Posts Tagged ‘twitter

30
May
13

Blame it on my ego…and my vagina…

I’ve been remiss. I’ve been avoiding you. I’ve had some shit to work out.

Yes, I’ve also been busy generating new blog material and have taken two new lovers since my last post.

But this time it’s different. Perhaps it sounds the same, but I assure you, it’s not.

In the week before Mother’s Day I had two different men sort of…blow me off. In both cases we had plans that were canceled and communicated poorly. Mother’s Day is always a bit sad for me anyway and the combination of two cancellations plus the holiday put me into a bit of a funk. The men in question are also my two youngest lovers – Brad Pitt (P29) and Soup Can Man (R30) – and I felt like that was perhaps part of the equation that allowed for my time to be so casually disregarded. Both of these guys were men that I met “organically” – that is, in my daily life, not through an online dating site. I think that also contributed to the casual “fuck buddy” attitude that had been fun, but was getting old. Particularly since both guys had asked me out socially as well but then bailed or not followed through. Our 3am activities were exciting and most excellent, but I was feeling a little empty and unfulfilled on the social front. My twitter pal, @Dirty_Bizness said it well recently “Fucking is great but I want some intimacy!” Spot on.

Furthermore, I felt like my ego & my vagina were sabotaging my ability to see what my heart and mind wanted. No, really. Initially, all this wacky dating stuff stemmed from my desire to get laid. Yes, I needed to get out there & meet new people, but mostly I just needed to see what was out there for me and find out what dating was like for the first time in 25 years. So not only was I aching to get boned, but I had no idea if anyone would want me or what kind of people were out there for my choosing. Heck, I didn’t even know that I would have a choice! So when the offers started coming in I accepted them – nearly all of them. I felt that it was only right to give everyone a fair shot. Oh I’ve had fun. Don’t get me wrong! I needed to have that experience. It was exactly what I needed when I needed it. But somewhere in there my fear, insecurity, ego or just the regular dose of very excellent sex distracted me from moving toward what I really want and from being a little more selective. I mean, having a gorgeous 29-year-old telling you how he wants to eat your pussy & ass? Total turn-on, total ego boost and I let it go to my head. I allowed him to let me be a casual booty call because I felt great when we were together and I didn’t want anything serious either, but I let myself be treated like an option and not tended like a person.

I was learning the difference between “fuck buddy” and “friend with benefits” and I was missing the friendship.

Then there were a few guys who were more like friends…and the sex was meh. Okay. I liked the companionship. I found myself saying “I like the nerdy and the dirty – I just wish they came in the same package!” I still wasn’t looking for only one person to meet that requirement, but I would have really enjoyed three or four guys who liked to talk, game, laugh, be social and fuck like demons. My theory was that I would just hold on to the growlfuckers (even if I wouldn’t ever consider having them meet my friends) and then keep the ones that I liked to talk to and hang out with around too. They could get invited to game night with my friends. Nothing wrong with friends, right? And sex sometimes improved with guidance and comfort with each other.

Recently, my perspective has changed again. On the advice of a friend, I made an OkCupid account & I really like it there even though I’m not as inundated as I am on other dating sites.  I got rid of Zoosk and Plenty of Fish. I started looking specifically for poly-friendly people. People that are fine if I say “no, Friday doesn’t work, I have a date and will probably sleep over there. How about Sunday?” People who have the emotional bandwidth to understand that they don’t want just one person, but they want love, intimacy and friendship with their lovers. Poly folk also tend to be good communicators and often have higher than average sex drives and/or are a little more kinky. I’m not into BDSM, swap parties & such, but I do like some stuff that’s beyond the old in-out. I like lovers who are enthusiastic and, well, passionate about sex. I’ve been finding them.

My recent epiphany was basically that I had been learning what I could have and now I have decided to be more selective and only accepting what I really want. I don’t have to accept every invitation. I can be kind, honest & polite, but I don’t have to say yes to someone when I know it’s a bad match. Guess what? I can get laid anytime. I want some fucking intimacy. Guess what else? I’m happy, healthy, self-aware, comfortable & confident enough to have it now. I’m ready. Guess what else? I’ve been finding those nerdy/dirty/funny/smart combo guys lately. I’m seeing three of them right now. 

