Posts Tagged ‘sex



06
Sep
13

The Return of Pirate Bear

I covered the “Little Pirate Bear” in the blog entry “Getting Dumped by Someone I Wasn’t even Attracted to in the First Place” back in June. (https://risquedivorcee.com/2013/06/18/getting-dumped-by-someone-i-wasnt-even-attracted-to-in-the-first-place/) Essentially, this is a guy that I started getting pretty interested in and spent two sex-drenched weekends with in May before he started dating someone who was not okay with him seeing other people. He dropped me like a hot potato at the beginning of June.

Well, sometime in August he resurfaced. He had the good sense to start communication with an apology. That’s always a good idea when someone has treated you somewhat shabbily, which he admitted that he had. The thing is, I understand being smitten with someone and making concessions for them or wanting to concentrate on that relationship. I feel myself doing a bit of that myself these days.

However, Pirate Bear’s gal, from what he’s since explained, was pretty demanding and controlling and wouldn’t even “allow” him to break things off with me in person, as he had wanted to. Of course, he allowed himself to be bossed around by someone he’d known for a week, so he’s equally culpable. Regardless, they essentially moved in with each other and she seems to have proven herself to be cuckoo for cocoa puffs and he proved himself to be spineless and easily swayed by the opinions of others. Swell.

So where does the Risqué Divorcée come into play? Pretty much when shit hits the fan and the man decides he needs a rebound, I guess. I’d love to be able to say that he finally wised up and realized what he’d given up – and that may even be slightly true – but I think the man simply needs a woman to boss him around. My dad was like that. Completely adrift after my mom died – no clue what to do with himself without her guidance. I shared this with little bear when I finally agreed to meet him for a drink.

I have to admit that I was surprised when I answered the door upon his arrival. He really looked good. It had been a couple of months since I’d seen him and he appeared to have lost about 20# and was rocking some scruffy facial hair that really worked for him. Overall, he looked much more like someone that I would find physically attractive – which I hadn’t initially.

Our “date” was a lot of catching up and often felt like a therapy session. I basically told him that I forgave him (he apologized profusely and often,) and that he needed to stop beating himself up. I also said he needed to do some things for HIMSELF and not just for whomever he was dating. I told him to get a spine and to rely on himself, his interests, his kids for happiness rather than seeking it in others. I told him he needed to get his shit together before we even tried to see each other romantically – and that he had time to do that because he would be in the “penalty box” for awhile anyway! Oh, also he cried on my patio. For real. Tears. Yeah, the guy was kind of a mess & more than I was willing to take on. I don’t need anymore “projects” – I’m already working on myself!

I did agree to meet him a second time and we went to the movies and sort of held hands a bit, but no smoochies. He came back to my place and helped me fold laundry – which is weird, but was a companionable activity while we chatted. He teased me about actually putting stuff away and followed me into my bedroom with a pile of clothes. I thought: “aw, man…don’t make a pass…” and he sort of did, but it was awkward enough to deflect. Also, horrifyingly hilarious!

So, following some frank conversation about tough topics including sex and being friendly with ex-lovers (and with an armload of my folded clothes,) he said “so, you know, speaking of that, after we ah, spent those weekends together, I realized it had been awhile and I was having some trouble so I decided to go to the VA and get checked out. They did all the testing and such – full blood work panel and everything – all the bells and whistles…and ah, anyway…as it turns out…what?”

Apparently the look on my face defined “aghast” because he stopped dead in the middle of his story to ask what was wrong. Calmly, I said “and what did you find out?” He then said that he found out that some medication he was taking for blood pressure had caused his erectile dysfunction and that he switched meds so “everything’s working great now!” Woo-hoo! I then expelled the breath that I had been holding and he finally clued in to the fact that his awkward rambling about blood tests and such had made me worried that he was going to deliver some horrible news about an STD. Jesus.

I’d finally got him to quit apologizing and here he went again! I did have the grace to laugh about it in short order and I think it’s funny now anyway!

We met again for a movie last week and it was very “friend zone” – part of that is the fact that I don’t trust that he won’t do the exact same thing again if he finds someone better suited. Part of it is the fact that I am seeing someone else that I am really crazy about and I’m finding it difficult to get enthusiastic about other men right now. I have decided that I am going to do some more dating, but that’s a subject for another blog!

29
Aug
13

Upcoming topics

Yes! There will be some! My schedule changes next week and I have quite a few blogs backlogged in my head right now. Here’s what’s coming up:

  • “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger” the ex drops a bomb that would have wiped me out not too long ago. I discover I don’t give a shit anymore.
  • “What Are You Afraid Of?”a very good question, posed by my boyfriend. Worthy of consideration and thoughtful contemplation.
  • “Butt Stuff” we haven’t talked about sex in awhile, have we? Let’s.
  • “Purging Drama” part of separating, divorcing & building a new life is letting go of the drama, co-dependency and unhealthy associations that drain you. This includes “friends” who demand too much.
  • “Overthinking vs. Thinking”something I struggle with.
  • “Bring Your A Game” does being in a poly relationship pressure you to be your best self all the time because you are always sort of “competing” for time & attention? Should it? Is this a bad thing?
  • “The Return of Little Pirate Bear” he’s back. Sorta. Not sure if he’s staying.
  • “Crossing the Streams” the pros & cons of knowing your lover’s other loves.
27
Aug
13

Living in Sin

This morning when I was showering I experienced a little thrilling jolt – seeing his razor hanging next to mine in the shower caddy. My heart gave a little leap and my face lit up with one of those stupid “love” smiles that you see in jewelry commercials & on the faces of babies as they pass gas.

