusive, she says that they have been having unprotected sex for about 15 months. I suggest that she’s smart enough to know that she shouldn’t be bare-backing with someone that she knows is not being faithful to her. Particularly if she is at-risk. She agrees. As a courtesy, I tell her that we have not had unprotected sex but that we have “fooled around” and that I’ve never been to his place (which is where the naked photos that she found were set.) When she asks when the last time he contacted me was I say “recently, but not the past few days.” Apparently the shit hit the fan with her two days prior to her messaging me. That explains the “dead air” from Suave.

Ultimately, I tell her that she needs to take care of her own shit and that Suave was never dishonest with me. He told me that he had other lovers. Her relationship with him really isn’t my business and I don’t need to be further involved with any ongoing drama. She apologizes for imposing on me, thanks me for the talk. Tells me that I will find someone because I’m such a great person! She calls me “hun” and “sweetie” and tells me to take care of myself.

I was ready to go hardcore on this chick 10 minutes earlier and by the time we’re done I feel like she’s about to invite me for coffee. In fact, she messages me the next afternoon thanking me again and telling me that I need to kiss a few frogs but she knows I will find my prince! Aaaawwwww….okay, fuck off now. 🙂 She thanks me for my compassion and tells me that I saved her sanity. Yeah, well, glad I could help I guess. So weird, right?!?

Meanwhile, I have been considering whether or not to contact Suave and let him know about this. It certainly sounds like he knows, but I’m a bit pissed that he’s allowed my private information to be compromised and used in this fashion. On the other hand, as I said, he didn’t lie to me and gave me exactly what he said he would – lots of orgasms and lots of spoiling. No harm, no foul. Finally, I come up with the perfect way to both fuck with him and check his honesty & humor at the same time. I send him the following message:

So, Angel seems really nice. Suppose she’d be down for a three-way? 😉  Man, that was sure interesting…

His response was immediate and I can almost hear him sputtering through the text:

Who? No. Please. I’m sorry but I have to stop emailing with you. Ugh. I’m sorry.

I like how he tried to deny it for about a half a second and then just gave up. I also like that he said “I’m sorry” often. I opted to let him off the hook. Seriously? If this gorgeous, generous, attentive man is a sex addict whose kink is pleasuring “soccer moms” and “women with curves” who the hell am I to make him feel bad about that? He deserves a fucking trophy! I respond:

It’s all good. Apology accepted. It was a little weird at 1:00 am but you were honest with me and I personally bear no responsibility for your relationship with her. That’s on you, man. Take care, be well & best wishes. 🙂

I regret that I didn’t say something relating to Star Wars. Just to remind him what he’d be missing, right? 😉

He agreed, thanked me, apologized again & that was three months ago and the last time I heard from either “Suave” or his “Angel” and my new guy was highly amused – particularly about the follow-up text that I sent! 😉

12
Apr
13

dick pics – I don’t get it!

Exhibitionists have been around since long before the cell phone and webcam. Even before trench-coats became the accepted symbol of a dirty guy who wanted to show you his winkie, men liked to…show you!

I mean, boners are kind of nifty, right? Just imagine if you could go into the $1 section at Target and buy a neat little toy the size of an egg-full of silly putty. After you play with that squishy little blob for awhile, it suddenly increases in size & girth until it grows to resemble a decent-size flashlight, a Monster energy drink or, if you’re lucky – a can of Pringles!  Wow! Cool toy!  Then it will even squirt stuff! Woot! Everyone would love it! Continuing the metaphor, soon everyone would have this nifty doo-dad and, as happens,  the novelty would wear off. You’d still love to play with it, but everyone’s seen it – nobody is impressed when you say “hey! Check this out! Look what I can do!”

This is pretty much how I feel about dick pics. I mean, we’ve all seen the trick already, guys! I’m not saying that you are not all uniquely special, skilled & talented, but that’s not what a photo of your meat stick shows me. You aren’t showing me your wit, kindness, humor, intelligence, stamina, social consciousness, skills at cunnilingus…you’re showing me your cock. It may truly be inspirational, but it’s really not that different from the hundreds that I have seen before. (That’s counting porn too – I’m not that big of a slut!)

Women aren’t nearly as visually stimulated as men either. But men don’t seem to care. I think that they are actually visually stimulated by themselves and their nifty “boy toy” and they love to show it off! My filthy Twitter pal, @The_Marcness recently tweeted: “Beating off to a video of you rubbing one out is like some sort of weird, perverted inception” – speaking on behalf of many men who, in my experience, like to watch themselves.

Technology has made it possible and even easy for us to share photos with each other effortlessly. Exhibitionists and voyeurs alike have found a socially acceptable outlet for watching and showing their naughty bits.  Still, there remain those “raincoat flashers” out there who just seem to get off on the thrill of the shock. It is as if they enjoy seeing what kind of reaction they can generate by sending out unsolicited dick pics and videos.

I don’t understand this. Particularly in some of the cases that I have personally experienced. We message each other through a dating site, get to know each other a little bit as human beings. Maybe we flirt or are suggestive with one another, okay. We get comfortable enough to exchange phone numbers and plan to meet up. You don’t know me yet, but if we meet and there’s chemistry, odds are that I will have sex with you. Real sex. With tongues, mouths, hands, fingers, boobs…an actual vagina. So why sour your chances by prematurely whipping out the peen?

To be clear: I’m not talking about when texting turns dirty and turns to sexting. I’m not talking about when we’re seeing each other and you send me a “thinking of you” photo. That’s different. I’m talking about the guy that wakes me up at 7am with a picture of him stroking it. Or who sends a MMS message to me and 10 others on Easter Sunday when I’m at dinner with my family.

Yeah, that guy – again! Or rather, still. This guy that I haven’t met has awakened me three times during my vacation this week by sending me nude pics of himself. This is the guy that texted at 6:21am and when I asked for no texts before 9am or after 12am got offended and said I should find someone else. Okay, fine, bye. But wait – he keeps sending me nude pics and video! All but one have been before 9am, of course – including a cock pic that woke me today. So far I have simply ignored him. I find this usually works best. Though I was sorely tempted to text back “oh, wow – it must be cold there” when his hand-held wiener pic arrived on my phone this morning. However, I have learned not to feed the trolls.

I know, I should start shutting my ringer off, but a lifetime of being the responsible friend/mom/aunt that you can call 24/7 if you need me makes me hesitant to do that. Plus I always forget to turn it off or turn it back on. Plus – would the alarm on my phone still work? Points to ponder if I don’t want to be pondering penis points in the wee-wee hours of the morning! Meanwhile, I will learn how to block numbers on my cell, but that only works if they continue to contact you from the same number. Some of these guys are crafty. I have had at least four men disable their POF accounts and then message me anew from a different account.

I haven’t even covered the men who seem to prefer having an online spank-buddy to video chat with rather than meet in person. I guess virtual sex is the safest sex possible, but I don’t understand that either!

And I think “just your tits…” has replaced the lie that used to be “just the tip!”

Okay, I’m tweeting that!




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