So it seems the same, but there’s a change that’s happened for me and it makes me feel great. I’ll do a better job of keeping you up to date. I know I should have talked/written through it, but I wasn’t ready.

Nine days to my birthday in Vegas! Coming up next? I’ll tell you about my last trip to Vegas! 🙂

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12
Apr
13

dick pics – I don’t get it!

Exhibitionists have been around since long before the cell phone and webcam. Even before trench-coats became the accepted symbol of a dirty guy who wanted to show you his winkie, men liked to…show you!

I mean, boners are kind of nifty, right? Just imagine if you could go into the $1 section at Target and buy a neat little toy the size of an egg-full of silly putty. After you play with that squishy little blob for awhile, it suddenly increases in size & girth until it grows to resemble a decent-size flashlight, a Monster energy drink or, if you’re lucky – a can of Pringles!  Wow! Cool toy!  Then it will even squirt stuff! Woot! Everyone would love it! Continuing the metaphor, soon everyone would have this nifty doo-dad and, as happens,  the novelty would wear off. You’d still love to play with it, but everyone’s seen it – nobody is impressed when you say “hey! Check this out! Look what I can do!”

This is pretty much how I feel about dick pics. I mean, we’ve all seen the trick already, guys! I’m not saying that you are not all uniquely special, skilled & talented, but that’s not what a photo of your meat stick shows me. You aren’t showing me your wit, kindness, humor, intelligence, stamina, social consciousness, skills at cunnilingus…you’re showing me your cock. It may truly be inspirational, but it’s really not that different from the hundreds that I have seen before. (That’s counting porn too – I’m not that big of a slut!)

Women aren’t nearly as visually stimulated as men either. But men don’t seem to care. I think that they are actually visually stimulated by themselves and their nifty “boy toy” and they love to show it off! My filthy Twitter pal, @The_Marcness recently tweeted: “Beating off to a video of you rubbing one out is like some sort of weird, perverted inception” – speaking on behalf of many men who, in my experience, like to watch themselves.

Technology has made it possible and even easy for us to share photos with each other effortlessly. Exhibitionists and voyeurs alike have found a socially acceptable outlet for watching and showing their naughty bits.  Still, there remain those “raincoat flashers” out there who just seem to get off on the thrill of the shock. It is as if they enjoy seeing what kind of reaction they can generate by sending out unsolicited dick pics and videos.

I don’t understand this. Particularly in some of the cases that I have personally experienced. We message each other through a dating site, get to know each other a little bit as human beings. Maybe we flirt or are suggestive with one another, okay. We get comfortable enough to exchange phone numbers and plan to meet up. You don’t know me yet, but if we meet and there’s chemistry, odds are that I will have sex with you. Real sex. With tongues, mouths, hands, fingers, boobs…an actual vagina. So why sour your chances by prematurely whipping out the peen?

To be clear: I’m not talking about when texting turns dirty and turns to sexting. I’m not talking about when we’re seeing each other and you send me a “thinking of you” photo. That’s different. I’m talking about the guy that wakes me up at 7am with a picture of him stroking it. Or who sends a MMS message to me and 10 others on Easter Sunday when I’m at dinner with my family.

Yeah, that guy – again! Or rather, still. This guy that I haven’t met has awakened me three times during my vacation this week by sending me nude pics of himself. This is the guy that texted at 6:21am and when I asked for no texts before 9am or after 12am got offended and said I should find someone else. Okay, fine, bye. But wait – he keeps sending me nude pics and video! All but one have been before 9am, of course – including a cock pic that woke me today. So far I have simply ignored him. I find this usually works best. Though I was sorely tempted to text back “oh, wow – it must be cold there” when his hand-held wiener pic arrived on my phone this morning. However, I have learned not to feed the trolls.