I like seeing his stuff at my place. I like having him beside me – literally & figuratively & metaphorically in the form of his black & green razor hanging next to my pink one. I love having him in my bed – waking up at 3am for some loving and then falling asleep in each others arms. The past few weeks of his “encroachment” at my invitation have been fun, exciting and mostly very comfortable.

But do I want it always? Always & forever are nearly as foreign as “only” and “exclusively” in the polyamorous construct. I’m not really sure why.  Why, for example, should “many loves” mean “many short-term, intense affairs”? Often the books, blogs & articles that I read about poly cite examples of people cycling through romances if not casually…well, frequently. I’m pretty sure that’s not my ideal model either.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve cycled pretty hard & fast this past year as well, but I’m not talking about casual fucks. I’m talking about relationships. Loves. I’m not very comfortable cycling through those people or discarding people that have meant a lot to me. Oh, it happens – I get fed up with drama, someone moves, has a baby, gets involved in a new relationship – friendships change and sometimes fade. But loves?

I often say that I am a great ex because I don’t ever stop loving someone. I’m really loyal and even if someone has hurt me and is unhealthy for me, I still have good memories with them and recognize the good qualities about them that made me fall in love with them. As I said in past blogs, I’m a lover!

Which can be dangerous, right? I’ve struggled mightily this past year and a half to find myself, define myself, be self-sufficient and strong. I don’t want to lose that. I realize that moving forward into a cohabitation or near-cohabitation with someone is a huge step and also a bit sudden. I promise I’m not too love-struck or blinded by the cock. I’m actually giving it a lot of consideration.

I’m trying to not make the same mistakes…

16
Aug
13

First world “problems” – am I looking for trouble?

Let me start by saying that I am very happy right now. I am absolutely loving the relationship that I have going on with E38 “Working-class Whimsy”. Really. There’s so much good stuff going on – both in and out of the bedroom and I’ve got a shit-eating grin on my face all the time. Happy.

I know we still have another month or so before the new relationship energy starts to cool and we figure out how to stand on our feet relationship-wise without the crazy ZING! that exists during those first few months. I’m not expecting things to get bad, I just know that they change after the newness wears off. Reality.

Meanwhile, I think about him all the time. When will I see him? What did he text? Where is he now? I think about him and smile or shiver at a sweet or sexy moment. I have it really bad. Seriously.

So what about dating? My past poly experience, for the most part, involved having and being a primary partner while engaging in secondary relationships at the same time. No doubt we made epic mistakes, but (at least in theory) my then-spouse and I were a partnered pair who were having other loves that weren’t the central focus of our family and life. I’ve never really been…what I am now – which is one of three girlfriends of a really fantastic man. It feels a little weird.

For example, I have been seeing “whimsy” often enough and the sex has been exceptional enough that I could easily be content having him be my only lover. As much as I enjoy variety – he manages to provide it along with plenty of orgasms too. I’m not bored. I may be lazy though – dating can be work and I guess I haven’t felt much like doing it since this man came into my life. I barely answer my messages on OKCupid and have only gone out with one other man.

I’m trying to figure out if that’s simply because I’m enjoying the newness of this relationship (now almost three months old,) or because of the love & affection that I have for this fella or…what exactly. Maybe I’m expecting it to turn into a monogamous situation. Maybe I’m just at the end of my post-separation “slut phase” – which most people say lasts about a year. Maybe all of the above.

I just haven’t felt like dating other men. And that’s a little weird for me. I mean, being part of a 3 woman, one man poly “branch” is just a little too “sister-wives” looking for me. It feels like it should be very patriarchal – even though it’s not because our man is very centered on his women, liberal, feminist & a great communicator. (Jesus – are we an “N”? Someone who knows poly terms help me out here!)

So herein lies the “problem” that only exists in my head. Should I be dating other people? I talked to E38 Whimsy about it and he obviously has no objections (it’s not that sort of a relationship,) and he understood my angst about it. He said “you’re worried that you’re not still poly if you’re only with me? Well, let me ask you this – if a fisherman isn’t on a boat is he still a fisherman?”

Is it any wonder that I’m crazy about this guy?

 

21
Jul
13

The man that helps me believe in polyamory makes me think about monogamy

I woke up an hour and a half before my alarm today with the intention of blogging. I had coffee. I had some food. I decided that I couldn’t type while eating so I went to Facebook. I played some games. I commented, liked, lurked…played more games. I finally opened this blog window as my alarm was going off. Oh, I know avoidance when I see it. Yes, yes I do. I have been avoiding you.

I find this self-awareness to be interesting despite any real effort on my part to actually change the behavior. I know what I’m avoiding and yet I’m fairly content to allow myself to do so. It’s like leaving dishes in the sink. I know they’re there but I’m a grown-ass adult and I can leave my dishes in the sink if I so choose. Right?! Adult!

Okay, fine, fine! I was on vacation in the boondocks for a week and then came home sick too – so let me add a legitimate excuse to the pile of rationalizations.

I have observed that if I really like a man that I am seeing that it is difficult to blog about him. I find that I am all about bravado, humor and being bawdy and not so great at being soft, squishy & vulnerable. It doesn’t really take a therapist to figure out my defense mechanisms for self-protection. Oh sure, when you start seeing someone that you really like you get swamped with new relationship energy – you start seeing each other a lot and let everything fall to the wayside. Friends, dishes, blogs…  But as that eases a bit, I find myself having even more of a struggle starting to tell the tale. It becomes like catching up on overdue homework – a seemingly insurmountable obstacle! Jeez, I’m still talking about why I haven’t written. Start writing already!!

He’s E38 and I decided to call him Working-class Whimsy because he’s an artist, smart, well-spoken, well-read and has interesting perspective, but he also comes from a very blue-collar background and works a project management job in the construction industry. He could also be “chameleon” because he manages to sort of fit into lots of settings and also pull off several different looks – something that I mentioned to him in my first response on OKCupid. He messaged me saying that he was attracted and that we seemed to have shared interests and that I should respond if I felt the same. I looked at this goofy, funky, artistic, sexy man who described himself as a poly starving artist with a twisted sense of humor and thought “oh yes…”

I think our first phone call was seven hours. I loved his honesty, openness and matter-of-fact frankness. No bullshit. Direct. I even broke one of my cardinal rules and engaged in a bit of phone sex at the end of our marathon chat session. The conversation had turned to sex in an offhand “what do you like” sort of way and it was clear that both of us were going to hang up and go rub one out. I sent a text after our call ended and asked if he wanted me to “talk him off” and called him back. As it turned out, he did most of the talking. Man, he talks very, very well. I told him that I knew we were going to have a lot of fun. And so far we have.

Our schedules didn’t match up until Memorial Day largely because I was seeing the “Teddy Bear Pirate” that weekend and engaging in lots and lots of sex with him. By the the time Whimsy and I got together on Monday I was sore and raw from being worked over all weekend. We were planning to have lunch somewhere near a shopping area a few miles away from my place where he was looking at electronics. I had to use the bathroom so I went into the mega electronics store and texted him that I was there. He found me. (Not in the bathroom! After!) Now, you hear about sparks flying and chemistry and love at first sight, right? Well, I’m too old and jaded for that bullshit, but there was something instantly…comfortable from the start. As we fell into step in the store it felt like we should have already been holding hands. Natural. Relaxed. There was a feeling of “oh, hey – there you are. I know you.” We just sort of clicked.

Being ever the romantic, our next stop was the hardware store next door for wasp spray. Sexy, huh? As I said, there was a general degree of casual comfort from the get-go. When we discussed lunch, we opted for a place in town and I drove us both there in my car. We ate and fell into easy conversation. As the meal neared the end he started asking what I wanted to do next. He noted that the weather was too poor to take a walk and said that we could see a movie – though he acknowledged that wasn’t very social. I thanked him for the movie invitation but declined, saying that I would much rather talk with him more.

We opted to leave the restaurant and figure out what to do next. While crossing the parking lot, he asked me what I wanted to do and I said “what do you want to do?” He then stopped, put his hand on my hip, pulled me to him and planted a very serious kiss on me. Stroking my face, he said “that is what I wanted to do.” A minute later, while getting in the car, he chuckled and said “I wanted to make sure that you knew I was interested.” I laughed and said that since he didn’t check the time and say he needed to get going and kept asking what I wanted to do next that I figured he was interested. I said that I was too and indicated that I would really like to hang out and talk some more. We discussed where to go and I finally said “look, we could go to my place, but if we do we’ll probably wind up in bed – not that that’s a bad thing, but I had company all weekend and am actually really fucked out, so…”

Yeah, classy, right? Or just refreshingly honest? I had had sex something like eleven times and was absolutely aching. I didn’t want our first time to be “oooh, ah…ow” you know? So he said he would be fine with just talking or maybe even watching a movie. We came to my place and talked for about an hour…before we wound up in bed.

Okay, look…the sex? It was nothing short of spectacular. Goddamn! I feel like I’m constantly saying that I’m having the best sex of my life but that’s only because it’s true! I mean, there have certainly been some duds during the past few months but mostly it’s been GREAT! Well, here I go – once again crowing a new “best ever” man. Oh, I can’t base it solely on our first several times (that all happened that first day/night/next morning – yow!) because we’ve probably had sex fifty more times since then and it continues to be exceptional.

I’m simply enjoying someone who is a very excellent match for me, sexually. He’s great at sensing and responding – sometimes being achingly slow and sensual, sometimes being rough & commanding, sometimes letting me take charge, sometimes overwhelming my senses with an orgasmic onslaught. He loves to eat ass and pussy and is truly gifted in the art forms. He goes crazy when his ass is rimmed – something I’d never done before but find to be unobjectionable and very rewarding when he goes completely wild in response. Also, he has an absolutely perfect cock. Just right. Bonus!

E38/Whimsy is poly and has two other girlfriends. Our attitude & philosophy in this area is very similar and we’ve talked openly about it quite a bit. He’s great at communicating and scheduling and I’ve felt absolutely cherished, satisfied and appreciated these past couple of months. He helps me believe that polyamory can work between smart, caring, honest, mature, responsible adults. Right now it’s really, really working for us. And yet, all this ooey, gooey squishy, lovey new relationship energy has me occasionally thinking “hmmm…what would it be like if we were exclusive?” That’s a lifetime of monogamy training talking combined with a man that I am incredibly compatible with and very smitten by. It’s also a whole other topic worth exploring…maybe next time!

xo

RD

18
Jun
13

Getting dumped by someone I wasn’t even attracted to in the first place

Okay, kiddies – I’m going to try to get you up to date on recent events and may as well start with this one.

We’ll call him the little pirate bear & identify him as M41. Little Pirate Bear messaged me on OKC in a pretty bold and flirtatious fashion near the end of April. For those keeping score, I was still messing around with my young, hot booty call boys at that time and wasn’t that excited about this guy. He indicated that he’d just come out of a long-term relationship and didn’t know what he was looking for but needed to start looking. Okay, there’s a warning bell sounding in there because I can be kind of a handful, but he said that he loved kickin’ curves and loving a woman’s body, so he brought enough flirtatious zest to the table to get my attention. Subsequent conversations seemed to indicate that we had quite a lot in common as far as our personal relationship history was concerned and I felt like he was at the exact place that I was about 10 months ago – dipping my toe into dating for the first time in 20+ years, uncertain about what was available or what I wanted, lacking confidence, terrified but also excited to be taking those first steps in a new direction.