I know, I should start shutting my ringer off, but a lifetime of being the responsible friend/mom/aunt that you can call 24/7 if you need me makes me hesitant to do that. Plus I always forget to turn it off or turn it back on. Plus – would the alarm on my phone still work? Points to ponder if I don’t want to be pondering penis points in the wee-wee hours of the morning! Meanwhile, I will learn how to block numbers on my cell, but that only works if they continue to contact you from the same number. Some of these guys are crafty. I have had at least four men disable their POF accounts and then message me anew from a different account.

I haven’t even covered the men who seem to prefer having an online spank-buddy to video chat with rather than meet in person. I guess virtual sex is the safest sex possible, but I don’t understand that either!

And I think “just your tits…” has replaced the lie that used to be “just the tip!”

Okay, I’m tweeting that!

04
Apr
13

one month – reflections & my first black guy…

Hey, thanks for reading, for following, for sharing. I really hope that you enjoy my stories. Sometimes it feels like I am just masturbating words here, but I do enjoy it. (The writing, that is. Oh, okay – I enjoy masturbating too, but let’s stay on topic!!) I decided to get on Twitter to cross-promote my blog and I don’t think I gained any blog followers as a result, but I found Twitter to be a really cool and interesting place. It’s sort of like your favorite bar where you most raunchy and funny friends hang out all the time and blow each other shit & say all sort of crude stuff. I love it! I feel like I fit right in but it’s also a bit cliquey and I find myself feeling somewhat dismayed when people don’t like what I tweet. I hate looking to others for validation – even though I do work hard to make people laugh – even in real life. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone here though, really. Yes, I write for humor and with an audience in mind, but this is my place. Of course, feel free to follow me on Twitter @risquedivorcee if you feel so inclined. I’ve been there about two weeks and have been blogging here for exactly one month today. Happy one month anniversary!

In honor of the occasion, I will share the story of my first black guy. The guy? Meh. The sex? Oh maaaaannnnn! Now, don’t get me wrong – I’ve seen and had some lovely big, white cocks too and I’m no “sizeist” – I’ll entertain a smaller cock. Easier to deep-throat, don’t give you a cramp in the jaw, might consider for ass play…but I do enjoy a nice, big cock. This one was probably the longest I’ve ever dealt with and had a decent amount of girth as well. Too bad it was attached to an ass.

N43 was someone that I chatted with for a pretty long time before meeting. We probably messaged on and off for three weeks before we finally managed to meet for a drink. We chatted about work-related stuff, kids, life – it wasn’t very sexual, but it was flirty. I was still in my “need dick” phase after having been disappointed by the teddy bear who didn’t quite make it in. I had other interests that were also engaging, but I was sort of excited by the prospect of getting my first taste of black cock.

Eventually we met at a pub – it was a bit too loud to talk and he was dressed a little too “casually” for a first meeting I thought. He seemed to not have made very much of an effort to pull himself together for me. We had some drinks and talked and he had a really annoying habit of saying “hah?” when he couldn’t hear me or didn’t understand me…which was often. He was cute enough, smelled good, had a great smile and lovely dimples, but mostly the conversation was dead in the water and I was not into it. When we went out to the parking lot, he got a little more physical with me – putting his hands on my hips, flirting. Eventually, the discussion turned to “so, what should we do now?” and “when do you have to work tomorrow?” Those are both cues for “want to fuck?” So I followed him home. (Yes, I let my friend know where I was going!) On the way, we stopped at a gas station because he needed to get something. I assumed that it was condoms. He came out with a bag in hand and we proceeded to his place.

At his apartment, he got the bag out and come to find out, it was a 40 oz. beer he had bought – for himself. He offered me no refreshment. He turned on the TV. We sat on the couch. I think Full House was on. What the hell? I don’t want to watch TV. I want you to seduce me and touch me and I want to ride your cock. It was so peculiar. I wonder if he thought he had to “ease” me into sex? If so, maybe he might have considered offering me a drink too, huh?

So strange was the scene that I finally asked if we could turn the TV off and maybe put on some music instead. He did so and also dimmed the lights because I didn’t really need all his neighbors seeing us on the couch – he had the shades open too. Oh, also – on the couch. I was never invited to a bedroom. Hmmmm. He was very laid back as things got going – he put his arm around me and we kissed a little bit. That was lovely – he had a great mouth which sadly did nothing more than kiss me above the waist, but the sex turned out to be really good. Also, he had a great body. Lithe and sinewy without being too bony or skinny. Yum. Oddly, we had barely been making out for a few minutes when I realized that he had his dick out of his pants. I mean, he hasn’t even made it to second base and he’s rounding home in his hand? Really? Weird.