For as bawdy, ribald & raunchy as I can most certainly be, I’m also a real human being with the ability to be kind, empathetic, a good listener, a good friend, encouraging and nurturing. I felt like I could be supportive and encouraging to this guy and help set him on his feet for the dating scene – even if we didn’t hit it off romantically. It is notable to mention that our match score was around 90% – so he was similar to me politically, socially, sexually, ethically & concerning lifestyle. He was also poly-friendly. I was cautiously optimistic in meeting him. I figured that he wasn’t ready for me, but that I could probably be an encouraging friend and maybe more. I agreed to meet him for a drink.

He arrived early, I arrived late (due to traffic – a fact I communicated to him en-route) and when I spied him in the bar my internal response was a decisive “ugh”. I wasn’t attracted. He was a bit overdressed for a casual meeting – wearing a sports coat & slacks. He was short, stout & very grim looking overall. Still, I attributed a lot of that to nerves and newness. I soon came to realize that I was the first date that he’d had since his marriage. Which meant that I was the first woman besides his wife that he’d gone out with in something like 22 years. I cut the guy some slack and pointedly ignored his profuse sweating and frowning intensity. I bought him a beer.

Whether it was the alcohol or me, our talk flowed and we really seemed at ease with one another conversationally. He was smart, funny, self-deprecating, forthright, complimentary and comfortable. We talked for a long time on many subjects – including exes, marriage, kids, dating, poly, group sex, open relationships and such “dangerous” topics for a first date. It did feel more like a first date than a first meet-up too. There was a bit more expectation and pressure that was present than just a standard quick drink. We parted ways about three hours after we met – with a chaste hug and plans to see the new Star Trek film when it came out in two weeks.

I half expected that we would part with a kiss or that during our walk to my car he would take my hand. I wasn’t sure if he didn’t because he was nervous or because we didn’t click, but I did get a pretty strong “friend zone” vibe from the little bear. However, if you have read my recent thoughts about ego and evolution, you will understand when I say that I tried to set aside the fact that I wasn’t super attracted to this guy but I did actually like him a lot as a person. I was sincerely trying to look at the big picture with people – and to date people that shared common interests and experiences – whether they were super sexy or not!

Our second date went similarly to the first. He was less nervous, I let him see my true inner nerd at the Star Trek flick and one time he touched my ankle in a flirtatious way. Other than that, nothing pertaining to touch or flirting happened. We did extend our time together by hitting a bar for happy hour after the movie, but I was still getting the comfy friend vibe and that was okay since I didn’t feel any particular chemistry on my end. I was considering him as an interesting and fun person though.

Our texts and occasional phone calls between meetings were another story. His messages, attentiveness & flirtation outside of our 1:1 interactions were much more forward, flirty & occasionally naughty. Sometimes we would even talk about sexual preferences and he would occasionally make a quip about how I would taste or something like that. Finally, I shot the elephant in the room by telling him that I was intrigued by the fact that his messages were a lot more flirtatious than he was in person. I essentially asked him if he was more comfortable dealing in text or if he was just messing around or what.

His response was basically that he felt like we were sort of “drinking buddies” and that he didn’t really “feel anything beyond that” with me but…well, I am a beautiful, sexy woman and interesting, we have fun together & a lot in common…we’ll see. I told him that I was glad he said that because I felt similarly. I found him very comfortable, fun and great to talk to, but that I wasn’t sure whether we were going to be romantic with each other. I also said that I didn’t think he was quite ready for me & that I was a lot to handle straight out of the gate. He seemed to take that as a personal challenge.

We made plans to get together on the Saturday of Memorial weekend. I had plans to play games with friends on Sunday and was meeting a new guy that I was very interested in on Monday. I told little bear that I would cook and he offered to help or bring wine, etc. We talked about mixers, drinks, etc and finally came a text from him that said “should I pack a bag?” He followed immediately by saying that this would determine what and how much he would drink. I said “yes, absolutely! You are welcome to be comfortable, stay & be at ease. My guest bed is made up and since we are grown-ass adults, we can see how it goes and decide where you should sleep.”

I was quite pleased with that message and had generally decided that I liked him enough that if we got comfortable and chemistry kicked in, I would sleep with him. I mean, it had been several weeks for me, quite awhile for him and the flirting & dirty talk had kicked in with some humor – I knew that we would both enjoy it. However, I had the notion that it would probably be a bit awkward for him and probably consist of a few fumbling attempts followed by maybe two minutes of thrusting and that’s it.

I also have to admit that I had adopted a somewhat cavalier attitude of “benevolence” where the little bear was concerned. Like I was doing him a favor by throwing him a little action. Not so much a pity fuck, but maybe close to that. More like proving to myself that my ego didn’t need to have a 29-year-old Brad Pitt and this guy needed to get laid, so why not?

He showed up with flowers & I opened the door wearing a dress that essentially said “this is yours if you want it.”

He did.

We had drinks, ate dinner, flirted more, he did the dishes, we were comfortable with each other, watched some TV, snuggled, held hands, kissed a bit…and eventually went to bed.

OMIGOD. He was amazing in the sack. I mean, crazy amazing. He ate pussy and ass like it was Gordon Ramsay’s signature Beef Wellington and he hadn’t had a decent meal in years. His hands and mouth knew exactly how to bring me to more orgasms than I could count. His penis was fairly small and his testicles were bigger than anything I’d seen outside of a 4-H fair, but that was secondary to some amazing, amazing oral and digital action that he simply liquefied me with. We managed to have intercourse despite the fact that his dick had a case of nerves. He could get it up & keep it up, but he couldn’t cum. Therefore, I let him lead and set the pace. That pace was to clean wear me out. Okay, maybe not so clean. There was plenty of dirty.

We talked a lot – his ex had basically started to consider sex to be a bad thing once they had kids. He had been made to feel ashamed of his sexuality and treated like a deviant and a predator. I like to think that I helped him get past that a little bit. We talked about poly and about what that meant to us. He said that he was just happy to be with me. He made us breakfast. It was very comfortable and companionable. I had plans to go play games with my friends that (now Sunday) evening and was putting together a dish to pass when I suddenly asked him if he would like to join me. I’d invited very few of my lovers to come hang out with my friends, but in the moment I was really, sincerely feeling it. I had been surprised by this man and also more than a little charmed. Also, he was meeting another lady for lunch on Monday and I lived much closer to where they were meeting than he did. It made sense to have him stay another night. He agreed and came to my friends’ house with me.

We had a perfectly great time playing cards and games and talking with my friends. He was charming, funny and personable and fit in quite well. Later that night we had a lot more excellent sex and it was really intimate and intense. I started to think that I could really enjoy keeping this one around. In my mind, I was thinking that I could have two regular lovers who were dirty, nerdy & fun. I was imagining living a “normal” polyamorous lifestyle with two men that I could see socially and also have great sex with. Of course, I wasn’t meeting the other guy until that Monday either, but I knew based on our extensive conversations that we were going to totally hit it off. I wondered if my blog would suffer due to the boring old two-man show that I imagined.

The following week was peppered with lots of texts and a few phone calls. We made plans to see Man of Steel when it came out and arranged to get together the following weekend as well. I really liked the little Pirate Bear and we had an affinity that made him really easy to talk to. I knew that he was trying to get together with a third gal sometime and that he’d talked to her a few times. I was delighted that we could be open and comfortable talking about that too.

The next weekend he came over again. I told him about meeting the other guy and that it had gone very well. (In another blog entry I will tell you just how well it went!) He told me he didn’t think that things were going to progress with his first lady but that he had plans to see the other gal on Thursday. We were very physical and I found myself really drawn to him – stopping to touch him or kiss him while he was cooking dinner, etc. During dinner, however, he asked what happens if he develops feelings for someone. I said “that’s great” and said that the whole idea of poly was that you could love and care about multiple people. He then said that he was very interested in the other gal but that she was not poly-friendly. He said that he had been up-front with her about our “preexisting plans”  and told her about our date, but he was concerned about what would happen if they hit it off. He threw in a “not that I don’t have feelings for you, but…”

I had a sudden, sinking feeling that he was setting up a scenario where he would ride off into the sunset with this new gal and throw me over. I was a little stunned because here we were enjoying good sex, good food, fun conversation and companionship and he was basically worried about what would happen if he fell for the new gal. I suggested that he could just simply tell her that he wasn’t ready to settle down into a serious relationship and that he was just dating right now. He seemed somewhat unsatisfied with that notion. We had a great day and night together and he finally achieved orgasm with me – twice, in fact. When he left he wished me well on my upcoming trip & we talked about having another movie date when I got back.

Again, we exchanged texts during the week, but not with the same degree of frequency. Okay, I understood that he was managing three different women at that point and that he was somewhat new to dealing with that. I was also enjoying the company and attention of the other new guy in my life and fine with that. On Friday, I was planning to see the new guy again and getting ready to head out of town on Saturday. Little Bear sent me a chatty text Friday afternoon before I headed to work. At some point I asked him how his date went on Thursday. Several minutes passed before he responded. His response took five texts.

He explained that it went so well on Thursday that he needed to cancel our date to see Man of Steel. He appreciated the time we spent together but he told me from the start that he thought we were just drinking buddies and he didn’t feel the same spark for me that he did with this new woman. He had wanted to do this in person after my trip, but he couldn’t begin a new relationship with this woman with this “unknown element” still out there. He apologized, saying that he thought that I was expressing some feelings towards him that he could not return. Then he said “you can hate me & drink & complain about me, but I can’t screw this up. Sorry again.”

Ugh. I just got dumped by a guy I didn’t even want to have a second date with. Seriously?

Regardless, I was a very, very good sport.

I responded by saying that I had warned him that he wasn’t ready for me and kindly said that I wasn’t expecting him at all. I called him “a pleasant surprise” and said how much I enjoyed our time together. I said that I thought his mind had no problem with poly but that his heart might have objections. I told him that he was good, honorable, kind & passionate and that he should remember that and value it. I told him to lighten up – we’d had fun and there was no regret and certainly no hate!

Pretty awesome of me, right? Guess what his response was? NOTHING! Seriously? You met a gal yesterday and today you’re going steady & can’t even talk to me over text? Jeez! A total dump and run!

Three hours later, my phone rang at a point in my workday when I couldn’t answer it. It was the Little Pirate Bear & the voicemail that he left made it sound like he had either pocket dialed me or just hung up without intending to leave a message. I tried calling him back a few minutes later and he didn’t answer. I sent a text asking if he’d meant to call. He eventually sent a text saying it was a total pocket dial and telling me to have fun on my trip and “Thx 4 all your understanding.” Well damn, you’re welcome. I said sure and thanked him for saying that, acknowledging that I was a tad butthurt that he hadn’t responded at all. I said “Best to you” and let it go.