I was anxious to get hold of his member, but I also wanted to make sure that I got to fuck it and not just suck it! So I basically whispered exactly that to him. His response? “Hah?” Ugh! I finally stopped being cute & cuddly, lifted my head off from him and said “I would like to suck your cock, but I want to make sure that I still get to fuck you.” BOOM! Read between the lines! Sheesh. Turns out, it wasn’t a problem. He had a good 10″ or so when fully erect. Not a ton of girth, but decent. With a slight curve toward his belly. Very, very nice. I gave him a little oral attention, but I was mostly interested in having him inside me, so I got out a condom because, no surprise, he hadn’t produced any when he went and got a towel to put on the sofa. We got the condom on his lovely, lovely dick and he soon slid into me from behind. Thank you, lord. So very nice. Exactly, exactly what I needed. And it was given to me three times! Three times! Very unexpected from a 43-year-old man. I would think that we were done and then he would just start right back up again. The second time the condom broke which really sucked. I think it simply couldn’t handle the mass plus fluid. Damn. Such a nice one.

After the sex, I was cleaning up and getting dressed as it was after 3am and I was about to do my very first walk of shame. 🙂 He then went into the kitchen and started cooking bratwurst. While still naked. He was a sight to behold walking around the kitchen with his beautiful ass and huge cock – even when flaccid. He explained that he was really hungry because he had skipped dinner to meet me. Well jeez, we met at a restaurant, guy. It was just a little strange still, but we did seem to be communicating better once we had fucked the sexual tension out of the room. Eventually, he walked me to the door (he had put on athletic pants, but that’s all) and kissed the back of my neck (swoon!) asking when he could see me again. I felt butterflies in my tummy and twat and said we would talk soon.

We arranged to have him come over on Sunday to watch football and that I would cook. It was pretty loose in that I told him to come over for the afternoon games, but I did cook and sent him directions and…he didn’t show or respond to texts. Hi, I’m offering you a day of food, football & sex and you don’t show? What man does that? Honestly, I think one with a girlfriend. I finally heard from him around 8pm. He texted apologies and said he had gone to church in the morning and wound up hanging out with his family. Okay, fine. I understand that stuff happens, but you do have a mobile cellular device, right? I said as much and he said I was right, he apologized and asked if I could forgive him. Okay, you get one mulligan because the sex was really fucking excellent. Come over tomorrow for Monday Night Football & leftovers. He even called me to re-send directions and we talked on the phone. Though I did question why he had deleted my text with my address and directions. What was up with that?  I told him that I was going to the store to get some drinks and asked if there was anything that he wanted. He purred “not yet.” Damn.

I reheated all the food and laid it out. I had the game recording on my DVR and I waited…and waited…

Finally I sent a text asking if he was lost, saying I was hungry and that it had to be nearly halftime. He responded with “oh, are you waiting on me, hun?” Yes. As discussed. Jeez. He told me not to wait and that he was finishing some stuff up at his place – which is like 35 minutes away anyway. I was livid. I said I was starting the game and eating. The next day, when he sent me a text, I said that I didn’t want to see him anymore because he was disrespectful of my time. He said he didn’t come because I seemed “cranky” – which I was after he’d stood me up the second time! Jeez! I told him to lose my number. Instead, he sent me “Happy Friday!” texts and “how are you” messages about three times a week for about six weeks. Often at 6-9am. Very passive-aggressive. I had at least learned not to respond – eventually they stopped. His POF account disappeared around the time that he stood me up the second time too. I have always imagined that he had a wife or girlfriend who found out about his extracurriculars and who made it difficult to get out to meet.

A few weeks ago, I noticed that he was on POF again with a new & different profile. I rolled my eyes a little bit and moved on. A couple of days later I got a message from him saying: “Hey you, how are you doing?”