I was a bit annoyed at the abrupt end to our whirlwind romance, but I guess I had seen the writing on the wall. I am happy to report that two days later he sent me a very nice text wishing me a happy birthday and inquiring about how I was doing in Vegas. I kept my response very brief and didn’t engage after he responded. No need to make it more awkward.

Funny enough, I had a new message on OkCupid this past Thursday and noticed that little bear’s photo was no longer next to his messages in my inbox. Lo & behold – after knowing his gal for exactly one week, he had pulled his dating profile. Wow. I predict that this “poly-friendly” guy will be married again within the year.

I told you he wasn’t ready for me!

–RD

30
May
13

Blame it on my ego…and my vagina…

I’ve been remiss. I’ve been avoiding you. I’ve had some shit to work out.

Yes, I’ve also been busy generating new blog material and have taken two new lovers since my last post.

But this time it’s different. Perhaps it sounds the same, but I assure you, it’s not.

In the week before Mother’s Day I had two different men sort of…blow me off. In both cases we had plans that were canceled and communicated poorly. Mother’s Day is always a bit sad for me anyway and the combination of two cancellations plus the holiday put me into a bit of a funk. The men in question are also my two youngest lovers – Brad Pitt (P29) and Soup Can Man (R30) – and I felt like that was perhaps part of the equation that allowed for my time to be so casually disregarded. Both of these guys were men that I met “organically” – that is, in my daily life, not through an online dating site. I think that also contributed to the casual “fuck buddy” attitude that had been fun, but was getting old. Particularly since both guys had asked me out socially as well but then bailed or not followed through. Our 3am activities were exciting and most excellent, but I was feeling a little empty and unfulfilled on the social front. My twitter pal, @Dirty_Bizness said it well recently “Fucking is great but I want some intimacy!” Spot on.

Furthermore, I felt like my ego & my vagina were sabotaging my ability to see what my heart and mind wanted. No, really. Initially, all this wacky dating stuff stemmed from my desire to get laid. Yes, I needed to get out there & meet new people, but mostly I just needed to see what was out there for me and find out what dating was like for the first time in 25 years. So not only was I aching to get boned, but I had no idea if anyone would want me or what kind of people were out there for my choosing. Heck, I didn’t even know that I would have a choice! So when the offers started coming in I accepted them – nearly all of them. I felt that it was only right to give everyone a fair shot. Oh I’ve had fun. Don’t get me wrong! I needed to have that experience. It was exactly what I needed when I needed it. But somewhere in there my fear, insecurity, ego or just the regular dose of very excellent sex distracted me from moving toward what I really want and from being a little more selective. I mean, having a gorgeous 29-year-old telling you how he wants to eat your pussy & ass? Total turn-on, total ego boost and I let it go to my head. I allowed him to let me be a casual booty call because I felt great when we were together and I didn’t want anything serious either, but I let myself be treated like an option and not tended like a person.

I was learning the difference between “fuck buddy” and “friend with benefits” and I was missing the friendship.

Then there were a few guys who were more like friends…and the sex was meh. Okay. I liked the companionship. I found myself saying “I like the nerdy and the dirty – I just wish they came in the same package!” I still wasn’t looking for only one person to meet that requirement, but I would have really enjoyed three or four guys who liked to talk, game, laugh, be social and fuck like demons. My theory was that I would just hold on to the growlfuckers (even if I wouldn’t ever consider having them meet my friends) and then keep the ones that I liked to talk to and hang out with around too. They could get invited to game night with my friends. Nothing wrong with friends, right? And sex sometimes improved with guidance and comfort with each other.

Recently, my perspective has changed again. On the advice of a friend, I made an OkCupid account & I really like it there even though I’m not as inundated as I am on other dating sites.  I got rid of Zoosk and Plenty of Fish. I started looking specifically for poly-friendly people. People that are fine if I say “no, Friday doesn’t work, I have a date and will probably sleep over there. How about Sunday?” People who have the emotional bandwidth to understand that they don’t want just one person, but they want love, intimacy and friendship with their lovers. Poly folk also tend to be good communicators and often have higher than average sex drives and/or are a little more kinky. I’m not into BDSM, swap parties & such, but I do like some stuff that’s beyond the old in-out. I like lovers who are enthusiastic and, well, passionate about sex. I’ve been finding them.

My recent epiphany was basically that I had been learning what I could have and now I have decided to be more selective and only accepting what I really want. I don’t have to accept every invitation. I can be kind, honest & polite, but I don’t have to say yes to someone when I know it’s a bad match. Guess what? I can get laid anytime. I want some fucking intimacy. Guess what else? I’m happy, healthy, self-aware, comfortable & confident enough to have it now. I’m ready. Guess what else? I’ve been finding those nerdy/dirty/funny/smart combo guys lately. I’m seeing three of them right now. 

So it seems the same, but there’s a change that’s happened for me and it makes me feel great. I’ll do a better job of keeping you up to date. I know I should have talked/written through it, but I wasn’t ready.

Nine days to my birthday in Vegas! Coming up next? I’ll tell you about my last trip to Vegas! 🙂

14
May
13

The Rest of the Story…

This is the continuation of the story about “Suave” (S42) and what happened after I accepted his indecent proposal.

I had indicated that I was getting a pretty strong sense of “too good to be true” from this guy, right? He had displayed some hesitations and reservations that I had simply chocked up to our newness with each other, our “arrangement” and his particular interest. But we I wasn’t imagining the part where we really got along. Or that he enjoyed our interlude, for that matter. He messaged me afterwards thanking me and saying that he couldn’t wait until “next time”. In turn, I messaged him thanks as well and said that while I was all for his plan to spoil me and make me more selfish that I would also be willing to have finished him by other means. Immediately, I received a text on my phone saying:

What other means? Just curious.

Well, I think about 2.5 more minutes in my mouth would have done the trick and that’s where I was headed with it, initially.

Would have been quite content to fuck you too.

Or, I suspect…given your enthusiasm for curves…that you might have liked to come on my tits.

Or, you know…I’m open to suggestion. 😉 

Oh wow. Yes. All of the above. Ha

Damn

Damn what? Damn it’s too bad you didn’t take a different option or damn those are good suggestions?

Or damn something altogether different?

Damn…that’s hot. Tonight was exactly what I wanted

Good. I liked it. It’s good for me to practice selfish therapy.

Yup. Anytime

Reeeeee-ally? Because I could *so* see you being part of my regular playlist! 😀

Ha. Cool

I mention needing to get something to eat and I go have dinner. An hour later he messages me again:

You’re very good at that, btw

At what? 😉

Giving head

Good. Glad you approve.

Ha. Of course. 🙂

And may I say? Back atcha!

Good. Thank you

Oh no, thank YOU

You were sooo wet

Heh. Yeah, that happens when I am suitably persuaded. 🙂

And so we messaged for the next few weeks. Yes, about my needing to learn to spoil myself & be selfish (as well as his interest in doing the spoiling,) and about work, friends, life, TV, gambling, games. He asked me about what kind of wine I like and what kind of coffee is my favorite. We talked about the sorts of “bachelor dinners” that we make for ourselves. I send him some pictures of Star Wars lithographs that I saw, he tells me how he recently got naked at the gym & realized that he was wearing Star Wars boxers. We talk about getting together again, but he reveals that he’s been kinda sick, but he keeps messaging, so it’s not a “we fucked and now I’m going to tell you I’m sick to blow you off” kind of deal. We messaged for about a week. He apologized for not being able to follow up. Messages are steady every day or two until the 12th day after we’d hooked up. I sent a brief text asking if he’s still alive. He replied “Yes, barely.” I rambled on a bit about the flu going around and how I’m going to hear a friend’s Jazz combo. He doesn’t reply. But it was Friday night and I figured he was probably otherwise engaged. Given the number of texts that we’d been exchanging and the regularity of them, I wasn’t concerned about getting dumped and I was certain that he liked me. I also wasn’t concerned about the notion that he was seeing other people. I certainly was and we’d been pretty clear about that. In fact, I was seeing quite a few people. Which makes the rest of the story even funnier.

Four days had passed since I last heard from him. This was a bit unusual, but I just assumed that he’d had a busy weekend, like me. Late Monday night found me messaging with a new romantic interest. We had just made the leap from messaging to exchanging phone numbers and he wanted to talk on the phone. About a minute into my first phone call with a delightful & interesting new guy, I got a text message from an unknown number in an unfamiliar area code. The message said “U don’t know me. But I found out about u the hard way –sent from Textfree.” Bummer. Crappy spam at 12:45am. I ignored it. Fifteen minutes later, my phone blew up with texts. Seven in a row.

In summary, the woman who messaged me explained that she had been dating a man for over a year that I met online. They had been intimate and he told her that they were monogamous. She loves him, he confessed & is going to therapy. She’s known him since 7th grade. This is devastating. He says he’s done. When was the last time he contacted me? She’s not interested in revenge or drama. He’s deeply depressed & she’s worried about him. Some of the things he told her about our encounters (note the plural,) “ysh! I’m not going to go there!” She wants me to answer yes or no & when. (Um, what?)

Meanwhile, I should remind you that I was on the phone with the new guy. Obviously our call was being disrupted by these multiple texts from this randomly ranting lady. Being the honest person that I am and not wanting to be rude to the new guy, I told him what was going on. He was amused and generally nonplussed, which was good. We talked about stalkers and weirdos that we had encountered during our online dating and I admitted that this was a first for me.

Back to the “no revenge, no drama” lady that’s been texting me. I finally responded.

Ok. Not sure if I believe you aren’t after drama when you send me 7 anonymous texts at 1am, but you have my attention. Who are you talking about?

This is followed up with 24 additional texts – and I only responded once saying that I didn’t get the photo that she claimed to have sent. I had to laugh when she told me the first name of the man she was talking about because I happened to have been involved with four men with that name during the previous three months. I was able to safely eliminate two of them from possibility. She confirmed which of the other two I suspected she meant by mentioning his being a Star Wars fanatic. Yep, I know that guy, but still I say nothing as she spews. Generally, the messages were about holding him accountable & his deception. She loves him, she forgives him, she wants him to get help. She appealed to my sympathy and changed tactics a little bit, and mentioning that she was a mom who had been going through cancer the past three years. She said that she was concerned for her safety and wanted to know if we had had unprotected sex. I guess she was expecting to make me mad or jealous when she told me how the other women had been so nice and cooperative. She told me he’d been sleeping with men. I guess I was supposed to be shocked and also feel betrayed and to suddenly become her compatriot in fury. Me? I was mostly just laughing and trying to talk to the new guy on the phone.  I still hadn’t responded and she started getting a bit nasty – making snide remarks about how SHE wasn’t the one with anything to HIDE. (Oh yes – she’d started using all caps.) Then, responding to my earlier message that she was texting anonymously, she messaged me her full name and phone number. Well heck, that’s interesting, right? She accused me of texting him instead of messaging her back. THEN she got personal – sending me a screen shot of one of the many private conversations that “Suave” and I had shared. Particularly the one where he had said that he liked that I sort of looked like a wholesome soccer mom and he loved the idea of driving me wild with passion. I had debunked that by sharing some very private information and she happened to have captured a good chunk of it in the pic she sent me. Then she said “well, good luck with the soccer mom thing then.” I was getting pissed. Then she said how unpleasant it was to see my naked pictures. Well, I knew for a damn fact that the only way there would be any naked pictures of me was if he took some without my knowledge. I didn’t think this was likely, but I realized that it was possible.