Dangit – I’m doing a lot better than I was 7 months ago. If I didn’t think that there was something really sketchy and dishonest about you I would probably be good with giving you another tumble. Really. I’m not the kind of gal that you need to lie to. I can deal with wives, girlfriends, other women, other interests and responsibilities, etc. I don’t need the bullshit. In fact, the more I think about it, the more I realize that I would do a much better job of managing this guy now than I didn’t do back then! Hmmm, I guess it’s an option to keep open!

I will try to “double up” and post again tonight, my loves!

28
Mar
13

dilemma

Briefly – before I head out for my “weekend pre-funk” – or as some call it, Thursday night…

I wanted to share a bit of a dilemma that I’ve been having in keeping up with the blog & my life. I have to go out and do stuff in order to have stuff to write about. (Even though I currently have a backlog of topics, I admit.) Still, I have to communicate with the fellows too and that does get distracting and time-consuming at times. Especially when the payoff is a blowoff. How did Fonzie keep all of his women engaged? I need to have a text rotation.

The other big distraction right now is Twitter. I started doing it about two weeks ago as a means of promoting the blog and cross-posting to a new audience. Then I fell in love. Seriously, that place is like my favorite bar filled with my loudest, raunchiest friends – the ones who don’t gasp and shout “over the line!” when I say something outrageous or offensive. The ones that give me a star! Also, I can manage Twitter (she lied) on my phone in small drabs throughout the day.

The dilemma, then, is that I forget what I’ve said, what I’ve written, what I’ve promised to tell about. I can’t remember if that was something I told a friend on the phone, tweeted, blogged or thought about blogging. Dudes, I’m kinda old and often drunk. Plus I’ve had most of my brains fucked out…

Here’s the thing: I need to get disciplined and organized! I have outlines and topic headings that I am trying to work through, but life keeps happening every day and I need to keep track of that too. Basically, I need to catch up on some old “homework” and then keep you up to date on current stuff. So…less Facebook and more blogging!

Admittedly, I have been very engrossed in the Supreme Court hearings this week and have read and commented on most of the arguments. Equality is something that I support fully and am pretty loud and active about.

Here’s to being loud and active, ya’ll!

15
Mar
13

Follow me on twitter #risquedivorcee

Risque Divorcee Image

Follow me on twitter! I have been much more active there than on the blog itself. Enjoy a “quickie” with the Risque Divorcee!

13
Mar
13

I know I’m slacking

With Internet down at home until Friday, a busy work week and a completely full social calendar, I’ve been slacking on the writing the past few days. Really the Internet is the biggest deal, but I think that my dating patterns sort of go in waves. I’ll have something like four men in an active roster at a time. Sometimes I’m managing 10 or so in various degrees of flirting, fucking & friendship. Then I find myself having a cold spell where there are none – I’ll write more then!

Meanwhile, when I don’t have time for a full blog, I have been trying to keep up with my twitter feed & tweeting @risquedivorcee. Please consider following my “quickies” on twitter!

Thanks for your patience!

❤ RD

11
Mar
13

@risquedivorcee #risquedivorcee

In honor of my blog’s one-week anniversary I have made an effort to strengthen the ability to cross-post, share and find me. Therefore, I now have a Facebook fan page (with zero likes) and a Twitter feed. Find me, friend me & share me! (Sound like my dating strategy!)

https://twitter.com/RisqueDivorcee

http://www.facebook.com/therisquedivorcee




Categories

Quickies with the Risqué Divorcée!

  • Facebook "It looks like you're at Burger King. Check in to share with your friends." Me: shut the fuck up, Facebook! 2 years ago
  • RT @amyisprettycool: Ok, who wrote the Melissa McCarthy as Sean Spicer #SNL sketch because they just made America great again 2 years ago
  • RT @LuvPug: My husband thinks it's so cute when I speak to him with terms of endearment like 'honey' or 'cockblocker' 2 years ago
  • RT @SondraDeeMe: I've always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must've been really difficult. 2 years ago
  • RT @joss: To everyone who keeps saying "Go back to making jokes/films/etc", WHAT DO YOU THINK WE WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING 2 years ago
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