Meanwhile, trying to talk to my new friend while 31 texts chimed their arrival was getting to be silly. I apologized, asked if he was going to be up for awhile and said “I’m bout to go END a bitch.” I confirmed that it was okay to call him later and he said that I had better call him & tell him what happened!

So I called up Ms. Angel Rodriguez* (*you know by now that I don’t use real names, right?) She answered and knew my real first name. I barely got a word in before she launched into her life story. It seemed like she was riding on a huge adrenaline dump because I think that she talked for about 10 minutes solid without stopping. I asked if they lived together. She said no, she’s been living with her parents because one has cancer & the other has kidney disease. She’s been going through cancer treatment too. I stop her. I tell her that if she and other members of her household are immuno-suppressed or have low white count that she needs to be really careful and to protect herself. I mention “Suave” having told me that he was sick. She admits that she thinks she gave him the flu. (Hey – he was telling me the truth about that – cool.) After she admits that they aren’t exclusive, she says that they have been having unprotected sex for about 15 months. I suggest that she’s smart enough to know that she shouldn’t be bare-backing with someone that she knows is not being faithful to her. Particularly if she is at-risk. She agrees. As a courtesy, I tell her that we have not had unprotected sex but that we have “fooled around” and that I’ve never been to his place (which is where the naked photos that she found were set.) When she asks when the last time he contacted me was I say “recently, but not the past few days.” Apparently the shit hit the fan with her two days prior to her messaging me. That explains the “dead air” from Suave.

Ultimately, I tell her that she needs to take care of her own shit and that Suave was never dishonest with me. He told me that he had other lovers. Her relationship with him really isn’t my business and I don’t need to be further involved with any ongoing drama. She apologizes for imposing on me, thanks me for the talk. Tells me that I will find someone because I’m such a great person! She calls me “hun” and “sweetie” and tells me to take care of myself.

I was ready to go hardcore on this chick 10 minutes earlier and by the time we’re done I feel like she’s about to invite me for coffee. In fact, she messages me the next afternoon thanking me again and telling me that I need to kiss a few frogs but she knows I will find my prince! Aaaawwwww….okay, fuck off now. 🙂 She thanks me for my compassion and tells me that I saved her sanity. Yeah, well, glad I could help I guess. So weird, right?!?

Meanwhile, I have been considering whether or not to contact Suave and let him know about this. It certainly sounds like he knows, but I’m a bit pissed that he’s allowed my private information to be compromised and used in this fashion. On the other hand, as I said, he didn’t lie to me and gave me exactly what he said he would – lots of orgasms and lots of spoiling. No harm, no foul. Finally, I come up with the perfect way to both fuck with him and check his honesty & humor at the same time. I send him the following message:

So, Angel seems really nice. Suppose she’d be down for a three-way? 😉  Man, that was sure interesting…

His response was immediate and I can almost hear him sputtering through the text:

Who? No. Please. I’m sorry but I have to stop emailing with you. Ugh. I’m sorry.

I like how he tried to deny it for about a half a second and then just gave up. I also like that he said “I’m sorry” often. I opted to let him off the hook. Seriously? If this gorgeous, generous, attentive man is a sex addict whose kink is pleasuring “soccer moms” and “women with curves” who the hell am I to make him feel bad about that? He deserves a fucking trophy! I respond:

It’s all good. Apology accepted. It was a little weird at 1:00 am but you were honest with me and I personally bear no responsibility for your relationship with her. That’s on you, man. Take care, be well & best wishes. 🙂

I regret that I didn’t say something relating to Star Wars. Just to remind him what he’d be missing, right? 😉

He agreed, thanked me, apologized again & that was three months ago and the last time I heard from either “Suave” or his “Angel” and my new guy was highly amused – particularly about the follow-up text that I sent! 😉

07
May
13

Regular rotation?

So, assume you’re a man that I’ve had very excellent casual sex with (with sleepovers,) three or four times. I’m interested in maybe upgrading slightly from booty call every month or two. How would you feel if I said “hey, I really enjoy the time we spend together & would love to add you to my regular rotation.”

That’s pretty non-threatening, right? Basically, I dig fucking you & would like to do it on a more consistent basis but don’t want to be your girlfriend or anything.

Though I do like this one as a person too & don’t mind the idea of being social together either.

I would live your thoughts on this one!

03
May
13

An Open Letter to Facebook

Excellent points, well made. Also, handy diagram if any of you need it!

An Open Letter to Facebook.




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Quickies with the Risqué Divorcée!

  • Facebook "It looks like you're at Burger King. Check in to share with your friends." Me: shut the fuck up, Facebook! 3 years ago
  • RT @amyisprettycool: Ok, who wrote the Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer #SNL sketch because they just made America great again 3 years ago
  • RT @LuvPug: My husband thinks it's so cute when I speak to him with terms of endearment like 'honey' or 'cockblocker' 3 years ago
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  • RT @joss: To everyone who keeps saying "Go back to making jokes/films/etc", WHAT DO YOU THINK WE WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING 3 years ago